I am in the waiting room as my good friend tries to get some answers. Thankful for friends who are so willing to care for our girls when mommy is away. This morning i am begging The Lord for some answers to explain the pain and the symptoms of my friend. The unknown is the worst. It's in those moments where our trust in The Lord really becomes evident. Do we trust Him when we don't know what is happening or why it's happening or what to do or where to go? It's there where we quickly find out who we are and what we are about. It is our nature to want answers and direction and being able to "know the plan." But none of that is guaranteed. So will we continue to put our hope and trust in the one thing that gives us life or continue to ask why and toil and plead for answers? Sometimes we get them but often times we don't. Life is tricky like that. But thankfully Jesus is wiser and bigger and far grander than our little brains and hearts and fleeting emotions.
On my way here I stopped and got us starbucks. When I was sick we always got starbucks before or after my appointments. In some weird way starbucks seemed to trick my mind into thinking Justin and I were just on a coffee date. Not heading to chemo or surgery or more blood work. It didn't always work but at least we tried.
As I left starbucks I started crying under my sunglasses. A little
PTSD I think. But mostly as I wait I am reminded of where I once was and where I am now. Healed (thank you casey for the sweet reminder last night. you are an incredible encourager). I was sick and now I am not. Because of that I am able to sit next to my dear friend. Something seems to be wrong and we don't what. Today I pray for answers. Some explanation to all te symptoms. Glad to be on the other side of our story and able to sit here today. It is possible because in my story...in my scary healthy story there was medicine. Medicine that worked and saved my life. I am grateful. I will never stop being grateful.
I am so emotional. I am crying as I blog in the waiting area. A nurse just came out and asked a woman (whose husband just got a scan done and is waiting to see the dr for results) if she wanted to come back there and wait with him. I pray I am wrong but I think they might be getting some bad news. In our experience they do not usually include family unless it is bad news. Kinda like when my dr called and said "hey no rush but can you come to my office in 30 minutes and bring your husband." I hope a dr never tells me to bring my husband to another apportionment unless it's when I am pregnant because I like him at those visits. They just came our crying. I knew it. Side note: I am sure often times family is asked to come to appointments or to wait with the patient because it is nicer to be with people you love than be alone. Didn't want to scare anyone.
Time to pull it together. Not sure how to end today. Hospitals are just a sad place for me today. Not all the time but most of the time. Such a bittersweet place.
Thursday, May 16, 2013
Sunday, May 12, 2013
mother's day & six years
first off...thank you for all the encouraging comments on the last post. i have spent many nights re-reading them all. thank you, thank you, thank you.
today our family is celebrating mother's day and our six years of marriage. i had no idea that being a mom to ava and lyla would give me such purpose and life and joy and that my love for justin would be more real and intimate and honest six years in. we sat at lunch today and talked about our marriage and all that we have walked through together. just one year ago i peed on a stick at barnes and noble and my dollar store pregnancy test confirmed what i sorta already knew. baby number two. the one we had prayed so hard for. that my body would be completely healed and healthy enough to carry another child. our little miracle baby. who would be even more of a miracle if she slept better at night. kidding.
on mother's day every year we sit at lunch and justin shares with me things he loves and appreciates about me. it's kinda nice. ava got involved in that a bit today with some prompting from daddy. mostly she likes that i let her watch tv, feed her breakfast, and read her books. glad those are the three things that stick out in her little mind. i do like today. i know that not every person likes today. there might be a lot of hurt around this day. for all sorts of reasons i am sure. but my hope is that every person has some woman in their life and that today they make sure they know how loved they are. you don't have to have your own kids to necessarily celebrate today. there are a lot of ladies who love my girls and are guiding them and teaching them. thankful for the people we have around us. it's a special thing.
when we celebrate our anniversary we always talk about the last year and all that it held and what we think is next. not sure why we do that since basically every year of marriage has brought some sort of surprise. some joyful and some terribly sad. we prayed hard that this year would be one of joy. i do prefer joy over hard things. i know we can do hard things. the past few years have shown us that. but it does take a hold of your heart and sometimes things never really go back to how they once were. justin says we lost our innocence when i got cancer. i think he is right. although we are young we have walked through real. real hard stuff...like many of you...and sometimes it feels like your drowning. it's too sad and too scary but we do it. because no one said life would always be joyful. i have been thinking about this a lot lately. how the Lord really does have a purpose in the hard stuff. i am toiling over it all a bit. plan to write about it this week. so check back.
i like being a mom. i don't recall being obsessed with the whole mom thing as a young girl, but i am not sure so i will ask my mom. i guess it just seemed natural. i desire to create memories and take walks and get ice cream and be a mom that says yes more than no. ava often says to me..."oh, mom you say yes all the time." i am glad she thinks that because my heart doesn't always feel that way.
i have not felt "on point" lately. i don't wanna be a broken record here but i am blaming it on lack of sleep. so this past week without justin home i kinda lost it. i yelled. i cussed (mostly under my breath and in my head because ava is very impressionable). i cried. i lost my temper. i got mad easily. so ava...if you read this some day i am sorry. i am so sorry for this past week (i did tell her in person too. but you can do it more than once). for getting way angrier than probably necessary. i am going to try better tomorrow.
i think when an off day happens...we should confess, ask for forgiveness, be forgiven, and move on. try again tomorrow. because although i would not trade being a mom for anything else in the world there is a lot of stuff about being a mom that i don't like. just to name a few: laundry, sleepless nights, a three year old who does not listen, repeating myself all day long, taking kids in and out of car seats just for one quick errand. if this were safe i would love if every parking lot had an attendant that would watch your locked car while you ran into the store for literally 2-3 minutes. wouldn't that be so nice? if it weren't illegal. i don't love unloading the dishwasher either but i am pretty sure that is just part of life not a mom thing. just me being lazy and taking for granted that a machine washes our dishes.
but as my husband shared some thoughts with me today and spoke into my heart and into my life as a woman and a mother i felt okay. i felt okay about not loving everything about being a mother or a wife. i am not a failure if it is not always joyful and fun. but my heart...my desire is that my life, my husbands, and my girls is one full of hope and purpose and laughter. i want to laugh more. i want to have fun. you know? we should all just have more fun with each other. i know people do annoying things. i sure do. justin does. i tend to harp on him about the things he is not the best at. but what if for year seven...i complimented him more. encouraged him. wrote him little notes. always said i love you. always kiss. anytime of day. you come home...kiss. you leave...kiss. you get it. just be close. be intentional. but because we get busy and we get lazy and those little things. those important little things that are actually the huge things...well they make the difference. i am convinced that the more justin and i laugh and have fun and say i love you...that is what will keep this thing going. maybe i am naive. i probably am. but i don't care. i want that. i want real. i want deep. i real deep love. so that's my goal for year seven. my goal as a mother. same thing. express my love for the girls so much that it annoys them. i am totally fine with being annoying. because life is hard sometimes and i want our home to be one of joy. where we can all breath a little easier because the pressure is off.
i take things for granted. maybe you do to. after cancer and losing pop pop i want our life to matter. each day. every choice. the little things and the big huge gigantic things. they all matter. this will be the year. this year will not be wasted. seems like it should be the new year or something but i kinda like jump starting the year on our anniversary. so here we go.
happy mother's day to everyone out there. happy mother's day to my own mom. you shaped me into the person i am today.
today our family is celebrating mother's day and our six years of marriage. i had no idea that being a mom to ava and lyla would give me such purpose and life and joy and that my love for justin would be more real and intimate and honest six years in. we sat at lunch today and talked about our marriage and all that we have walked through together. just one year ago i peed on a stick at barnes and noble and my dollar store pregnancy test confirmed what i sorta already knew. baby number two. the one we had prayed so hard for. that my body would be completely healed and healthy enough to carry another child. our little miracle baby. who would be even more of a miracle if she slept better at night. kidding.
on mother's day every year we sit at lunch and justin shares with me things he loves and appreciates about me. it's kinda nice. ava got involved in that a bit today with some prompting from daddy. mostly she likes that i let her watch tv, feed her breakfast, and read her books. glad those are the three things that stick out in her little mind. i do like today. i know that not every person likes today. there might be a lot of hurt around this day. for all sorts of reasons i am sure. but my hope is that every person has some woman in their life and that today they make sure they know how loved they are. you don't have to have your own kids to necessarily celebrate today. there are a lot of ladies who love my girls and are guiding them and teaching them. thankful for the people we have around us. it's a special thing.
when we celebrate our anniversary we always talk about the last year and all that it held and what we think is next. not sure why we do that since basically every year of marriage has brought some sort of surprise. some joyful and some terribly sad. we prayed hard that this year would be one of joy. i do prefer joy over hard things. i know we can do hard things. the past few years have shown us that. but it does take a hold of your heart and sometimes things never really go back to how they once were. justin says we lost our innocence when i got cancer. i think he is right. although we are young we have walked through real. real hard stuff...like many of you...and sometimes it feels like your drowning. it's too sad and too scary but we do it. because no one said life would always be joyful. i have been thinking about this a lot lately. how the Lord really does have a purpose in the hard stuff. i am toiling over it all a bit. plan to write about it this week. so check back.
i like being a mom. i don't recall being obsessed with the whole mom thing as a young girl, but i am not sure so i will ask my mom. i guess it just seemed natural. i desire to create memories and take walks and get ice cream and be a mom that says yes more than no. ava often says to me..."oh, mom you say yes all the time." i am glad she thinks that because my heart doesn't always feel that way.
i have not felt "on point" lately. i don't wanna be a broken record here but i am blaming it on lack of sleep. so this past week without justin home i kinda lost it. i yelled. i cussed (mostly under my breath and in my head because ava is very impressionable). i cried. i lost my temper. i got mad easily. so ava...if you read this some day i am sorry. i am so sorry for this past week (i did tell her in person too. but you can do it more than once). for getting way angrier than probably necessary. i am going to try better tomorrow.
i think when an off day happens...we should confess, ask for forgiveness, be forgiven, and move on. try again tomorrow. because although i would not trade being a mom for anything else in the world there is a lot of stuff about being a mom that i don't like. just to name a few: laundry, sleepless nights, a three year old who does not listen, repeating myself all day long, taking kids in and out of car seats just for one quick errand. if this were safe i would love if every parking lot had an attendant that would watch your locked car while you ran into the store for literally 2-3 minutes. wouldn't that be so nice? if it weren't illegal. i don't love unloading the dishwasher either but i am pretty sure that is just part of life not a mom thing. just me being lazy and taking for granted that a machine washes our dishes.
but as my husband shared some thoughts with me today and spoke into my heart and into my life as a woman and a mother i felt okay. i felt okay about not loving everything about being a mother or a wife. i am not a failure if it is not always joyful and fun. but my heart...my desire is that my life, my husbands, and my girls is one full of hope and purpose and laughter. i want to laugh more. i want to have fun. you know? we should all just have more fun with each other. i know people do annoying things. i sure do. justin does. i tend to harp on him about the things he is not the best at. but what if for year seven...i complimented him more. encouraged him. wrote him little notes. always said i love you. always kiss. anytime of day. you come home...kiss. you leave...kiss. you get it. just be close. be intentional. but because we get busy and we get lazy and those little things. those important little things that are actually the huge things...well they make the difference. i am convinced that the more justin and i laugh and have fun and say i love you...that is what will keep this thing going. maybe i am naive. i probably am. but i don't care. i want that. i want real. i want deep. i real deep love. so that's my goal for year seven. my goal as a mother. same thing. express my love for the girls so much that it annoys them. i am totally fine with being annoying. because life is hard sometimes and i want our home to be one of joy. where we can all breath a little easier because the pressure is off.
i take things for granted. maybe you do to. after cancer and losing pop pop i want our life to matter. each day. every choice. the little things and the big huge gigantic things. they all matter. this will be the year. this year will not be wasted. seems like it should be the new year or something but i kinda like jump starting the year on our anniversary. so here we go.
happy mother's day to everyone out there. happy mother's day to my own mom. you shaped me into the person i am today.
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
here we are.
hi.
it's been a while. justin told me last night to stop making excuses and saying things like "remember when i had a blog..." so here i am. let me give you a little background on my silence.
i do not really have a good reason per say. mostly i think it is because the longer you get out of the routine of anything...exercising, reading, crafting, cooking (i would rather go out for every single meal for the rest of my life. just sayin'.) etc. the harder it becomes to get back into it. i am fine with never "getting back" into cooking. but alas we all must eat. it can be hard even when it is something you love. even though i have barely started to write i already feel back at home. the girls are in bed and music is playing and the house is quiet. it is also storming outside and i like it. it feels nice.
ava is in bed because she was a hot mess today so sister got put to bed at 7pm (i am screwed in the morning) and lyla was woken up from her late afternoon nap so we could meet friends for dinner so she is down. not for the entire night since she is not into sleeping 12 hrs at one given time. so i am tired. 4 months without a solid nights sleep makes one tired. but i know i am preaching to the choir since every mother out there gets it. sleep becomes a luxury once you choose to have children. but this is not where i start complaining because i know that their are many people out there who would give just about anything for a healthy little baby. we sure are thankful for our little lyla. i am just saying that i would not be mad if she decided to sleep a little bit more at night. that's it. i like sleep.
it is busy. not that i am soooo busy since i sorta hate how everyone throws that around so much. i am just adjusting to two kids and i work a little (i should for sure be writing my notes right now since i am about a week behind) and i have a life outside of this space. i guess lately i have been living my life oppose to writing about it or sharing my heart. i totally know that i can do both. lots of people are doing it. i read about it on their blogs.
but mostly i have been real insecure about my writing lately. long story short someone who maybe helps people publish books sorta looked at this blog and said they were not that impressed with the writing. i remember reading the email and getting a lump in my throat. kinda mad. kinda sad. kinda embarrassed. so i crept back a bit. a little hesitant to write. not feeling real confident in myself and my abilities and this blog as a whole. so that has been the tension going on inside my head. all different voices playing games with me a bit. not real voices. you know what i mean.
here is the reality. i am not that good of a writer. my grammar is atrocious (where to put commas and there or their. they get me every time. i know i should have learned that a long time in elementary school, middle school, high school, and maybe even in college. not sure. but i some how passed without ever being totally clear on some of the english language basics). but as i hid behind all sorts of things like a new baby, fatigue, work, laundry, and life. i just sat in those things and became more and more removed from this blog. i know that this place gives me life. it helps me work through things going on inside of me and puts words to it. it is a place where i document our families life and share pictures and share our life. i like to do that. i like to learn from other people and hopefully add a little bit of my own heart and our story to the mix.
i have a lot of excuses and even some good explanations to the absence and i am sure it is a combination of them all. i know that you make time for what matters and i guess lately other things have mattered more. i am not apologizing for it since i chose it and sometimes seasons of life look different. it has just felt like a lot. not a lot every hour of everyday but maybe when i have some free time i am choosing to read or sit on the couch or watch tv. just be. no talking. just rest. i need some rest.
so no promises. not sure the plan yet but i do have more to share so i will share it. i think i am back in that place where i am not sure what direction to go with this whole thing. maybe i do not need a direction for this blog? i really have no idea. but for tonight i am here. the girls are sleeping. justin is gone for work. it is quiet. some friends will be here soon to fill my living room and we will connect and share and all feel a little less alone in our stuff. i like feeling less alone.
i have two goals for the next 24 hours. for lyla to sleep well tonight (that is mostly on lyla. not much i can do. so i guess it is our goal) and for my strong little ava to listen to me. to simply do what she is told. that does not seem that hard but she has a tough time with it.
thank you for sticking with me.
finally for tonight...
during church on sunday i was reminded of the simplest truth about Jesus and how to get to know Him better and become more of who we were meant to be. i love thinking about that. the whole who we were meant to be forever. i want that. i want to grow and evolve and change. the secret to this is simple: spend time with Him. so my third goal for tomorrow is to spend time with Jesus. i guess sometimes it is tough to do it all. so i do what i can. but i am refusing to live like i am too busy for my Savior.
whose with me? what are your goals? please tell me i am not alone. please. help me out here.
it's been a while. justin told me last night to stop making excuses and saying things like "remember when i had a blog..." so here i am. let me give you a little background on my silence.
i do not really have a good reason per say. mostly i think it is because the longer you get out of the routine of anything...exercising, reading, crafting, cooking (i would rather go out for every single meal for the rest of my life. just sayin'.) etc. the harder it becomes to get back into it. i am fine with never "getting back" into cooking. but alas we all must eat. it can be hard even when it is something you love. even though i have barely started to write i already feel back at home. the girls are in bed and music is playing and the house is quiet. it is also storming outside and i like it. it feels nice.
ava is in bed because she was a hot mess today so sister got put to bed at 7pm (i am screwed in the morning) and lyla was woken up from her late afternoon nap so we could meet friends for dinner so she is down. not for the entire night since she is not into sleeping 12 hrs at one given time. so i am tired. 4 months without a solid nights sleep makes one tired. but i know i am preaching to the choir since every mother out there gets it. sleep becomes a luxury once you choose to have children. but this is not where i start complaining because i know that their are many people out there who would give just about anything for a healthy little baby. we sure are thankful for our little lyla. i am just saying that i would not be mad if she decided to sleep a little bit more at night. that's it. i like sleep.
it is busy. not that i am soooo busy since i sorta hate how everyone throws that around so much. i am just adjusting to two kids and i work a little (i should for sure be writing my notes right now since i am about a week behind) and i have a life outside of this space. i guess lately i have been living my life oppose to writing about it or sharing my heart. i totally know that i can do both. lots of people are doing it. i read about it on their blogs.
but mostly i have been real insecure about my writing lately. long story short someone who maybe helps people publish books sorta looked at this blog and said they were not that impressed with the writing. i remember reading the email and getting a lump in my throat. kinda mad. kinda sad. kinda embarrassed. so i crept back a bit. a little hesitant to write. not feeling real confident in myself and my abilities and this blog as a whole. so that has been the tension going on inside my head. all different voices playing games with me a bit. not real voices. you know what i mean.
here is the reality. i am not that good of a writer. my grammar is atrocious (where to put commas and there or their. they get me every time. i know i should have learned that a long time in elementary school, middle school, high school, and maybe even in college. not sure. but i some how passed without ever being totally clear on some of the english language basics). but as i hid behind all sorts of things like a new baby, fatigue, work, laundry, and life. i just sat in those things and became more and more removed from this blog. i know that this place gives me life. it helps me work through things going on inside of me and puts words to it. it is a place where i document our families life and share pictures and share our life. i like to do that. i like to learn from other people and hopefully add a little bit of my own heart and our story to the mix.
i have a lot of excuses and even some good explanations to the absence and i am sure it is a combination of them all. i know that you make time for what matters and i guess lately other things have mattered more. i am not apologizing for it since i chose it and sometimes seasons of life look different. it has just felt like a lot. not a lot every hour of everyday but maybe when i have some free time i am choosing to read or sit on the couch or watch tv. just be. no talking. just rest. i need some rest.
so no promises. not sure the plan yet but i do have more to share so i will share it. i think i am back in that place where i am not sure what direction to go with this whole thing. maybe i do not need a direction for this blog? i really have no idea. but for tonight i am here. the girls are sleeping. justin is gone for work. it is quiet. some friends will be here soon to fill my living room and we will connect and share and all feel a little less alone in our stuff. i like feeling less alone.
i have two goals for the next 24 hours. for lyla to sleep well tonight (that is mostly on lyla. not much i can do. so i guess it is our goal) and for my strong little ava to listen to me. to simply do what she is told. that does not seem that hard but she has a tough time with it.
thank you for sticking with me.
finally for tonight...
during church on sunday i was reminded of the simplest truth about Jesus and how to get to know Him better and become more of who we were meant to be. i love thinking about that. the whole who we were meant to be forever. i want that. i want to grow and evolve and change. the secret to this is simple: spend time with Him. so my third goal for tomorrow is to spend time with Jesus. i guess sometimes it is tough to do it all. so i do what i can. but i am refusing to live like i am too busy for my Savior.
whose with me? what are your goals? please tell me i am not alone. please. help me out here.
my babies. they drive me crazy in all the right and sometimes wrong ways.
Monday, April 22, 2013
still here. i swear.
wanted to drop in. not sure where i went. but i am here and we are doing well. a few concerned readers email me. thank you for caring about family. basically i am tired and so behind on my notes for work that blogging is taking a real backseat right now. i do want it to come back. but feeling like i have nothing to say and that i am not sure the direction the blog is going. i need a little vision. justin and i are trying to get back on the same page. a nice long walk on saturday morning helped to jump start the whole...i love you but sometimes i don' really like you. that is a little bit of where we have been and moving in the direction of liking each other a bit more.
lyla smiles all the time. she is not sleeping through the night yet but we are heading in that direction.
ava got a new scooter today and finished up gymnastics class. dance is starting soon. she wore tinker bell wings to the grocery store. i swore i would never allow something like that but when i see the joy that her dress up clothes seem to bring to her...i roll with it.
the girls and i had quite the travel experience last week. will share that lengthy story this week with a few good pictures. i like adventures with my girls.
lyla smiles all the time. she is not sleeping through the night yet but we are heading in that direction.
ava got a new scooter today and finished up gymnastics class. dance is starting soon. she wore tinker bell wings to the grocery store. i swore i would never allow something like that but when i see the joy that her dress up clothes seem to bring to her...i roll with it.
the girls and i had quite the travel experience last week. will share that lengthy story this week with a few good pictures. i like adventures with my girls.
Monday, March 18, 2013
sisters.
so i love the community we have around this blog because it was fun to hear from so many of you with the whole..."been there done that thing" and helping me feel like i am not the least bit alone in all of this. so thank you. i did get my nails done by the way but i am yet to drink more than two sips of coffee before it's cold. i heated it up 6 time so far today and now that it's noon i am switching to water.
with ava i was pretty relaxed when it came to her schedule. she sorta fell into a rhythm that worked for our family. with little lyla i am starting to see more of a pattern way earlier than with ava and i like it. but it does not always work and what i mean is that we do not always enforce it. so yesterday for example she basically was held all day and when we set her down she got real mad. but today i have laid her down wide awake twice for a nap and after a few minutes of tears she fell asleep. love it. last post=bad day. this post=good day. we are falling into a little rhythm and i like it. i am also
taking some meds to assist with my baby blues. the same day i wrote this post
i saw my midwife and i filled out this little postpartum questionnaire and when she came in to talk with me to see how i was doing i started crying immediately. i didn't even know why. just so much emotion around our life. ted's death, lyla's birth, two years since cancer...i just have not felt normal. because so much about our life is adjusting yet again to a new normal. so we are trying some medicine for a little bit. i am always open to help. so thankfully alongside that and getting more sleep at night and justin and i being on the same page we are all doing a bit better over here. i am trusting my instincts and i love that when you are a mom...you seem to just know. maybe not all the time and we mommas can't feel bad about that. they are little humans with a mind of their own and we sometimes do not have the faintest idea what to do. but when we do...man, it feels like a victory. with teddy we know that she loves to be on her tummy, over my right shoulder, with some little pats on her booty. it seems to be the ticket unless she is hungry. it cures all the tears.
side note. people ask pretty often if we are calling her teddy or lyla. we call her both. we love both. so whatever feels more natural we are good with that. i usually use lyla. but either one works.
taking some meds to assist with my baby blues. the same day i wrote this post
i saw my midwife and i filled out this little postpartum questionnaire and when she came in to talk with me to see how i was doing i started crying immediately. i didn't even know why. just so much emotion around our life. ted's death, lyla's birth, two years since cancer...i just have not felt normal. because so much about our life is adjusting yet again to a new normal. so we are trying some medicine for a little bit. i am always open to help. so thankfully alongside that and getting more sleep at night and justin and i being on the same page we are all doing a bit better over here. i am trusting my instincts and i love that when you are a mom...you seem to just know. maybe not all the time and we mommas can't feel bad about that. they are little humans with a mind of their own and we sometimes do not have the faintest idea what to do. but when we do...man, it feels like a victory. with teddy we know that she loves to be on her tummy, over my right shoulder, with some little pats on her booty. it seems to be the ticket unless she is hungry. it cures all the tears.
side note. people ask pretty often if we are calling her teddy or lyla. we call her both. we love both. so whatever feels more natural we are good with that. i usually use lyla. but either one works.
at this very moment both my girls are sleeping. i miss them but not really. mostly i like it. rachel zoe marathon (swear i wont watch it all day) is on today so i am watching the style network, folding laundry, and because of the few inches of snow we got last night it feels like we are "snowed in" so we are staying put. we even drank hot chocolate.
i am loving the bond between the girls that is happening so naturally. lyla smiles at ava the most. she turns her head to where ava is and whenever ava hugs lyla she always closes her eyes and it melts me. while at the same time ava is not least bit concerned with jumping on the bed and nearly crushing lyla. but when she hugs and kisses her she stops and closes her eyes and soaks her in a bit. i love that. i have two sisters and then hit the jackpot when i married justin and got the bonus of a third sister. i love that we are all married with families so despite the age differences and the distance we are all sharing life. we understand each other on a different level and i need that in them. praying our girls love for one another is even deeper. i hope they feel like someone always has their back and they are never alone. so when they are teenagers and maybe don't like me very much they will have one another.
sometimes she is real happy
and sometimes she is real sad.
haircut for ava is officially happening. tomorrow at 4pm baby.
will post pictures for sure.
i am loving the bond between the girls that is happening so naturally. lyla smiles at ava the most. she turns her head to where ava is and whenever ava hugs lyla she always closes her eyes and it melts me. while at the same time ava is not least bit concerned with jumping on the bed and nearly crushing lyla. but when she hugs and kisses her she stops and closes her eyes and soaks her in a bit. i love that. i have two sisters and then hit the jackpot when i married justin and got the bonus of a third sister. i love that we are all married with families so despite the age differences and the distance we are all sharing life. we understand each other on a different level and i need that in them. praying our girls love for one another is even deeper. i hope they feel like someone always has their back and they are never alone. so when they are teenagers and maybe don't like me very much they will have one another.
sometimes she is real happy
and sometimes she is real sad.
haircut for ava is officially happening. tomorrow at 4pm baby.
will post pictures for sure.
Friday, March 8, 2013
our reality.
right now i am a little sleepy or maybe a lot tired.
my skin is breaking out.
i used to fit into my pre-baby jeans and now they are tight again.
maybe it is all the dairy queen blizzards i seem to be consuming.
but who really knows, ya know.
yesterday.
a little background. ava had bronchitis last week. which used to be a sinus infection...which used to be an ear infection...which used to be the flu. needless to say she has been sick a lot this winter.
along with most every child i know.
along with most every child i know.
after about two days of ava coughing i noticed lyla was coughing as well. it was bad. such a big cough for such a little baby. in our marriage justin and i are on the opposite ends of the spectrum when it comes to illnesses and when we should head to the doctor. i tend to wait it out and see...whereas he is ready to head to the ER at any moment. he was gone all last week and i decided to "wait it out" with little lyla. but after a few awful nights and poor girl being unable to stop coughing i decided yesterday to go to the dr early during his walk-in hours so no appointment was necessary.
you need to be there by 9:00am in order to be seen and it's 8:35am. we live 10 minutes away. i wear my pajamas. my tank top is a little low so i add a scarf to help it "look decent" and maybe even a little trendy. brush my teeth, hair in ponytail, and a little cover-up b/c my skin is breaking out. which is so timely since i am barely showering and getting ready that a pimple or two is always nice.
kept ava in her pajamas and put on her boots. load lyla in her seat. no jacket for me b/c why would i wear a coat it's only 35 degrees out and at least a foot of snow? i do put ava in a jacket and a hat.
i am concerned about her well being but maybe not my own sometimes.
i am concerned about her well being but maybe not my own sometimes.
head to the dr where i get a little stuck getting out b/c although the 4runner can handle snow...we got about 16 inches of snow on wednesday. but i make it out. we do not have a garage. reason number #3 we will never purchase this home. i want a garage. not too much to ask right?
call my friend liz. we are kindred spirits. i ask if i can drop ava off for a little while i go to the dr for lyla. the ride over ava and i discuss back and forth a few things. this is usually how our conversations go before any play date, church nursery, or anytime she is away from us and around other children.
"ava are you doing to make good choices today with your friends?"
"yes mommy i will be a good listener."
"ok good. now that means no hitting or pushing and it is important to share with your friends b/c you are at their house and playing with their toys."
"okay mommy i will."
"now ava please repeat what i just said."
"i will not push and i promise to be a good listener."
now i know in my heart that most likely ava will probably not share with her friend. even though she talks about him all day and how he is her best friend. she will still push him. but maybe. just maybe today she will rise to the occasion and play well with others.
i drop her off real quickly and reminder her again of our conversation as i walk her to the door.
she looks up at me pretty annoyed..."i know mommy. i will make good choices."
she looks up at me pretty annoyed..."i know mommy. i will make good choices."
lyla's cough has lessened at this point as we wait for a few minutes. the nurse calls our names and it's a sweet jmu student who lives up the street. i feel the need to give her a disclaimer about my appearance. to which she says..."oh, i don't care." i then think to myself...i knew that by walking out looking like this i was taking the risk that i would see someone i know. but getting out of the house on time fair outweighed how i happened to look at this given moment. i did catch a glance in the mirror and it was bad. mostly b/c i was wearing the tank top that lyla had spit up on a few times and it really is not appropriate to be worn outside my home. a little snug and low cut. but nothing i can do now and really let me make this clear...because i am not writing this to express what a mess i am right now or maybe i am. not totally sure. i do care about my appearance. most of us do. and when time allows i may choose to ignore a crying baby for a few or put a show on for ava because i feel like a better human being when i shower and get ready for the day. do you agree? yesterday morning just did not allow such time. hence the pajamas and inappropriate tank top.
on to what matters. little baby has a mild case of rsv. i cry. but before i cry i tell the dr i am about to start crying. not sure why but i did. feeling some strange guilt for not bringing her in sooner to be seen and just weary from the intense fatigue i feel. rsv is a cold for babies that can be serious. requires hospitalization sometimes. thankfully lyla's case is mild. her oxygen level was high enough where heading to the hospital was not necessary. they gave her a breathing treatment that seemed to help a bit based on what the dr heard when he listened to her lungs again. it is some sort of magic what a dr can hear with those stethoscopes. truly remarkable.
pull myself together as best i can and it is only 10am. go pick up ava to which my sweet friend liz shares that not only were the kids hitting but ava was tackling her two boys and when she asked the kids to stop using "potty words" they decided not to listen and continue on about booties and pee. which to kids is the most hilarious topic. i am a little furious. can you even be a little furious?
i am just so bummed that our little convo in the car went in one ear and out the other. what to do?
i am just so bummed that our little convo in the car went in one ear and out the other. what to do?
we leave.
but why not head to walmart first. that would be fun. before heading in justin calls b/c he locked out of the house. we have a serious locking ourselves out problem. give him a key and head to walmart. i get 5 house keys made. lyla wakes up and starts crying for the entirety of my rushing around to get the things on my list. finally done.
we head home. i am actually cutting this post short i am not able to finish because lyla is crying and ava is dancing to "call me maybe" in her tutu and it's a little loud. but i will post it so all of you that have chosen to not completely abandon this blog know we are still here and we are alive.
a few things i know for sure.
i am grateful to be a mom to these two girls.
this is only for a season. but then i am sure a new season will emerge.
not sure if it ever becomes easy. but possibly easier.
i would like a pedicure and to drink my coffee warm. not too much to ask right?
oh, and i wish my family lived closer.
being a little vulnerable here but i might be dealing with some post-partum depression.
(that is for another post for another day).
being a little vulnerable here but i might be dealing with some post-partum depression.
(that is for another post for another day).
did her own make-up and i promise to get her hair trimmed soon.
justin and ava played in the snow with some friends and lyla and i stayed inside.
we like it warm.
Sunday, March 3, 2013
finally...
if i were you i would be annoyed with me. i am me and i am annoyed. i love this blog. i love this space. i love how it has given me a place to grow and be honest and share. lately life has just been a bit too much and this little blog has gone to the wayside. but i want to bring it back. my heart feels like it might burst with everything i am learning and feeling. but i am just straight up so tired at night to get myself to write. i am sad that little lyla's life has not been documented here. i so want this blog to be something for the girls. they will read it one day and be given a glimpse into their momma's heart. and ava...oh, strong little ava who is becoming a little girl. she is the best big sister. her love for teddy is more genuine than i ever imagined. especially this soon. praying these little ladies will be the best of friends for life. i am about to head to bed but little lyla is sound asleep on me so i want to share some highlights. this is what's been going down here on paul street.
1. lots of girl time. (we miss you babe).
2. nursing. a lot.
3. naps. mostly for lyla.
4. back to work. i kinda hate it. only 6 hrs a week.
5. making scarves.
6. nursery decor
7. ava wanting to do everything on her own.
8. lyla: overall the best. a little fussy. loves to be held. if she could lay on me all day she would sleep all day. swear.
9. not feeling totally overwhelmed. but certainly have my moments.
10. first thing ava asks for when she wakes up..." hey, mom where is my baby."
11. i eat a lot of dairy queen reeses blizzards.
12. i make a lot of target runs. even if just to stroll the aisles with the girls. but ava loves those huge carts and i hate them. i did find out yesterday that target now provides cup holders for your cart. so pretty much it's the perfect place.
13. we have great friends.
14. grief is heavy and i am sleepy.
15. but joy wins.
keeping my eyes on Christ.
oh, man am i in love.
***
yesterday i had never heard of it and now i am heading to texas.
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