i said to justin last night that sometimes i forget that we have only just begun. this journey seems like forever but really has just started. eleven more chemo treatments to go. at least. although each treatment brings us closer to me being cancer-free it still is hard. every other thursday will be hard. i thought i would feel better about tomorrow since i have already had one chemo treatment. but i don't. i actually am dreading it more. maybe because i know what is most likely coming. or that it might be worse than before. not the chemo part. that is easy. but the post chemo part. so i guess we will just wait and see. i think at the end of the day. the end of a long day i just get tired. tired physically. tired emotionally. wow am i tired emotionally. and just tired of having cancer sometimes.
people tell me i am allowed to be weak or that i need to stop trying to be so strong. well i think a few things about that. i know i can be weak. and i am not trying to be strong, jesus is making me strong. i am not strong enough for this. for any of this. i don't think anyone is. and when i feel weak i will tell people. when i feel scared i will tell people. and when i am mad i will tell people too. i will also tell people when i am happy and excited that this is my life. i said to justin when we were eating dinner last night that i am really happy. not about cancer really, but in a way everything is about my cancer. because of cancer i love jesus more. i love justin more. i love ava more. life looks different to me. and i know that it would not look the same way had i not gotten cancer. i feel like i am looking at life through a different lens. like a special lens. a i have cancer lens and that should make me angry and bitter and maybe at some point in all this i will. but not yet. not today. i believe that god knows whats best for me this is what we got.
its so strange how when i sit down to type this, it all just comes out. like i do not even mean for it too.
side note. i love our new home. it has changed us. in the best way a home can. i love that ava's first memories will be of the river house and that brings me such joy. there is something calming about living on the water. we are so grateful for this place. its only been a few weeks, but it feels like another life to me. we have already made so many sweet memories here. and with a back porch like one this place has, its inevitable that there are many more to be made.