sara and ted left today and i am sad about it. but my friend angie comes tomorrow. our house looks amazing and i am so beyond thankful. justin and i are not really on the same page. we are trying but we are just not quite in sync the way we like to be. i will try harder. i love him.
i am sad today. just tonight. not sure why. a lady came over today and interviewed us from the newspaper here. she was nice and it felt easy and comfortable. its just strange to talk about myself. or talk like our story is special. and i am sitting here not sure what to type with tears in my eyes. i am just sad right now. for a hundred reasons i guess. but i guess this is cancer. or anything crazy that comes into your life and interrupts everything. i want my wbc count to be higher, but i do not want chemo. i mean do because that will kill the cancer inside me, but chemo sucks. and i have eleven more.and that seems daunting to me. its sometimes hard to even find the words for how i am feeling. so i am not going to try. too tired. it all just feels like a lot tonight.
my wig came in today. i am going to cut my hair this week since sara took some family photos with my long hair. my hair is supposed to start coming out after my chemo on thursday. if i have chemo. people tell me they think i will still look pretty when i am bald, but who knows. i do not really care about being pretty, ok that is a lie. i mean that is the nice thing to say, but come on, watching my hair come is going to be traumatic.
its hard because i want to forget. its easier to not deal with cancer. and this weekend helped me to forget i had cancer. but tonight i remembered that i do and that we have a super early dr's appt in the morning and i would rather not go. not like i am scared, but mostly i am sick of going. but i cant really be sick of them yet. we have so many ahead of us. i hope tonight gives you a glimpse into my heart. i know cancer is a part of our story and i trust jesus with it, all of it. but tonight i am just annoyed about cancer and i think that is allowed.