Saturday, October 23, 2010
its always interesting to see how people respond to a particular post. i did not mean for the last post to be so sad. but it was a sad day so i wanted to remember that for later on. i sometimes sit down to write and i am not sure where it all comes from. but its inside me so i write it down. i continue to be so amazed as i receive emails and facebook messages from people after they read the blog or a certain entry. i often think...what is the big deal? not to undermine what is going on, but because its just our life and i sometimes do not understand why people care so much. but wow i am thankful they do. often speechless. particularly strangers who take the time to read this blog. in its entirety. in one sitting. i had a women in sweden email me this morning after she had spent nearly 3 plus hours reading the blog. 3 hours. who does that? wonderful people do that. and then people email me and share parts they loved and how they love jesus more now and how they are praying for me and justin and little ava. i get so overwhelmed with emotion. like when you feel something is in your throat. choked up i guess. but i do. and i cry. sometimes i weep. but sometimes its just one or two simple tears down my cheek. but really its overwhelming. the out pour of love and support. last week i thought for the first time in a while...i do not have anything more to say. i think i may stop blogging. the emails had slowed down and so had the mail. which is normal. i expected that. well actually there was one day this past week that for the first since i had gotten sick there was no mail for me (minus one medical bill). so in my denial i left the mail in the mailbox. strange huh. i guess i realized for the first time really how much it means to me to that people write us and care for us. not in a selfish way. but i began to see how much i draw on others to find my strengthn. i do not think that is all the way wrong. but a little. i think the lord is doing huge things in my life, justin's, our families, and our friends. which is increidble. but i do not want to depend on people. i want to depend only on christ. my dear friend britt sent me a link to a sermon from her church about 10 days ago and i finally found the time this morning to listen. it was about God's love. how vast it is. long. deep. wide. its more than we will ever know or understand. and in many ways its so simple. we know God loves us. i have been told that my whole life. but i am beginning to understand his love in a deeper way. you have to when you suffer. and when life looks different than you thought. and you have cancer. and you honestly never in your life even thought about getting cancer. not once. other people get cancer. but now its in our story. and right now it is our story. not all of it, as i am not defined by cancer. maybe cancer will forever be our story or maybe its just for now. but the gift in all this is that because of cancer i see christ different. i experience him differently. i respond to him differently. i love him differently. his love has always been the same for me. i just did not realize the depth of it. until now. so because today is a good day. that started off with ava sleeping in until 7:30am, a dear young life girl coming over whose heart is different since i last saw her in july, and eating dunkin donuts (i am not actually eating donuts, its just the name of the establishment, as i am getting lots of emails about my nutrition needs) for breakfast...because not everyday will be as hard as wednesday was...i am beginning to feel and experience this deep love that only jesus can offer. his love has always been the same, but because i am not the same i can see him in a new way. and i will cling to this truth not only on the good days but the real bad days too. so thank you for taking the time to read our story. and pray for us. and cry for us. and write me an email. or a letter. i am honestly not sure what to write because everything i try and type sounds stupid. so i will just end it now and ava just woke crying a little.