sara and ted left today and i am sad about it. but my friend angie comes tomorrow. our house looks amazing and i am so beyond thankful. justin and i are not really on the same page. we are trying but we are just not quite in sync the way we like to be. i will try harder. i love him.
i am sad today. just tonight. not sure why. a lady came over today and interviewed us from the newspaper here. she was nice and it felt easy and comfortable. its just strange to talk about myself. or talk like our story is special. and i am sitting here not sure what to type with tears in my eyes. i am just sad right now. for a hundred reasons i guess. but i guess this is cancer. or anything crazy that comes into your life and interrupts everything. i want my wbc count to be higher, but i do not want chemo. i mean do because that will kill the cancer inside me, but chemo sucks. and i have eleven more.and that seems daunting to me. its sometimes hard to even find the words for how i am feeling. so i am not going to try. too tired. it all just feels like a lot tonight.
my wig came in today. i am going to cut my hair this week since sara took some family photos with my long hair. my hair is supposed to start coming out after my chemo on thursday. if i have chemo. people tell me they think i will still look pretty when i am bald, but who knows. i do not really care about being pretty, ok that is a lie. i mean that is the nice thing to say, but come on, watching my hair come is going to be traumatic.
its hard because i want to forget. its easier to not deal with cancer. and this weekend helped me to forget i had cancer. but tonight i remembered that i do and that we have a super early dr's appt in the morning and i would rather not go. not like i am scared, but mostly i am sick of going. but i cant really be sick of them yet. we have so many ahead of us. i hope tonight gives you a glimpse into my heart. i know cancer is a part of our story and i trust jesus with it, all of it. but tonight i am just annoyed about cancer and i think that is allowed.
Oh Libby! My heart is heavy for you tonight. You, Justin and Ava will continue to be in my prayers. I will be praying and thinking about you tomorrow while you're enduring your chemo. I'll pray for peace, patience and comfort during that time.
ReplyDeleteLibby, it is OK to feel sad & annoyed or even to cry or scream. Cancer is hard...but Jesus is faithful & He is right beside you...right now. Rest in His strength & continue to trust in Him....His grace is sufficient for one day at a time...one treatment at a time. I love you & we are praying without ceasing for you. Betty & Lee :)
ReplyDeleteJust remember when things are tough, I can do all through Christ who strengthens me. Prayers are coming your way!
ReplyDeleteDear Libby,
ReplyDeleteI was referred to your blog by bluecottonmommy just today. I've read back through some of your first posts and am so moved by the rawness and honesty of your words.
My husband was diagnosed with Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma in Feb. 2007 and this summer he was declared all but cured by his Oncologist. It will be a long, hard journey for you AND Justin, but you will get to the other side. We were told many times, that if you have to get cancer, Lymphoma is the one to get. I'm sure you've heard this too. We were also told that attitude is a determining factor in who beats cancer, and you definitely are winning in this department.
My husband admitted to me after his recovery that there were days he felt like giving up, but it was thinking of our daughter, now 3, that kept him going. I know Ava has been the same blessing for you.
Praying for your continued strength as you continue on your journey.
Being annoyed is totally allowed. And I love that God is so big that he can handle it. And I love that God is so big that he will work miracles in your heart as you continue to be honest with him and yourself, and Justin about how you are really feeling. This week, I have had a million emotions from the extreme of really sad to really amazed and awed by God. And I can't figure any of them out, let alone verbalize them. But I know that God is in the midst of them all and I know that he loves me, even though I don't really get some of the circumstances I've seen this week. I am thankful you share your heart time after time. We know how to pray for you as a result, and Satan can't work in the midst of unspoken words and emotions like he likes to. So keep talking, keep sharing, keep emoting. Our God IS so big. I love him so much, which makes me hurt so much for people going through difficult circumstances. For moments, I become bitter, until I realize that the reason I hurt so much for them (and sometimes me) is because I know the deep, deep love of Jesus and I know that because of that love, I can love. And because of that love, I know that he hurts for us, which is why we can hurt for others. So remember (and I call myself to remember) that when you are hurting, we have a Jesus that hurts and has gone through so much hurt as well and he can truly understand what you are going through...the pain, the frustration, the anger, the joy, the miracles, all of it. Libby, keep writing, and we will keep praying. I don't know you, but I desire to bring you before the throne of God as I pray. And I know what it is like to have so many conflicting emotions. But who cares about me. He knows what it is like to face them. And that's what matters. So most of all,know that He gives you permission to have your ups and downs. I love that you share your heart. Thank you for sharing your heart. Praying for you and Justin today. I don't handle well not being on the same page as my husband (or he with me). It's uncomfortable and it frightens me for some reason. I will pray for you both as you work to join each other, even if it means being on the same page about not being on the same page. Marriage is a crazy awesome thing, I think. God will work through what you two are experiencing. I know you know that. I'm preaching to myself this early morning :)
ReplyDeleteBlessings to you and your family, Libby.
Continuing to pray for you Libby!
ReplyDeleteI have no idea what it is like to have cancer, but I am inspired by reading your blog and all of the comments. I think that it is neat that there are so many people who have beat cancer or a spouse that has that are reading your blog and encouraging you. Just think...one day that will be you encouraging someone else to beat cancer because you have. Libby, you can beat this thing. My family is praying for you every day!!
ReplyDeleteYou are in my thoughts and prayers on a daily basis. Your story has touched me in a way like no other. I appreciate your honesty. I'm sure anyone who has gone through it felt the same way. May God continue to be your strength. *hugs*
ReplyDeleteknow that your life right now is making people love jesus more and appreciate all the small things that really matter in life. thank you for sharing this chapter of your life with us. i pray for you and justin and ava alot. jesus loves you. you will beat this!
ReplyDeleteSometimes the Lord wakes me up in the middle of the night just to pray for you and your family. I can't explain it, but I love it and I love that you have chosen to glorify God in this. Whenever I think of you, I think of this verse:"The Lord will fight for you, you need only to be still"(Exodus 14:14). So I know that it might sound cliche, but just be still and know that your Father is busy attaining victory for you, for Him. It's okay to feel annoyed, tired, frustrated, or weak, because it is at those moments that God can work best. You and your family will forever be in my prayers.
ReplyDeleteLibby, you and your precious family are in my prayers constantly. You are doing so much good through this hard time you are going through. You inspire me every day to be better. xoxo thinking of you daily.
ReplyDeleteI think you show a stunning grace and beauty through your courage and truth. And I think God expects us to be annoyed and frustrated - with big and little things. Praying for you and your family!
ReplyDeleteLibby, just keep surrendering this over to God. He is strong in our weakness & wants us to lean on Him as you are doing! It is a hard battle you have before you, but Christ is victorious...always. Karen
ReplyDeletePS Has Sara taken all of your amazing photos??