i feel like i have been pretty tough so far. not because i feel like i am supposed to or anything, but because nothing so far has felt too unbearable. i mean their are moments when they do, but they do not seem to last. but today when i was getting ready for the photographer from the paper to come take pictures of our family i got real sad and a little angry. and did not feel tough at all. its my hair. its coming out. not in like real large amounts, but enough. enough where my usually thick pony tail is not as thick anymore. so i made an appointment to cut it on wednesday morning at 10am. justin is coming with me. i am thankful he will be there too. i sometimes hate writing when i am sad, but because this blog is mostly for me...a way for me to look back and read and to remember each day i need to write this stuff down. the hard stuff. the stuff where i do not feel strong. and wish, for today that this was not a part in my story. so usually i would say, well this is my story and i trust God with it. but instead i think this: i do trust God with it. every part. but tonight i am not real strong and i can not muster the energy to be tough. so i wont. i will be sad. because that is allowed. i will wish my hair did not have to come out, because even though people who love me are real nice and tell me i will be beautiful when i am bald and justin keeps saying how excited he is to see with no hair. i hate it. thanks for being nice though. but i like my long hair. so i would prefer for it to stay right where it is. on my little head. but ava does pull my hair a lot so i guess i will not have to deal with that anymore. see i am still positive.
i keep falling in love with ava. its easy. i loved tonight when i was rocking her and i got real sad, and she looked at me like she knew. like she knew something big was going on in her little life, but that we were all going to be ok. more than ok. and to think she may not have one single memory of when her mommy was sick. i know ava is my daughter for lots of reasons, but one for sure is that she is strong like me. and that makes me proud. i want to raise a daughter who is both strong and sensitive. a little girl who feels deeply and loves deeply. although she is energetic and restless during the day...there is nothing more special than when she settles down in my arms, drinks her bottle, i sing, we pray (i talk, but she listens, so its a we), and i give her one last kiss for the night. wow makes my heartache just thinking about her. i had no idea my little girl could touch my soul the way she does. such a gift in the midst of this.