Wednesday, August 18, 2010

muga scan

today i had a muga scan. it tests my heart regularity. they just had to draw some blood and mix it with some radioactive stuff and then take pictures of my heart. it was easy. i just laid there while a camera took three pictures of my heart and i could not move. but overall harmless. appointments are just annoying. they take up so much time, but i love that justin has not missed one appointment so far. and maybe he will never miss even one. we stopped for a drink at sonic afterward. there happy hour is a deal. i used to get a big diet coke, but not anymore. i am trying to drink way more water.

when we were driving home from the hospital justin missed a call from our friend who is the area director for yl in williamsburg. we listened to his voice mail together and he had just found out today about me having cancer and he was like, "i could just drive down and come be with you guys, not sure if that's helpful for you, but i could take ava for a walk or something..." i just loved feeling loved. i know everyone feels helpless. because there is nothing anyone can really do. but the hundreds of offers we get from people to help in anyway shape or form does not go unnoticed by us. ever. we feel the body of christ like we have never experienced before. so thank you.

the last two nights we have watched movies. just me and my sisters and my mom and of course justin. chick fila and "its complcated" last night and tonight was sushi and "the last song." its been nice to laugh with my family. my husband is so funny to me. i like these nights. but we did not know that the dad in the stupid film "the last song" was going to have cancer and die at the end. but i was not real sad (because the movie was dumb) not sure how everyone else felt about it.

my dad left on tuesday to go back to wa and i was sad. sad because monday night was a norrible night of throwing up and severe pain. i hated that monday had to be his last night. it gets hard when you want to control how you feel and control the pain, but you can't. i am learning to let go. like never before. and its hard. i want to feel good. i want the pain to be gone. and sometimes it does and sometimes it doesn't. i just want to be able to play with ava. that is the hardest part right now. i had a quick thought today, oh, i wonder if she notices that everyone else is taking care of her before i am. i sure hope she knows its not by choice. tonight though when i rocked her to sleep i sang, "you are so beautiful" over and over and the entire time she touched my lips with her left hand as i sang. i needed to end my day with her just...like...that.

i have not been very nice to justin lately. i am not sure why. i am difficult sometimes. i know i am. i expect a lot out of him. as i should. but sometimes its crazy ridiculous how i act. but i am aware of it and am making a change. cancer brings out of my soul some good and some bad. like i have been swearing more. but i will stop. there is this small sense of "i have cancer so..." but that is not who i am. and that is not who i want to be. but i will not hide from what is true. and what is true is that i have no idea what it's like to have a spouse with cancer, or a daughter with cancer, or a sister with cancer...but i am in the midst of trying to figure out what it means that i have cancer. slowly the numbness is dissipating. maybe that is why this week has hurt so much. i am not sure. but i am trying.

12 comments:

  1. Libby, you are such a beautiful person. You are very sick and it is understandable that you would be "difficult". Just the myriad of thoughts and emotions you must continually have is enough to make someone not be themselves. Don't be hard on yourself. Just love that sweet Ava, rest and pray...lots of prayers.

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  2. Libby (Langeland) EppingaAugust 18, 2010 at 10:06 PM

    Here is to one day closer to being a cancer survivor...

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  3. I love you...
    You were on my heart while i was writing my last post. listen to that song "my help comes from the Lord" whenever u get a chance. Those words are for YOU darling girl!
    *Big hugs!* Miss you terribly...kisses 4 Ava :)

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  4. My sister also swore a lot more as her treatments got worse and the pain got worse but God provided so much grace. She would also pick fights with her husband b/c he was there and she needed to take her frustration out on someone. But he also provided so much love and grace on her just like Christ does with the church. I love that you know that the pain is not who you have to be. Also know that Ava has Jesus' spirit in her and she knows how much you love her even if other people have to take care of her right now. My sister had to stop taking care of my neice at 3 months old. She then had to live with her grandparents but everytime she saw my sister and heard her voice she knew it was her mommy despite being taken care of by other people. Ava will look back at this and see how strong you were and what faith you have. I will not cease praying and thinking of you.

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  5. I just started reading your blog yesterday. You will be in my thoughts and prayers now. You have a supportive family and friends that care. I am a survivor of cancer.....now 20 years. That first year is so hard. My kids were young but not babies. Keep the Faith and your sweet attitude. WHo care if you swear once in awhile. ((((HUGS))))

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  6. i never knew i could hate & love the same thing thing this much...i hate cancer for the pain, the unknowns, the appts., the sorrow in your face that you can't/aren't supposed to lift/carry ava, the yucky mediport in our body (i hate that one alot), that i can't take any of it away, that i will be miles away during most of your sickest moments in this journey (i want to be the one that cleans your toilet!!), that i see on your face pain and hurt...and yet your efforts to try to hide it, i have never hated something as much as i hate cancer in you...but i love that this journey has brought you and justin's relationship to a new place-praise God, that you are able to be strong and share your strength with others, that you live each day to love more fully, that you have more patience and love in you (with nana cancer in your body) than most people have on a good day, that when ava looks at you-your face shines-i love that, that each day is a gift from God, I love that i get to look up to my baby sister, i love that we will all never view things the same after this, cancer changes us-for the better-that what is really important isn't what we spend so much time and energy on-what's important is Christ-that's it!!!
    ...i love and hate this all so much...but mostly i praise God for being so Good & for blessing me with a sister like you...

    on another note...not a good idea for us to watch a cancer movie last night...what were we thinking!!! btw i had been on the brink of tears all day yesterday...and it was the sappy movie that opened the flood gates...it was good to cry...sometimes that is all you can do...just cry...

    thanks for being you...xoxo...becky

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  7. just wanted to thank you for your honesty...
    you are real... and i love that about you!
    praying for you friend...
    trusting that our God is carrying you...

    ash hunt

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  8. I hadn't seen the movie yet.. thanks for the spolier! Just kidding :) I really love what an above commenter wrote, "Here is to one day closer to being a cancer survivor..." I second that notion :)

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  9. Oh my gosh Libby. I just love how authentic you are. I have a feeling you don't hit the backspace key alot...I'm glad you don't. Do you ever think about the comfort you are giving to us as we read your unfolding story? Strange how it works that way.

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  10. You inspire me to be a better person! Thank you for sharing this journey with us...and for being so real about it.
    Praying for you.
    And your family.
    much Love!

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  11. When you feel like you haven't treated Justin fairly, tell him so. I'm sure he will tell you he understands, but it is important say "I'm sorry". The words aren't only important for him to hear, but also for you to say. You can't forgive yourself and move on if you don't.

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  12. Libby,
    My name is Libby too! I think that God gave us this name because it's different, unique, there aren't really that many of us I have met and I am pushing 50. You are a beautiful young woman sharing life on life's terms. I appreciate your transparency and love for our Lord. I will pray for you at this time. I will pray for Justin and Ava. Children are a gift from the Lord. She is as beautiful as her parents. I like what the others have posted, it's wisdom. You are loved with an everlasting love and underneth you are the everlasing arms! Elisabeth Elliot used this comment at the end of all her talks :-) Blessings and love in Jesus, Libby in Washington~Hebrews 11

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