prom night

ava is napping. i just finished cleaning up the house because has have a showing at 5:30pm. pray this place rents asap so we can move to our dream house on the river. i am already decorating it in my head. justin asked me last night while we were laying in bed if he could take me to prom. i said sorry already did that in high school and it was not that cool. he said, no no, i want to take you because i never got to in high school. so tonight we are going to "prom" and bringing our ava of course. she is about to start having too many other people caring for her to she must be a part of it. after my appointments this morning we went to target because two of my best friends sent me a gift card and we picked out a dress for tonight. it helps if you have a target coupon, too. we picked it at the same time. i am real excited. we are going to carabbas. we love italian food. we have a gift card. you may see a pattern here. we usually only go places if we have a gift card. but tonight is going to be special. i can feel it. by the way its day 8 of our date. justin told me last week that we were on one big long date since we heard the news of last monday. and i hope it never ends. even when he has to go back to work and this season has passed. we will never go back to who we once were. not possible. i am thankful for that.

two more things have been my mind in the midst of hundreds. i have often thought how i wish people from my past knew me now. not who i was in middle school or high school or even parts of college. i was a brat, insecure, mean sometimes, self-absorbed, and lost. wow. its embarrassing to think about. but once i really started following jesus i knew i was becoming someone new. the old had gone and the new had come. i am not saying for one second that i have it all together now or anything like that. but i hope that people see me differently now than i was then. anyways, all this to say that since i have started blogging about our recent bump in road (as i like to call it) my inbox is getting flooded with emails. now that it has made its way to facebook i am getting messages from people i have not seen in ten years or people i have not talked to since college graduation. but its funny how things like this bring people together from everywhere. not funny, but maybe joyous because i love reading them. please know that i may not be able to respond but i read them. every single email, card, text, wall post, etc. i look forward to checking my email. thank you for praying for us and loving us. we feel it. we really do and its a gift. it brings me joy in the midst of all this. justin loves it too. jesus is in the business of making all things new and i am so very thankful.

last thing for today. people have been saying things like "you do not deserve this" or "why you?" well first off no one deserves cancer. its not how God works. its not a "deserve" or "not deserve" thing. our world is broken and sinful and therefore tough things happen that we can not explain. what saddens me the most is when things get tough people question God the most. but that is normal and part of the process. i am sure i will be getting angry along way, but i am clinging to what is real. i believe that God is who he says he is. he says trust him. so i do. he says lean not on your own understanding. perfect because i do not understand this one. because his plan is better than my own or our own. i know that right now this is what he wants for us. he could have stopped the cancerous cells in my body, but he didn't. however, today i trust that we are going to beat this and i will be a cancer survivor. but we have only just begun. and we are ready to fight when we have to, cry when we have to, and throw things if necessary to relieve a little stress if we have to. i have prayed for the past few years to be more passionate about jesus. well he is getting my attention with this one. i am not that strong. and you are right i do not deserve this. but who does? if not me than why someone else? this is my story and i proud that it is mine. i just took a break and read an email from my sweet aunt janie in chicago. she is supposed to be working but i think instead she was reading this blog. her email was sweet. i cried and got a lump in my throat. thanks for loving us.

today we got a stack of cards in the mail. wow i was excited when i saw that. keep them coming. like i said yesterday, i love mail. everything about it. thank you for the hundreds of emails, phone calls (i most likely cant return), and many ways people are communicating with us. we appreciate the prayers. lets not stop until my cancer is gone.