Tuesday, September 28, 2010
went to the dr today and my wbc count is just over one thousand so i am healthy enough for chemo on thursday. its bittersweet. secretly wanted my wbc count to be too low for chemo so i could keep putting it off. but then i thought the more i stay on schedule the quicker i will be finished with chemo. its a strange place to be. i think its normal to not want to go to chemo, but i also think "putting it off" is sorta part of the denial part. justin said to me this week he think he is still in denial. it seems sometimes like this is not our life, but we are outside of it and watching it happen. its strange that way. i don't think you ever get used to cancer. whether its happening to you or happening to someone around you. you are simply forced to live with the new reality that you are sick. and there is not much you can do to change it. or anything for that matter. the only choice we have been given in my diagnosis is how we will react to me having cancer. and we choose life. not death. and hope. lots of hope. a commercial just came on tv and said, "when you have cancer you have to trust the experts with you life." its funny because i like my dr. i trust that he went to medical school and knows a lot about cancer. but my life is not in his hands. and its not in my own hands either. and thank the lord for that. because my dr cant fix me. i cant fix me. and it takes a lot of pressure off the both of us. i like that. but instead i trust jesus with this. really truly i do. i do not stay up at night worrying about justin and what he would do without me or ava. sweet little ava. i am her mom. no one else can do it as good as me. and i think i can say that. not because i am so great, but because she is a part of me. and justin and i know her the best. anyways i try not to worry about what may never happen. its easier that way. i think chronic worrying will strip me from the joy i feel today. so i will choose joy. maybe not everyday. but the desire of my heart is to choose life. and joy. and everything that is real. and i am thankful for days like today because cancer does not seem so bad today. and tonight the three of us are going on a little dinner date. because our life is still good. even with cancer and because of cancer. we are more than okay.