monday august 2, 2010

its been a week. feels more like a year. you hear people say that, but really it does. crazy how in one small instant everything changes. justin and i talked about that a lot last week once we found out. you think about "what if the worst happened..." and then it does and its still just the three of us doing our thing. the same God that gave us our precious ava is the same God that gave me cancer.

today is a good day. since we were all supposed to be in NY at a yl camp for the month of august but clearly now we aren't we have some time on our hands. i love justin being home. i wish he never had to go back to work. the doorbell rang this morning and the nice ups man left me a package. i love mail. but who doesn't you know. its special when someone took the time to first off write you card or buy you something, then get a stamp, a box, maybe wrap the present, go to the post office, wait in line, and pay to mail it to you. made me smile. it was from two of my best friends from college. it was perfect. the family i babysit for brought over a meal and some gift cards. we love to eat out. its amazing when you can tangibly feel people loving you. its the community of Christ i mentioned before. like i said its real.

ava is my saving grace. she is so precious and so easy to care for. she sleeps great, she smiles, she likes formula since i can't nurse her and she loves applesauce. her first tooth is coming in. on the bottom right. she is tough because she is not acting whiny about her new tooth. ava is a gift because she gives me the best reason to get out of bed when its sometimes easier not to. i am thankful for that. i do not want to get depressed. not yet. people keep telling me i am strong. two things about that, ok three things. 1. when i am weak, HE is strong. 2. thanks for the compliment however. 3. you would be strong too if it were you and you were not relying on yourself but Jesus. we do not put our hope in anything else. you cant. if you do i promise it will fail you. like all the doctors we are working with. our hope can't be in them, since they are just people, hopefully smarter than your average person, but still just a man. also, when talking to my parents or my sisters i think its just hard for them because they feel helpless and want to see me. but please believe me when i say, today is really a good day and lets be thankful for that.

one thing that is hard for me still is that i am not really ready to see people yet. i may feel different in an hour, but i am just not sure i can handle it. so for those of you reading this in chesapeake...i do love you and i am not trying to be like this, i just think i need a minute. but i am beyond thankful for the thousands of people praying, sending texts, emails, cards, and bringing meals, etc. we are so thankful.