Tuesday, August 17, 2010

the pain is real

i am sitting in bed and it hurts. my port hurts, my backs hurts from the biopsy and my heart hurts. its just a lot for me today. we are moving. not sure if i mentioned that but we are moving to the river house. the place of our dreams. its right on the water and we love the water. it does something to our souls, especially justin's. and i love that ava's first real memories will be of the river house. and the thought of that is enough to get me through today. my sisters and mom are here and they are packing up and watching ava so i can rest. i do not rest well, but i need too. i have been forced to slow down and i wish nothing more than for everyone to experience that. it has slowed me down to love justin more fully and to enjoy every little second with ava as she grows up too fast. our time, for the most part is spent exactly how we want it to be spent and that is such a precious gift. see you have to find joy wherever you can when you have cancer. but really i smiled when i typed that because i have not felt depressed once. not even for a second. i mean why? it wont change anything. i know i may get sad, angry, and annoyed and everyone keeps telling me that i can scream and cry and throw things...but i do not want to yet. i am sure i will though and i will not hesitate to express whatever emotions i have. i think i am pretty good at not keeping things inside. but mostly i am not real worried and angry because that will not change anything for me or for justin or for baby ava. this is not our life, its not our own to keep, and i am not in control. Jesus is and i trust him more than i trust myself. i am too broken and in pain. the peace i am experiencing can only come from Him and i am forever thankful.

27 comments:

  1. Thanks for sharing your story with us. This inspires me to fully appreciate my experiences, and not to waste time on things that aren't important. I'll be praying for you, sister.

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  2. Thank you for your witness. You are truly "not wasting your cancer". I love you and I don't even know you. You are inspiration to many who need to embrace what you've already found. Praying for you in North Carolina.

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  3. Praying for you and your family. I just found your blog yesterday and I cannot stop thinking about you. I am the mother of three small children and my heart hurts for you. Thank you for sharing your story. You inspire me to be thankful of every day with my family. God does have a plan for you.

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  4. First, please know that you are sharing God's message and helping so many of us remember why we are here. I found your blog last week and have been reading it as I can. I am the mom to three beauties 5 and under. I truly appreciate the grace that you and your family have. To share this experience is amzing. You will have prayers coming from Connecticut. Bless you and your family.

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  5. Libby - I am praying for you. Praying for peace and comfort and healing...Psalm 138:8 says "The Lord will fulfill His purpose for me" The Holy Spirit will work miraculous things as you lie still/calm under the hand of our Lord. Have the calm assurance that everything (absolutely everything) happens "for the good of those who love the Lord" (Romans 8:28)

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  6. Justin & Libby - Hello. I am on staff with yl in washington state and just got back from assignment at Malibu. I have been reading your blog, since getting back stateside, and am so thankful for both of you.

    During 'real life' at Malibu I talk about what Cancer took away from me when my dad died when I was 19 and yet I know that your fight is even more important...you are fighting a two a front war against cancer and the thought of what you might miss in life if you are absent --> Don't waste the time wondering 'what if'...just keep doing what you are doing.

    We are lifting you up as a family during dinner time prayer and will continue to pray with you for the 24th and beyond.

    We WILL see you in January 2012 in Orlando, count on it...

    Loran & Staci Zenonian

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  7. I have been keeping up with you since I found this blog a couple weeks ago. You are an inspiration and encouragement to us all. You are in my prayers.

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  8. My sister went through the same pain while having a 3 month old herself. You will endure and He does provide strength abundant enough. And the peace of course can only come from His spirit inside us. You are completly right about that. Hold onto that peace. You are strong and if our God is for us then who can ever stop and if our God is with us then what can stand against us! Keep blogging so we know what to pray for. I love you sister in Jesus.

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  9. Thank you so much for your powerful words. I know you must feel a myriad of emotions right now and the last thing you want to hear is thanks but what an enormous weight your words carry for so many. I will never understand this burden you've been given but I can tell that God is and will continue to use every ounce of this experience for HIS glory.

    Praying for your chin to stay high so that worshiping HIM feels like the only natural thing to do!!

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  10. I am a friend of one of your sisters and wanted to send many thoughts and prayers.

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  11. So sorry that you are in such pain now. Try to focus on the river house and how beautiful and peaceful it will be. God is good and is with you for each and every step. Thank you for the updates and for sharing your feelings and thoughts. You can beat this, Libby...HE is holding you.

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  12. Praising God for His peace that is resting upon you. He is faithful to carry you. I will pray that He takes the pain away quickly.

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  13. Congratulations on the River house. I will continue to pray each night that the three of you will have a restful night sleep.

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  14. Hi Libby,
    Your parents and I were classmates in elementary school. My home is in Arizona. Having just received the link to your blog in an e-mail I wanted to respond. Please know that I will share your story with my Christian friends here so that we may pray for you and your family. Be encouraged by Isaiah 40:31. "but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." Rest in His strong arms, He will carry you.
    Carole (Hekman) Holland

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  15. Libby, Today I am doing a post about you on my blog. Your a courageous and strong woman.

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  16. Libby,
    Hi I found your blog through my dear friend Kim...she did a post about you today....Kim and I have been bloggy friends for about a year and we have become great friends....I just love her....

    Anywho your story made me cry....you are so strong and going through so much yet you have the best attitude about it....I was diagnosed with DM shortly after we had our miracle baby and I go to JHU for treatment....I currently didn't get the best of news there I am on chemo meds and I know I will beat this....

    My friend who just went to bible study shared this with me :
    I know nothing more, I know nothing less, all I know is that god knows the rest....

    I think that it is perfect....

    I think you should totally go over and say hi to Emily she is a friend as well and Kim posted about her today.....she is 15 and just diagnosed with Cancer and she is amazing....she is wise amongst her years and so positive....

    When life gives you lemons, make lemonade....that is always what I try to do....

    nice to "meet" you....

    Summer

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  17. Dear Libby,

    Though I've never met you, I think of you and your sweet family often. You and this season in your life have made such an impact on me already. Thank you for being a picture of Grace. It is clear already that you are not wasting this and do not intend to.

    I read this in my morning devotions and thought of you.

    "This sickness is not unto death."
    --John 11:4

    From our Lord's words we learn that there is a limit to sickness. Here is an "unto" within which its ultimate end is restrained, and beyond which it cannot go. Lazarus might pass through death, but death was not to be the ultimatum of his sickness. In all sickness, the Lord saith to the waves of pain, "Hitherto shall ye go, but no further." His fixed purpose is not the destruction, but the instruction of His people. Wisdom hangs up the thermometer at the furnace mouth, and regulates the heat. ~Charles Spurgeon

    I'm so thankful that there is a limit and His purpose is instruction. Thank you for loving Him and living for Him.

    Praying for you,

    Sara

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  18. the other night i caught some of the new hbo series "the big c" it really made me see the truth of your title "don't waste your cancer"
    the main character spend her time just induldging her every whim-what a waste. keep it up-many are in prayer for you and your family as you live out your faith in our lord and savior Jesus Christ
    kim geelhoed(brookside crc)

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  19. i read your blog everyday, and just wanted you to know that you are in my thoughts. <3

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  20. Joe &amp; Deb TanisAugust 18, 2010 at 10:37 AM

    Hi Libby,
    We want you to know we think of you and your family and pray for you often. Joe had Hodgkin's when he was 18 years old and he was in the last stages and the drs gave him a 50/50 chance at St Judes Children Research Hospital. (Grand Rapids gave him 3-6 mos) BUT As you know GOD IS GOOD and he is now 55 years old. If you just need someone to talk to that has been through it just give him a call. Yours in Christ,
    Joe & Deb Tanis

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  21. Friends of your folks, Libby, and working for Calvin College out West. What good folks they are--glad you mom is with you!

    My heart is heavy, but love your spirit and your faith. We will pray for all of you!

    Ron Polinder

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  22. I am praying for you and your family. this is not a waste by any means.

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  23. It is such a special gift that you can share you thoughts and emotions and your love for Christ on this blog. Don't be afraid to whine to us once in awhile...we are here for you and we'll still love you through all the ups and downs. Your friends, family and people you don't even know are listening and care for you. You are such a brave soul. You remind the rest of us that we need to number our days...and we are never in control of what happens to us.

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  24. Libby I am praying for your pain tonight among the many other things I continue to lift up in prayer for you. One Love in HIm.

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  25. Libby - You know that you are never alone for God is with you.
    The countless people whose lives you've touched...and enriched are also with you!!! We will continue to pray for you...Justin & precious Ava every day !!!

    Please know that I am here...and would be happy to take care of Ava so you & Justin can go to appointments...or just have a date night! Please don't hesitate to call me day or night...(757)436-1721 or (757)434-0475

    Tricia Chappell
    Katherine "Kat" Chappell's Mom

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