to ava

ava has been a little "off" the past few days. that is what justin and i say whenever she is acting even slightly "not perfect." she really is such a joy and an easy little baby and we are so thankful. i keep wondering if she is "off" because our entire life feels a bit "off." although justin reminded me last night, when we went on a date and our dear friend katie watched her that she is a baby and they cry. but still...when katie said, "she cried when you left." i immediately ask, "for how long?" and she says, "ten minutes." what? she has never cried that long in her brief little life. did she know we left? did she feel abandoned? did she miss us? could she sense we were gone? was she scared? did she just want her mommy to put her to bed? now most likely it was none of those things or maybe all of those things. but either way she is a baby and sometimes they cry and are fussy. its normal. but i think i felt this way because i am so sad...deeply sad...like in the depths of my heart sad that there maybe a day or days coming up where i will be too weak and tired to care for her and that hurts worse than any physical pain cancer may try to cause me. i know she is going to be cared for by wonderful people and trust them all completely, but does not matter. its still not going to be me. her mommy. its just another way God is teaching me to give up control of my life. not the easy aspects, but the hard ones. like your child. who really is not mine to begin with. she is a sweet child of God and he has entrusted justin and i to love her and care for her in the best way possible. so we will. we will try our absolute best. i keep telling people, "oh, she is at such a great age for all of this to happen. she is too young to remember, but old enough where her and i have already established a deep bond." okay yeah right. sounds good in theory. not sure if there is a great age for cancer, but again its my way of trusting God with all of it. every detail. that all of this is part of his sweet plan. but i think i am allowed to trust his plan, but maybe not always love it. i think that is okay. so for today i do not love that every other thursday i will miss that day with ava. and then for the next 72 hours after that i will miss a little bit more of ava.

we went to dinner and a movie last night. dinner was good and the movie was not that good. no one died of cancer or anything, it was just a bit slow. but anyways as we walked out of the theater and held hands and got into the car we both said, i'm sad. i think movies are an escape. and for a couple hours we forgot about cancer. but then the movie ends and you remember that i still have cancer and it still sucks. so we both got sad. then we got home and sat on the back porch in the swing and kept being sad. just swinging in our hammock swing being sad. but that happens sometimes. but today is better.