and we are asked to wait one more day...

we both slept well last night. total gift. ava slept in until 9am. another gift. i called my surgeons office this morning and she said my results were not in. i was annoyed and hung up. i called the hospital and spoke to the pathologist who was so kind when i told her our situation. she said my results were IN (yay!) and she would fax them wherever i wanted them to go. thrilled! my results are in! so she faxed them to our oncologist, who is on vacation, which we knew, but his p.a would help us today. we call the office and find out his p.a is not in the office today. so we wait. we are asked to wait one more day. his p.a did call justin to say that she will call us first thing in the morning. immediately i was angry and just sad. clearly. but we were at the outlet malls so instead of getting angry i shopped with my mom. its really hard to wait...

justin called and cancelled our appointment with the jones institute this morning. its the place where we would go to harvest a few of my eggs. initially we were told their was a slight chance that after my chemo i may not ovulate again. we have since heard that the risk is very low and therefore we are not going to go in that direction. however, i never wanted to do it. to me it meant that i would not get better, or that things would not return to what they once were after this season of life had passed. clearly you can look at in an entirely different way, like harvest a few eggs... you may not need them..but you have them just in case. i saw it differently. to me it meant that my body would not go back to "normal." and that is a hard thing to imagine. we have our sweet ava. i have had the gift, oh the absolute gift of being pregnant, giving birth (which i loved by the way...yes i loved loved labor & delivery)..and being a mom to ava. all this said, there was a moment after justin got off the phone when i had the quick passing thought, i hope we made the right choice. i do hope we made the right choice.

and again we wait.