ava update. allergic to eggs and peanuts. yup our sweet little ava is "that" girl. that girl who can't have eggs. eggs are in lots of things by the way. no fancy egg sandwiches that her daddy makes or baked goods or reese's peanut butter cups. my favorite. i actually love anything with peanut butter. apples, chocolate, bananas, celery. anything. so sad for ava. we do not know many details. but we are meeting with an allergist next week. for now we are just real careful. we have an epi pen junior just in case.
yesterday was awful. it started good though. i got with ava and for first time since chemo i actually was able to play with her. like really crawl around and play. it was nice. justin had taken the morning off so i made breakfast and we hung out when ava went down for her morning nap. oh, the yl banquet went so great. it really was a success. and nice to see people. because of my pet scan at 4:45 i could not eat anything past 9:45am. which was hard. so because i could not eat anything besides breakfast, i got a horrible headache and was nauseous all day. on the way to the scan i got worst. i closed my eyes the whole way. when we got there i immediately ran to the bathroom to throw-up. just the thought of anything to do with cancer makes me literally sick. we got my pet scan done at a different place than before so justin could not come with me. they took me to this mobile pet scan. it literally is a trailer that moves to different places. it was weird. but nice i guess. so i sat in a chair with an iv with some radioactive stuff and waited. it was just sad. not like oh i am sad...but like this...this cancer...is so hard and i do not want to do it anymore. i sat in this chair with warm blankets all over me because the trailer was cold and waited for my iv bag to empty. when it was my turn i laid down and they put my body into this machine that was like a donut. it was not that bad. i feel asleep. or at least drifted. and music played. so that was nice. got done and met justin in the waiting room. then procesed to throw-up in the parking lot. glad i held it together for the scan. when i was done i cried. cried to justin because this is too hard. and i do not want to do it anymore. i hate it all. i hate cancer. i hate being sick and having no energy. i hate that i have 8 more chemo treatments. and the thought of that literally makes my stomach turn. and as soon as they put the iv in me for chemo and for the scan they put saline in first. and you can taste it a little bit. just typing that makes me sick. i said to justin in the car...how do people fight cancer for years? i don't think i could do that...he said, libby do not say that. now of course i do not really mean that i would not fight it, but i would rather not. i just want everyone to know that cancer is extremely hard. and that if you know someone who has it...love them and love them well. they need it. and for those of you maybe reading who have been battling cancer for years. thank you. thanks for fighting. because i am sure there are days when it does not seem worth it. one more dr appt. one more chemo. one for scan. one more shot. it just gets daunting. even "good" days are still not normal. i honestly i am not sure what that is. not be dramatic or anything, but because these drugs are inside you trying to kill the cancer you never really feel great. you just are thankful for days where you do not feel bad. so i cry and justin drives. we pull into arby's because i love it. random i know, but so good. i was starving. so i hate. but everything tasted bad. the bread. the cheese. the tomato. i knew i had not made the best choice. but i made it our driveway and then threw-up. got inside and threw up some more. pulled it together and put my sweet ava to bed. we had gotten home early so i was excited that i could put her to bed instead our dear friend gaye who was watching her. i love putting her to bed. so i did it. then i got into my pajamas and threw-up on and off for the next couple hours. ate a few saltines and drank some water and went to bed. last night was the hardest night i have had yet. i guess my body does not respond well to pet scans.
justin took the day off. he got up with ava so i could sleep. and i did sleep. it was nice. after she got up we went to our favorite breakfast place, the broken egg. i like being with my family. ava was a dream. and we got to talk. ran a few errands. now home for ava and my afternoon nap. we are okay. we are making it. justin i think is doing well. i am not doing so well. just run down. its all just a lot. a lot to handle. but we are dealing. because we have to. but in the midst of it all i get angry sometimes, and sad sometimes, and wish it were not happening. but not angry at jesus. he is my only hope. we pray because we believe he can and will take the cancer away. and the nausea away. and the fatigue away. so we will keep praying. and maybe you will too. so thank you.