Tuesday, August 17, 2010
the pain is real
i am sitting in bed and it hurts. my port hurts, my backs hurts from the biopsy and my heart hurts. its just a lot for me today. we are moving. not sure if i mentioned that but we are moving to the river house. the place of our dreams. its right on the water and we love the water. it does something to our souls, especially justin's. and i love that ava's first real memories will be of the river house. and the thought of that is enough to get me through today. my sisters and mom are here and they are packing up and watching ava so i can rest. i do not rest well, but i need too. i have been forced to slow down and i wish nothing more than for everyone to experience that. it has slowed me down to love justin more fully and to enjoy every little second with ava as she grows up too fast. our time, for the most part is spent exactly how we want it to be spent and that is such a precious gift. see you have to find joy wherever you can when you have cancer. but really i smiled when i typed that because i have not felt depressed once. not even for a second. i mean why? it wont change anything. i know i may get sad, angry, and annoyed and everyone keeps telling me that i can scream and cry and throw things...but i do not want to yet. i am sure i will though and i will not hesitate to express whatever emotions i have. i think i am pretty good at not keeping things inside. but mostly i am not real worried and angry because that will not change anything for me or for justin or for baby ava. this is not our life, its not our own to keep, and i am not in control. Jesus is and i trust him more than i trust myself. i am too broken and in pain. the peace i am experiencing can only come from Him and i am forever thankful.