today i had a muga scan. it tests my heart regularity. they just had to draw some blood and mix it with some radioactive stuff and then take pictures of my heart. it was easy. i just laid there while a camera took three pictures of my heart and i could not move. but overall harmless. appointments are just annoying. they take up so much time, but i love that justin has not missed one appointment so far. and maybe he will never miss even one. we stopped for a drink at sonic afterward. there happy hour is a deal. i used to get a big diet coke, but not anymore. i am trying to drink way more water.
when we were driving home from the hospital justin missed a call from our friend who is the area director for yl in williamsburg. we listened to his voice mail together and he had just found out today about me having cancer and he was like, "i could just drive down and come be with you guys, not sure if that's helpful for you, but i could take ava for a walk or something..." i just loved feeling loved. i know everyone feels helpless. because there is nothing anyone can really do. but the hundreds of offers we get from people to help in anyway shape or form does not go unnoticed by us. ever. we feel the body of christ like we have never experienced before. so thank you.
the last two nights we have watched movies. just me and my sisters and my mom and of course justin. chick fila and "its complcated" last night and tonight was sushi and "the last song." its been nice to laugh with my family. my husband is so funny to me. i like these nights. but we did not know that the dad in the stupid film "the last song" was going to have cancer and die at the end. but i was not real sad (because the movie was dumb) not sure how everyone else felt about it.
my dad left on tuesday to go back to wa and i was sad. sad because monday night was a norrible night of throwing up and severe pain. i hated that monday had to be his last night. it gets hard when you want to control how you feel and control the pain, but you can't. i am learning to let go. like never before. and its hard. i want to feel good. i want the pain to be gone. and sometimes it does and sometimes it doesn't. i just want to be able to play with ava. that is the hardest part right now. i had a quick thought today, oh, i wonder if she notices that everyone else is taking care of her before i am. i sure hope she knows its not by choice. tonight though when i rocked her to sleep i sang, "you are so beautiful" over and over and the entire time she touched my lips with her left hand as i sang. i needed to end my day with her just...like...that.
i have not been very nice to justin lately. i am not sure why. i am difficult sometimes. i know i am. i expect a lot out of him. as i should. but sometimes its crazy ridiculous how i act. but i am aware of it and am making a change. cancer brings out of my soul some good and some bad. like i have been swearing more. but i will stop. there is this small sense of "i have cancer so..." but that is not who i am. and that is not who i want to be. but i will not hide from what is true. and what is true is that i have no idea what it's like to have a spouse with cancer, or a daughter with cancer, or a sister with cancer...but i am in the midst of trying to figure out what it means that i have cancer. slowly the numbness is dissipating. maybe that is why this week has hurt so much. i am not sure. but i am trying.