Friday, September 24, 2010

alone.

i used to think i was pretty emotionally stable with this whole thing. but i realized i am not. my mood can change in a second. and i cant seem to control it. i has to be hard to be around me. but i think i can put on a pretty good front sometimes. just trying to hold it together. that's all. its all i can do.

the sweet kessick family just left to return to ohio after a great visit. less than 20 min ago we were all on the porch talking and eating donuts. then they left for the airport and justin went to meet a friend for lunch. and now its just me and my partner upstairs. me typing and sweet ava exploring the family room and her new freedom that comes with crawling. she seriously seeks out a way to get stuck under every piece of furniture we own. its funny. but in the midst of it i feel alone. its so strange. even though i have countless people to call back, hundreds of emails to respond to, literally a constant stream of texts, and so many dear people in chesapeake who want to hang out...i feel alone. its like i am getting so used to being with people that when it stops i get sad. i do not cry that much. not because i am not a crier. i would for sure consider myself a crier. but for some reason the tears have not flowed the way i thought or assumed they would considering our new situation. as i listen to mumford and sons on pandora and the song randomly playing is awake my soul. its meant for me at this moment. they just sang my weakness i feel i must finally show. and now its real. the tears are coming. and i cant stop. i'm just sad. and in ten minutes i may not be sad anymore. but for right now i am sad. or not sad at all just need to cry.

i am sorry. i am sorry i am not available. i am sorry i can not spend time with people when they ask me too. i am trying, but sometimes its just too hard. i feel like i have nothing to give. truly. i am worn out. i do not mean to be. but i know i am. i just need a second that's all. or maybe a week or even a month. i'm not sure yet.

now remember in five minutes i may not feel this way at all. but right now i do. and i want to remember every moment in this journey. all the ranges of emotions that exist in this. i am so thankful she is a little baby and will not remember, but i am dying to share this journey with her when she is older. oh, i pray it touches her deeply. but she is sharing in this journey because i know that i am already a different mom because of this. so that may mean she is going to be different because i am not the same.  the best kind of different that has ever existed. and that is enough for me.  ava is looking at me right now as i sob. i wonder what she is thinking. clearly she does not understand tears, because she is sticking out her tongue at me and laughing. or maybe she totally understands and just wants her mommy to not cry. who knows.

but i know what is true. and what's true is that i am not alone. not even a little bit. and i am thankful for that. just needed to be honest for a minute.

24 comments:

  1. Love you. You're right...definitely not alone. Praying for strength for the moment right now.

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  2. There is no reason for you to feel the need to give of yourself 100% of the time. Your most important priority should be getting healthy and loving that beautiful little girl. Your story inspires me :)

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  3. You are not alone. Praying for you daily and your wonderful family.
    On a different note, I remember you writing about using "sucky" formula. Similac(think thats how you spell it) has a recall. You can check it out on their website: Similac.com\recall in case thats what Miss Ava uses.
    Thank you Libby for this blog and for being so open. You are showing Christ to so many people. What a blessing you and Justin are!

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  4. Libby,
    I met you at the Coates one day when we were switching off babysitting. I keep up with your blog daily. In fact, if a day goes by that you don't post, I miss it.

    Just wanted you to know that I am praying for you.

    Meg

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  5. I LOVE YOU. praying for you continually. You are continually on my mind.

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  6. you can be honest anytime you would like. You are definitely not alone.

    Last night before I fell asleep, I found myself saying a little prayer "for the girl who has baby Ava and has cancer. I think her name is Libby?" It was different for me to include someone in my prayers whom I have never met and only read her blog. Somehow, it felt right. I felt good praying for you and your family. I will continue to do so.

    Thinking of you.
    Melissa from S.C.

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  7. *HUGS* Even those of us who don't "know" you love you. Sweet sweet Ava. Her smiles are God's way of giving you a hug. What joy our babies are.

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  8. Take all the time you need friend. There is no need to say you're sorry.

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  9. Your courage and love for Jesus shines through, even in the sad times.

    Praying in SC...

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  10. It's okay to be sad sometimes, or a lot :) I had many sad days, most often when no one knew -- good for you to share those moments. Take whatever time you need to be alone, to be a mom, to have a little fun -- the e-mails and calls will all be there when you are ready.

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  11. Cancer is familiar in my family. My mother had cancer as well as many other family members.
    Thank you for sharing your story.
    You are an inspiration. You are amazing and you are strong.
    Prayerfully yours,
    Tabitha,
    Saint Joseph Missouri

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  12. I just found your blog literally 30 minutes ago..and I sit here in a pool of tears. Not tears of pity, but tears of another sister in Christ who is praying for you starting tonight and who will continue to.

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  13. Hi, I'm Ashley, fellow blogger and close family friend of Elizabeth Chapman. She posted about you on her blog this week and I jumped right over to hear your story. I too live and grew up in hampton roads, and my husband and I have a 10 month old little boy. Your story of courage and strength amazes me. Being a mom of a little one too I know that deep love you describe for the newest love of your life, isn't it great to see the world through their eyes?! Your family is in my prayers, and your beautiful story I will continue to read, thank you so much for sharing :)

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  14. Libby, you are amazing, I love the sincerity of your heart.... I find myself thinking about you often and praying that God the Most High will give you and your wonderful husband Justin strength to endure.... ( Cancer is so familiar to me and my family) I know that God is able too see you through the good times n the not so good times.... abide in him, hold him to his promises... and remember like Job even though he may slay u, u will trust him.
    In my prayers
    Susan

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  15. Continually praying for you Libby. Thanks for sharing & being honest. Your honesty & life are continually pointing me & others to Jesus - thank you so much for that.

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  16. Your friend across the riverSeptember 25, 2010 at 7:56 AM

    There's no "hurry up" in suffering Libby. I think Spurgeon said something like, "those who dive deep into the sea of suffering bring up rare treasures." I love what I hear and see in your life. No rushing. Truly a rare treasure in this crazy life.

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  17. Oh sweet girl...how we love you! You take all the time you need. We arnen't going anywhere! Our love and support isn't going to wane with time, and our aith in our great God is certainly not going to lessen as we get to the enduring part of this journey. We are ALL running this race with you! We are all fighting with you. Even though we can't completely comprehend all that you are going through, we are doing EVERYTHING we can!
    We are on your side sweetheart and will always be here for you!
    forever,
    Hans

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  18. Awake souls! You were meant to meet your Maker! And He WILL have His way! He will have your stumbling heart, one way or another. He came to earth and died to win it. Most of us will have to wait til that Day to see His face, but you, Libby, are in a privileged place ahead of us on the road to the Cross. There is a cloud of heavenly and earthly witnesses around you, some watching the race, some running with you, all cheering you on.

    Thank you for chronicling a walk that has stirred my sleeping soul this morning. I want to see the Jesus you have fixed your eyes on.

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  19. Thank you for allowing people to journey through this hard experience with you. I know this is meant to remember your emotions and how you felt during this process but this blog does so much more than that. You are glorifying God in more ways than you even know and encouraging so many people, including myself. I don't know you but your blog touches me and opens my eyes to how ungrateful I am at times and how small my love is for the Lord. Thank you so much for being so transparent and bold. I'm praying for you and your family.

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  20. about ava laughing at you...i think they just want us to be happy...cause im crying 2 and drake thinks it's funny...praise God for our little treasures...they are precious and truly gifts to love as we journey this...i feel blessed to have a sister i love so much-when she is weak or strong...even though i can't be by your side each step of the way, what a comfort i hold to knowing that we share a loving Savior, who hears all these prayers...no matter how many miles seperate us...i pray that when the lonely moments come-they go quickly, but when they come, the mad/sad/lonely/confused feelings...just feel...cause that means you are so very alive!!! alive and in Christ!!! luv u...b

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  21. I love you Libby and I so much appreciate you sharing your heart. We are continuing to pray that you feel the Lord holding you throughout this journey.

    And my father wanted me to tell you he prays for you daily. Love you.

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  22. Praying for you, dear cousin.

    Kathy Dykstra

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  23. Ok, I have to respond to this post...I just want to share a little something with you...when I was little my mom was in a very dire situation. She would cry out to the Lord daily in prayer, and ask Him for wisdom and help. (and He delivered, by the way! :-) )But the reason why I'm sharing this is that one of the greatest gifts my mom ever gave me, was allowing me to see her cry out to God. She modeled that for me, and I'm forever grateful. She told me later that one day, she decided that she was not going to cry and she was just going to TALK to God. Well, apparently I walked by her chair where she prayed (and cried) and saw that, and after a bit, I walked back to her and said, "Cry, Mama, Cry." It is a bit of a sweet joke now, and we've reminisced over the years. You are giving a gift to Ava by just being REAL. Crying or not crying...it's all good.

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