tonight we watched another movie. i am taking a break from movies for a bit. it was about death and life, but mostly death and it made me sad. its not that i think i am going to die or anything, but clearly the thought goes through your mind. so i would rather not watch movies about death anymore.
today i had to get some tests done on my breathing. they were checking my lung capacity. i asked the technician and she said i passed. so that is good news. justin helped by making me laugh and we had great conversation with the women administering my test. she was great. she was different. as soon as she called my name and we started walking to the room she asked how we were doing. not like how are you today, but like how are you both really doing. i think out of all the dozens of different nurses and doctors we have seen over the last three weeks she was the second one to ask us that question. the first was our oncologist. that is why we picked him. not the only reason, but a big one. we love compassionate people. jesus was the most compassionate person i have ever heard of and i have desired that more for myself as well. so now i notice it. the best type of doctor or nurse, or whoever is taking care of you needs to be real real smart and real real compassionate. that is key. today i felt way more like a young 26 year old women who has a sweet little baby named ava and a husband who always asks if he can come along (sometimes they do tests on me and do not let justin come, but he always asks just in case) than just another person with cancer. it was nice to be seen as me.
so how are we really doing? depends on when you ask. right now a little sad. but for most of today happy. last night when i finished blogging and turned out my light and tried to get comfy in bed with my down comforter and four pillows i had the thought, "wow, i really love my life." so please know that for tonight we are doing just fine over here.
i could have taken my bandage off my port yesterday, but i was too scared. i was not ready to see it. its hard to watch your body change and my scars will never let me forget. today while attempting to nap i started peeling. it took me several minutes to take it off because i am wimp when it comes to my skin and band aids and this was not the kind where ripping it off real fast was an option. so peeled it very slowly and finally it came off. its a little bruised, very very tender, and ugly. its hard to see the scars. but they are a part of me now. just like my cancer will always be a part of who i am. after i beat this and go into remission, i know that cancer will remain in my story. i know that it has changed everything. forever.