the weekend (july 30-august 1, 2010)

i am checking my email constantly. as more and more people find out my inbox is filling up. i love to read the emails. i may not always respond that quickly but it helps to know people love you and are praying for you. especially people you do not know at all. that is what community in christ looks like...people love each other. in an authentic and genuine way. i am thankful to be in the family of christ. today is our first oncologist appointment. i am not nervous. we have a notebook with lots of questions and we feel prepared. when we arrive the office is nice and they know who i am without even asking my name. i liked that. we meet our dr and he is good. very informative and helpful. he was able to show us my ct scan on his laptop. it was amazing. so as you may or may not know your body is symmetrical so as we watched the scan you could see how different my left side looked from right because the lymph nodes were so enlarged. we spent almost three hours there and felt good after the appt. we updated everyone. still not convinced he is going to be the dr we stay with, but regardless things were in motion ie the biopsy and the PET scan. nothing gets scheduled so we wait to until monday. we get home and ava is going well. the floyds arrive (sara and tommy my sister and brother in law) tonight, but before that happens we get a call from them that the flights i booked (just trying to help because i had found a "great" deal) while on the phone with sara were accidentally booked for next month. not actually a great deal. in the future do not let the girl with cancer try to plan stuff, thankfully it gets worked out and they arrive that evening. we love them dearly. ava did perfect at dinner and barely made a sound. it was nice to be with family. cant sleep tonight and am up at 3am. my mind is racing. i can not stop my thoughts. that is when i start this blog. when i am finally getting tired around 6:25am i hear ava. so i am up.

today our place is getting shown. we are also trying to move to the river. some great people are opening up their home to us. we will rent still, but the place is wonderful. really hope it works. we get dunkin donuts and iced mochas. its our thing. if you have not tried one yet i suggest it. we get the house ready and head to lunch. aunt sara always gets ava such great gifts. this time it was her first Matilda Jane outfit. so cute. i will post a picture soon. lunch was perfect. good food and good conversation. i am forgetting i am sick. mostly because i really do feel fine. afterward sara and i get pedicures, relax, and talk. i am exhausted today. its tommy and sara's anniversary so we plan a nice dinner on the water with champagne on the table to surprise them (sara loves champagne). we toast and i take two sips. within about 15 minutes my left leg begins to hurt and i am trying not to cry in pain. its their special dinner. i do not want to ruin it. eventually i tell them what is going and we leave so i can be more comfortable. i am thankful but as we are walking to the car i start crying and get so angry. i hate that this is impacting our lives. i hate that this is real. i hate that i am being treated different. i suggest sara and i drive home and the guys go pick up take out. justin says no because he wants to stay with me. i go along with it as to not embarrass myself in front of family...but we get to the car...i am furious. not at justin or at anyone. but because i do not want to be treated different now that i am sick. tonight was hard. i was so upset. i hate that because of me things are different now. its real hard to adjust. we go home and put ava to bed. we set the table and they bring dinner home. its great and we laugh so much. they love me so well. to help me sleep i take tylenol pm and it works. i sleep until 10am and ava slept til 8am. it was a good morning.

i wake up to dunkin donuts ice mochas and breakfast that sara made. we just hang out today until ted has to drive home and floyds fly home. sara did my laundry and that was a gift. we talked and just sat around. it was nice. today was a good day. sara even was able to squeeze in a mini photo shoot of ava. sad to say goodbye but more family will be here soon. its hard to be so far away from the people you are the closest to. justin and i talk in bed about our lives, our marriage, and how the Lord is doing big things in our hearts. we are not sure what it all means yet, but its real. i feel so close to justin. so comfortable. like i really can share my heart and the thoughts that i sometimes keep to myself. we have never been closer. its nice to spend so much together. our life does not really allow that usually. today is a good day. we skype with my mom and dad. nice to connect with them. its hard to see your parents sad. or talk to your sisters when they cry. but i guess its just a part of all this.