finally i feel like myself

so it looks like if i get chemo on thursday morning that by monday morning i am pretty much back to myself again. minus that i have cancer and i need to lay low. and except for my mouth (it hurts real bad) and feeling tired. not so much fatigue, mostly just not wanting to get ready. but i hated getting ready pre-cancer so who knows.

justin has started cooking for me now. he made tomato bisque, guacamole, chicken salad, and these fabulous breakfast sandwiches. he said he never cooked before because he did not have a kitchen he was excited about and now he does! i love it. i love that i feel like i am getting to know him all over again. in the best way possible. with all these new surprises. little and big. but regardless they are all good ones.

last night when he came to bed he kissed my shoulder and said, "you are not alone. you are not alone in this..." i think he thought i was sleeping. but i wasn't. i am thankful i am not alone. i do not feel alone though. something i am real thankful for because it would be easy to live in despair. many people choose despair. but i choose life. and life to the full. even now. when i am tired and my mouth hurts and i would refer not to have cancer i will live in the light. now of course i get sad and ask jesus to take the pain away, but for now, today i am okay. i need these days. i will cling to them on my hardest days.

ava is thinking about crawling. and trying to pull herself up on things. so fun. her own little personality is coming through and wow there is nothing i would rather see. her sweet innocence. i need that sometimes. without a care in the world she moves through her day. she brings us real joy. and for that i am blessed.