Wednesday, August 25, 2010

one day closer

tomorrow we start chemotherapy. 10am. its been a crazy week so far. we moved. love our new place. its unbelievable. truly. it feels like home. like no where else i have ever lived. we watch boats sail down the river from our bed.

yesterday was a big appointment. we found out a few things. good news: my bone marrow is clear. bad news: the spots in my hip and rib are "atypical" and therefore put me at stage 4 lympthoma. because there is bone involvement it is more rare than typical hodgkins lymphoma. but my dr said after consulting with other doctors around the country that the cure rate is still above ninety percent and we are moving forward with ABVD chemotherapy for six months. every other wednesday. and we will assess if radiation is necessary as we go. this was the first appt where i felt sad. i was holding back my tears the entire time, just thinking wait until we get to the car, wait until we get to the car...i was doing ok for the most part until my chemo nurse brought us into the room where they administer the chemotherapy. i was incredibly overwhelmed. rows upon rows of over sized leather chairs with bald people sitting in them getting their chemo. i immediately turned around and said i cant do this and walked out. not like i cant do this (cancer i mean) but like i can not even sort of handle this room right now. it was depressing and real and hard and scary. without a doubt i have such a heart for people who have cancer and have had cancer. you are tough. keep fighting. its all you can do. to wake up and decide that today...today i will fight this, even though i am tired and don't really want to...i will keep fighting. there is nothing fun about this. and this is real. all of it. the appointments, the medications, the doctors, the driving, the leaving ava, the conversations, the fights, the pain, the heartache, the joy, the...this is our life...really this is our life? and the answer is yes and i would not have it any other way.

as justin and i settle into our new normal...its hard. we argue and fight. about stupid stuff and important stuff. we are just trying to process and figure this out. but you cant figure cancer out. it is what it is. so we choose to keep going. to maintain some form of normalcy in the midst of it all. and we cling to what is real. our God is good. even when the pain is too much for us, he is good. and we will win. and tomorrow we are one step closer to winning.

to my dear hope street girls. my heart aches that instead of celebrating with you all tomorrow and this weekend i will be getting my first round of chemo. i love you all.

25 comments:

  1. praying for you always, we will all be with you tomorrow.

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  2. Praying for you, too! Praying for total healing, strength and everything you need!

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  3. i know this is hard for you libby im sorry you have to go through this pain
    the lord is with you always and he loves you so much
    praying for you always and i wish i could give you a huge hug right now!

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  4. Libby & Justin...I'm praying, continuing to pray for both of you. You will come through this like shining stars. Libby, I'm so sorry that you are having to endure not only the pain, but all of the sadness of this. God is good and will walk with you through each step of this long journey. We love you and are hear for you in whatever you need.

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  5. Libby,
    I have never met anyone stronger than you. You have the inner strength, the strength of spirit and faith that will give you stamina even when you are tired. Continue to cling to what is real...you can do this...you will win! One day closer tomorrow.

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  6. Sorry...should have been here, not hear.

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  7. Hope Street girls will miss you too this weekend. So badly wish you could be there with us. We will keep praying Lib. Praying hard. Love you lots!!!! -Ruth

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  8. It seems like I always post right after dad....it's because I love him...you are the strongest person I know, too. And you've always been a blessing to me. What a bright light you are for our faith. Tomorrow is indeed one step closer to total healing. One step closer to my visit, too. Love you.

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  9. Praying for you as you go through this tough time. It is admirable the way you are handling this! I for one believe that faith is knowing not that God can but He will. I pray for your strength. Keep holding on.

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  10. I just started reading your blog. You are one amazing woman of God! I'll be praying for His healing hand to be upon you in the days and weeks to come.

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  11. The ONLY way to ever get through what you all are going through is to totally put your faith in God. Aren't you glad that we never have to face anything alone? He is there with us every step of the wway! I am praying for a divine visitation of the Holy Spirit. I pray that God covers you with His blood. The blood that was shed when He took those stripes for OUR HEALING!! I know exactly what you are going through. My cousin, who is 28 years old, is a liver cancer survivor. God had His hand on her life and I know without a shadow of doubt, He has His hand on yours! May God bless you and keep you! You all are such a blessing and encouragement to everyone who reads your story. We tend to forget about the important things in life until lilfe is put into perspective. Cherish everyday and know that God has you in the palm of His hand! Pray, Believe and RECEIVE your healing in Jesus name!! Amen! God Bless you all

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  12. Dear Libby, I know that feeling of walking into that Chemo room..it is like nothing you would ever imagine. You will meet friends and settle in though. God is with you & it's a great time to spend with Him. God Bless you, Our God is faithful & full of grace.

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  13. May the Lord give you and your husband a peace that passes all understanding! I will be praying for you today as you start your first treatment, hang in there honey, you will do this, and through it you are already touching lives by your faith in knowing that God is good even through this hard time! I hope the others that you are placed next to in the room will be of encouragement to you. God Bless you- You can do this!

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  14. Continuing to keep you in my prayers.

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  15. So many thoughts and prayers with you and your familiy Libby. You are doing a wonderful job in trusting God to take care of you. Hugs and more prayers for all of you.

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  16. Libby,
    My thoughts and prayers are with you and Justin today as you endure your first treatment. I'm glad you were able to get into your home for this healing time. It sounds like the perfect place to be. Just goes to show us that God is keeping you close and comfortable along this amazing journey.
    Stephanie

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  17. Love you so much Libby! Will be praying for you today as you start chemo. Thank you for your faith and encouragment.

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  18. Libby, I am Jacob Heatheringtons Grandmother. His mom told me about what you and Justin are going through. If you were speaking of the treatment center in Norfolk, I was there in that room with my son Brett. He was getting treatment for his testicular cancer. We have met many wonderful, courageous people during his teatment. That is a room full of courage and hope. You and Justin are in my thoughts and prayers. May god give you both the courage you need for this journey and restore you to good health. Elizabeth Lloyd

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  19. you will be a light in a dark place libby! i know that the hope that you and justin have will make people wonder...they will want to know what you all have. i can't wait to see all the ways God will continue to use you all.

    PRAYING!

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  20. You will do ok today! You will meet the same people every week and get to know their stories.

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  21. libby, i don't know you but i know your journey you are about to take. our 16 year old son had cancer in the brain and spine. we never went in that room. but my dad had too. i know it is hard to take and look at. but, you will find encouragement in that room. you will laugh, and you will cry with these people. that too is all part of the healing process! you will be healed libby. take it one day at a time. GOD is near. he is near now and he will be near every day. he never changes! i know you already know that. i love reading about how close you and Him are.
    fight it girl in a big way. you can do this.
    love and GOD bless,
    Cathy

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  22. p.s. the reason my son didn't go in that room was because he had his treatments at the hospital. i didn't want it to sound like we didn't do treatment.

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  23. In this moment we're praying hard for you, for Justin. We believe in the Lord's power and in you as a fighter, Lib.

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  24. 90% is GOOD news! :) It is now 1PM and you are well into your chemo appointment-- I am praying for you today.

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