it is a gorgeous day. justin spent most of the day laying in his hammock right on the river. totally peaceful. our good friend aimee is here with her one year old, charis. we want ava and charis to be friends, but its too soon to tell. we sat on the porch while the girls slept and drank iced mochas. i never really thought much about my dunkin donut habit, but today i think i figured it out. pre-cancer getting coffee was kind of a special treat for me. but now its nearly a daily special treat for me and i think it brings a little joy. not like real deep joy, that would be strange. but the basic...i like that drink so i will go to the drive thru and order it. its something real small, but i look forward to it.
i have been feeling so much better this time around. my mouth has been bothering me a little bit, but not nearly as bad as before. for sure tired though. its amazing how exhausted i am. but overall much better. with friends coming and going there is a lot of cancer talk. and its good. its good to process it and hear how other people are handling my cancer and how they are dealing with it. its gives me insight. its nice to see friends i have not seen in a while. cancer has brought the people we love together. and i am so thankful. its interesting how "crisis" does that. its very refreshing to spend time with people i love in the midst of this.
since chemo on thursday i have been thinking about what it will be like when i get my last chemo treatment. i bet it has to be a mix of emotions. thankful to be done. of course. but i wonder if its hard to enter back into "real life" once you are not "sick" with cancer anymore and everyone sorta moves on. and expects you to also move on. then i remembered that cancer will forever be a part of our story. i will complete my chemo treatments in feburary or so and then head into remission and then become a story of survival...but i wonder what that feels like? i wonder what that process will look like for me? and for justin? together and separate. because in one moment everything changed, but does that means things go back to "normal" once this is over? clearly i do not know yet and it really does not even matter yet, but i definitely have begun thinking already about post-cancer life. it keeps me hopeful. but i pray that a few things will never be the same...my love for jesus, our marriage, and how we view life at this very moment. i never want to lose that.