Sunday, October 3, 2010

bracelets and shots

i got my second injection today. it was real sad. not sure why. that chemo room in just a sad place. it seemed abnormally sad today. maybe because it was rainy. or because no one should have to get chemotherapy on sunday. but when i walked into the office it was just depressing. so i just sat in a chemo chair waiting for the nurse to get to my name. there was a long list of other cancer patients who were waiting for shots or to get chemo. i struggled to keep the tears inside. i sent a text to justin that said...i am losing my gusto to fight. i just think its been a tough day. the injections are not comfortable and physically i am in pain. as i was driving home from the dr i made five phone calls to family and no one picked up the phone. at first i was annoyed a little, but then it became super clear to me. i was supposed to pray and spend some time with jesus. i need the lord in a real way today, because today has simply been too much for me. too hard. too sad. i have been thinking all day how much i wish i did not have cancer. and how i am sad because this is only the beginning. nine more treatments to go and that seems like an awful lot to me. i think this has been the first day in a while where its been more then just being sad...its more of a overwhelming feeling. like this pain, this fatigue, this aching, this extreme exhaustion is more than i can bare. without jesus i cant do it. so i think today was necessary. yesterday i went shopping with justin's mom and aunt and got some new clothes. which was nice. and although i am more than grateful its crazy how no matter what you buy or do...cancer still exists. so i get it. i get what its like to feel helpless. because i feel it everyday.  but instead of wallowing in that...although i did wallow for a little bit today...its just hard. all of it. and the time i spent in the car driving home...praying...with lots of tears...was very sweet. i did not feel so alone anymore. please keep praying. pray i will not need one more injection. and pray that ava will stop waking up at 5am talking, but instead choose to sleep. so we can both sleep. today i am just tired. we are tired. but we are in this together and justin and i continue to talk through how we are feeling and how we are doing with this whole thing and he keeps pointing me to christ. thank goodness we are not alone in this...

on a good note. team libby bracelets are now available on ebay. thank for joining us on this journey.

16 comments:

  1. just prayed and will continue to pray. love you all so much and will just keep praying so hard that treatments stay on schedule and wbc stays up and spirits stay even higher. if you can think of anything to make you smile...say it! we'll do it! you are loved...SO freaking much. sleep well and call me if you're up in the morning. I'll be taking Isabella (who is the star student this week) to school at 830a. gnight.

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  2. or...you could always call me tonight if you're up. i'll be up late. we could even skype.

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  3. Praying for you. You will beat this. I just know it. Loving you and your family from Kentucky.

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  4. sorry we haven't talked yet today...i miss you...i am sorry you were sad today...but glad that you turned to Jesus...i will say a prayer that ava has sweet dreams tonight that last past 5 am...love u!

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  5. Hang in there Libby! We are all thinking of you and praying for you. And the kids can't wait to get their bracelets. Keep your chin up and keep fighting. We love you!

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  6. libby, tissues help when you are sad.
    MK

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  7. I was reading your post and all I could think of was the song "In the Garden". It tells how you come to the garden alone and yet He walks with you and talks with you and He tells you that you are His own! Just keep thinking of the joy you will share nine months from now! Hang in there Libby - you are not alone!

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  8. a ton of love and prayers to you tonight. i will pray that you won't need the injections, but also that you will just be carried though each day with strength that only Jesus provides...and that His nearness will be so comforting to you. your time in the car on the way home reminded me of the part in piper's article about cherishing jesus. sounds like one of those times. just take on today. hopefully, you're already off to bed. sleep well sweet friend, cancer fighter, amazing mom....we love you.

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  9. I am continually praying for you Libby. I am sorry today was a tough day. The Thursdays that you have your chemo, I wake up and tell my husband "Libby has her chemo today. Pray for her." I'm in tears as I write this. I know I haven't met you but you are Becky's sister, and a young mom like me. I just want you to know what an inspiration you are to me- to love Christ, my husband, and baby more and better.

    Laura Flikkema

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  10. I have been thinking about you all weekend and axiously awaiting your post. I'm sorry today was a rough day. You can't lose your gusto to fight though. Ava and Justin need you and you are strong! We all need you! If you have the opportunity, please list to the song, In Christ Alone. The first verse is just for you, Libby. In Christ alone my hope is found
    He is my light, my strength, my song
    This Cornerstone, this solid ground
    Firm through the fiercest drought and storm.

    I ordered bracelets for me and my family today. Can't wait to get them. Take care of yourself and know that you are in my thoughts and prayers always. Hugs to you!
    Barbara

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  11. I'll be up at 4:30am...even before Ava ...to catch the wonderful plane that will take me to you. I hope I can sleep. I will do whatever I can to ease your heavy load. Ava & I are planning on learning camp songs & lessons start whenever she gets up so you'll have to find something else to do each morning...ok? Hope that makes you smile??? I love you three.

    Mom/Oma

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  12. By the way...if u live in Lynden & want to buy a TEAM LIBBY bracelet...we have a few...talk to Tim or connect w/ me & l'll set one aside.

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  13. as a mom, i feel your pain with having your little one waking up early every morning...my son is 11 months old, and it use to drive me crazy because he would wake me up at 5am EVERY DAY! (and he's never slept through the night ever!) but then I realized that maybe the Lord wanted Samuel up that early to just spend some one on one quality time with me...before the day starts, the phone rings, the text messages start, the chores need to begin, etc...now that I view it as my one on one time with Samuel, i actually look forward to 5am and our special time...he then goes back down for a nap around 8, and i cherish that time too :0)

    hang in there!!!

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  14. Libby, I found your blog on accident tonight while working night shift in the NICU, I couldn't stop reading. You are an amazing servant of Christ! I will pray for you, and Justin and Ava daily. I am sorry that you have to go through all of this, your posts are eye opening. I have 2 friends beginning their battles with cancer right now, and to read how you are feeling....thank you.... You are impacting so many people all over the world!!! Praise to His name! Praying for pain-free days and praying that little Miss Ava starts sleeping in again. Bless you!!!

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  15. Libby,
    Words can hardly express the sorrow we have that you have to go through this, but also the joy we have that you have Christ to help you and Justin make it through this battle. Thank you for sharing your deepest feelings and inspiring our walk with Christ. Keep up the good fight! We are praying for you to be strong and to win in all ways possible.
    God's blessing to all of you.
    Sandy

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  16. I remember the first time I met you...dinner at Brios. The dinner was great, and Justin was so excited. It seems like a long time ago...but it was great to finally meet the person I had heard so much about. My first impression of you was that you were quiet but strong, a gentle person with an inner strength that defined you...a person of faith...and that combination of strength and faith made you who you are. Your journey now, and how you are using this to help others...shows the strength that you have...as well as the faith. It is OK to be sad...and it is OK to be tired. I am sure that you have noticed that you always have the strength you need...just when you need it...sometimes not before you need it, but just when you do. After reading this post last night I too was sad as well as angry. I hate it that you have cancer, and anger is sometimes my emotion now...right or wrong I have it...that is just me. It is so hard to see you and Justin have to deal with this, but I am very proud of the example you both are to others now as well as before. I will pray for a good WBC count, and will continue to pray for your strength as well as Justins'. Libby, this is not just a beginning... you are 1/4 through your chemo, and after 1 more treatment you will be through 1/3. We are all counting with you! On sad days think of litta A...beautiful overlooks...delayed flights...and roses on the sidewalk...(another had to be there or hear about it thing) Thank you for sharing...thank you for your strength...which I recognized right away...and thank you for loving my son.
    Fruits...veggies...green tea...help WBC

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