i used to think i was pretty emotionally stable with this whole thing. but i realized i am not. my mood can change in a second. and i cant seem to control it. i has to be hard to be around me. but i think i can put on a pretty good front sometimes. just trying to hold it together. that's all. its all i can do.
the sweet kessick family just left to return to ohio after a great visit. less than 20 min ago we were all on the porch talking and eating donuts. then they left for the airport and justin went to meet a friend for lunch. and now its just me and my partner upstairs. me typing and sweet ava exploring the family room and her new freedom that comes with crawling. she seriously seeks out a way to get stuck under every piece of furniture we own. its funny. but in the midst of it i feel alone. its so strange. even though i have countless people to call back, hundreds of emails to respond to, literally a constant stream of texts, and so many dear people in chesapeake who want to hang out...i feel alone. its like i am getting so used to being with people that when it stops i get sad. i do not cry that much. not because i am not a crier. i would for sure consider myself a crier. but for some reason the tears have not flowed the way i thought or assumed they would considering our new situation. as i listen to mumford and sons on pandora and the song randomly playing is awake my soul. its meant for me at this moment. they just sang my weakness i feel i must finally show. and now its real. the tears are coming. and i cant stop. i'm just sad. and in ten minutes i may not be sad anymore. but for right now i am sad. or not sad at all just need to cry.
i am sorry. i am sorry i am not available. i am sorry i can not spend time with people when they ask me too. i am trying, but sometimes its just too hard. i feel like i have nothing to give. truly. i am worn out. i do not mean to be. but i know i am. i just need a second that's all. or maybe a week or even a month. i'm not sure yet.
now remember in five minutes i may not feel this way at all. but right now i do. and i want to remember every moment in this journey. all the ranges of emotions that exist in this. i am so thankful she is a little baby and will not remember, but i am dying to share this journey with her when she is older. oh, i pray it touches her deeply. but she is sharing in this journey because i know that i am already a different mom because of this. so that may mean she is going to be different because i am not the same. the best kind of different that has ever existed. and that is enough for me. ava is looking at me right now as i sob. i wonder what she is thinking. clearly she does not understand tears, because she is sticking out her tongue at me and laughing. or maybe she totally understands and just wants her mommy to not cry. who knows.
but i know what is true. and what's true is that i am not alone. not even a little bit. and i am thankful for that. just needed to be honest for a minute.