i know i am blogging twice today. i used to think people who blogged had no lives. sorry for thinking that. i no longer feel that way. i promise. but this is my journal and we want to share it with you. but i have to write.
about three hours ago i asked my mom if she would play with ava, do some laundry, and put ava to bed for me. i was tired and wanted to lay down. well instead of sleeping i laid in my bed (my most favorite place) and cried, read blogs, read emails, thought, prayed, missed my husband (he was out running errands), and cried more. i get sad the most when i am alone. at 7:30pm i decided to get up because i missed ava and wanted to play with her in bed with me. she started getting fussy, so i made her a bottle, and put her pjs on. as i was getting her ready i started crying. crying because i never want to miss one night of putting her to bed again. bedtime is such a precious time. we sat in her glider and cuddled up and she drank her sucky formula. for the past few months whenever i nursed ava she would reach up and touch my face with one her hands. she would just stroke my face back and forth and back and forth. i have missed that. well tonight when i was helping her hold her bottle, she reached up with one hand and put it around my neck and played with my hair. i love when people play with my hair and tonight my sweet ava did it and i wept. she held on so tight. just her and i. i promised her that even though you may have more babysitters in the next few months than i would maybe like, i will always put you to bed. even when i am sick and i am tired, i will put you to bed (unless your daddy really wants to). i fell even more in love with my ava tonight.
these past two weeks have sure slowed the ryder family down. we did not mean to it just happened naturally. we were sorta forced to. but its been so refreshing. i never have plans. i have never had that before. my only real obligations are going to doctors appointments, but other than that nothing. i know this time will pass. it has too. justin will go back to work. i will begin to get back into my usual routine and be ready to see more people...i am sorry it is just still very hard for me. please do not feel abandoned. you know who you are...but we are still here, we are just taking a little break while we figure this whole thing out. but this time as been a gift. as i sat and rocked ava to sleep i was not distracted by anything. i have never experienced this before and the newness in it is perfect. i feel peaceful. for tonight i feel peaceful.