wednesday july 28, 2010

i wake up early with ava. she is a great sleeper, but recently she has been getting up at 6:30am. too early. give her a bottle and she watches baby einstein nursery numbers. she loves it. she has watched it a hundred time and when it comes on she acts like its the first time. i lay back in bed, but cant sleep. i check my email. as people begin to find out i start getting emails. i love that. i feel so loved and prayed for. prayer works. in case you are reading this and doubting prayer, let me assure it does. it does not mean that we get the answer we want, but we do get the answer He wants. that is what i am holding too. the truth that God knows what is best for me, justin, and ava. better than what i know. its still hard. we wait for the dr call. but he does not call today and when i call his office i just got voicemail. good news. one of the oncologist we want to see can get me in on friday instead of monday. perfect. waiting is hard. today more people find out. justin sends out an email to all of the young life staff in our region. that spreads to the entire country and before i know it i am getting emails and texts and calls from people everyone. all saying they are praying. its helpful. knowing people love us and knowing that people really are praying. today i am in my pajamas all day. so is ava. but today is good. i try to stay off the phone but i am not good at that. i want to talk to my family and my friends. but i am worn out. telling the story over and over. sometimes i can pull myself together great and others times i cry through the whole thing. i am really really all over the map today emotionally. its becoming more real. i am forgetting to eat. not on purpose but we move through the day so quickly. tonight i am try to go to bed early. but end up on the phone until too late. 2am and ava is up at 6:30am.