Thursday, October 21, 2010

pet scan. also eggs and peanuts.

ava update. allergic to eggs and peanuts. yup our sweet little ava is "that" girl. that girl who can't have eggs. eggs are in lots of things by the way. no fancy egg sandwiches that her daddy makes or baked goods or reese's peanut butter cups. my favorite. i actually love anything with peanut butter. apples, chocolate, bananas, celery. anything. so sad for ava. we do not know many details. but we are meeting with an allergist next week. for now we are just real careful. we have an epi pen junior just in case.

yesterday was awful. it started good though. i got with ava and for first time since chemo i actually was able to play with her. like really crawl around and play. it was nice. justin had taken the morning off so i made breakfast and we hung out when ava went down for her morning nap. oh, the yl banquet went so great. it really was a success. and nice to see people. because of my pet scan at 4:45 i could not eat anything past 9:45am. which was hard. so because i could not eat anything besides breakfast, i got a horrible headache and was nauseous all day. on the way to the scan i got worst. i closed my eyes the whole way. when we got there i immediately ran to the bathroom to throw-up. just the thought of anything to do with cancer makes me literally sick. we got my pet scan done at a different place than before so justin could not come with me. they took me to this mobile pet scan. it literally is a trailer that moves to different places. it was weird. but nice i guess. so i sat in a chair with an iv with some radioactive stuff and waited. it was just sad. not like oh i am sad...but like this...this cancer...is so hard and i do not want to do it anymore. i sat in this chair with warm blankets all over me because the trailer was cold and waited for my iv bag to empty. when it was my turn i laid down and they put my body into this machine that was like a donut. it was not that bad. i feel asleep. or at least drifted. and music played. so that was nice. got done and met justin in the waiting room. then procesed to throw-up in the parking lot. glad i held it together for the scan. when i was done i cried. cried to justin because this is too hard. and i do not want to do it anymore. i hate it all. i hate cancer. i hate being sick and having no energy. i hate that i have 8 more chemo treatments. and the thought of that literally makes my stomach turn. and as soon as they put the iv in me for chemo and for the scan they put saline in first. and you can taste it a little bit. just typing that makes me sick. i said to justin in the car...how do people fight cancer for years? i don't think i could do that...he said, libby do not say that. now of course i do not really mean that i would not fight it, but i would rather not. i just want everyone to know that cancer is extremely hard. and that if you know someone who has it...love them and love them well. they need it. and for those of you maybe reading who have been battling cancer for years. thank you. thanks for fighting. because i am sure there are days when it does not seem worth it. one more dr appt. one more chemo. one for scan. one more shot. it just gets daunting. even "good" days are still not normal. i honestly i am not sure what that is. not be dramatic or anything, but because these drugs are inside you trying to kill the cancer you never really feel great. you just are thankful for days where you do not feel bad. so i cry and justin drives. we pull into arby's because i love it. random i know, but so good. i was starving. so i hate. but everything tasted bad. the bread. the cheese. the tomato. i knew i had not made the best choice. but i made it our driveway and then threw-up. got inside and threw up some more. pulled it together and put my sweet ava to bed. we had gotten home early so i was excited that i could put her to bed instead our dear friend gaye who was watching her. i love putting her to bed. so i did it. then i got into my pajamas and threw-up on and off for the next couple hours. ate a few saltines and drank some water and went to bed. last night was the hardest night i have had yet. i guess my body does not respond well to pet scans.

justin took the day off. he got up with ava so i could sleep. and i did sleep. it was nice. after she got up we went to our favorite breakfast place, the broken egg. i like being with my family. ava was a dream. and we got to talk. ran a few errands. now home for ava and my afternoon nap. we are okay. we are making it. justin i think is doing well. i am not doing so well. just run down. its all just a lot. a lot to handle. but we are dealing. because we have to. but in the midst of it all i get angry sometimes, and sad sometimes, and wish it were not happening. but not angry at jesus. he is my only hope. we pray because we believe he can and will take the cancer away. and the nausea away. and the fatigue away. so we will keep praying. and maybe you will too. so thank you.

27 comments:

  1. Praying so hard for you today...and my prayer is that the good always outweighs the bad. That every single day you find more to fight for and more strength within to fight. Also praying that we, as your lucky family members, can lift you up as best we can. Praying that our love will be a light.
    Love you so much. Know that I'm here.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I know the feeling about the food allergy and baby ava. I work at an allergist and see kids and children like this everyday. It's alot harder on the parents than the kids. Here is a good website to go to http://www.foodallergy.org/ we use alot for our patients.

    If you have any other questions, you can always email me at dreamerklc@gmail.com!
    Good luck with Baby Ava, and as always I'm praying for you and Justin!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Praying for the side effects of Chemo to leave you in the Name of Jesus! I pray you can eat and can keep up good nutrition which will help the Chemo do its job.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Libby, I am praying for you hard today. Thank you for being so honest and showing us exactly how to pray for you. Your faith is so unique and such an encouragement to so many. I hope that all those that are near you can encourage you and help you through this time.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Psalm 3:3-6
    "But You, O Lord, are a shield for me, My glory and the One who lifts up my head. I cried to the LOord with my voice, and He heard me from His holy hill! I lay down and slept; I awoke, for the Lord sustained me..."

    He has, is, and ALWAYS will continue to sustain you darling girl...
    Love you with all my heart. Always praying.

    Kisses for my dollie! Auntie Hannah misses her! :)

    ReplyDelete
  6. Oh Libby, I'm so sorry that you had such a rough day. I'm praying that tomorrow will be a much better day for you. I was so glad to see you Tuesday night and know that you were well enough to be at the banquet. Sweet, precious Ava...maybe you'll outgrow these allergies. Libby, please call or text if I can help. I'll keep praying. Love you.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Praying for you and hoping for good days ahead!

    ReplyDelete
  8. I have a daughter with nut allergies and while I know the original diagnosis is terrifying knowledge is power and this is not as scary as you think. Prayers and God be with you on your journey through cancer and learning about allergies.

    ReplyDelete
  9. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Libby,

    You don't know me but I have been praying for you daily. I have a little girl whom I love more than anything and a husband is who currently deployed. You are an inspiration. I can't imagine how hard this must be for you but know that you are being held in God's merciful arms, he is holding you so tight and will never let go…no matter how hard this fight with cancer is! You can do it!

    Psalm 40:1-3:

    "I waited patiently for the Lord; he inclined and heard my cry. He drew me up from the pit of destruction, out of the miry bog, and set my feet upon a rock, making my step secure. He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God. Many will see and fear, and put their trust in the Lord".

    Praying that the Lord gives you a "new song" each morning -- a fresh breath of your life (full of husbands, little girls, and anything else that you love).

    ReplyDelete
  11. "Fear not, for I have redeemed you, I have called you by name; You are Mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow you.
    When you walk through the fire you shall not be burned. Nor shall the flame scorch you. For I am the Lord your God, The Holy one of Israel, your Savior." Isaiah 43:1-3

    Praying for the Lord to give you His strength for each new day! This cancer walk is SO VERY HARD but it is not hard for Him. He will lift you up, He will sustain you. May His blessings and love surround you and your family.
    In His Awesome love in Va

    ReplyDelete
  12. Praying for strength, energy, love, healing, and comfort for you. I read your blog daily and I feel like I have gotten to know you personally through your journey. I think about you throughout the day...when I hear an inspirational song or when I am just reading encouraging scripts from the Lord.
    these hard days are just part of your amazing testimony to share your love for our amazing God to others down the road.
    Know that there are so many people behind you...cheering for you...PRAYING for you. We see how strong you are and know that you can fight this. God is FOR you. Keep fighting sweet girl.

    Music always cheers me up... I pray that this song will...

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xboucW89gUU

    ReplyDelete
  13. Sweet Libby-

    I have been where you are...I have felt what you have felt. My heart is just breaking for you tonight. I hope you know that there are people all over the world who love you and are praying for you!! On the days you don't know what to say, or don't know how to pray...or on the days you hate that you have cancer....just remember that God knows your heart. And I wanted you to know that your feelings, your emotions...they are normal. BUT also remember that God will see you through this! He is the GREAT PHYSICIAN and He will not put on you more than you can handle. Know that "The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you!"

    Praying for you tonight dear sweet Libby. I am praying that you are able to get some rest and for you to feel better!

    As a 23 year old who has beat cancer twice please feel free to email me any time!! I don't always have the right words, but I have been where you are and I would love to try to encourage you in any way I can!

    Lots of love and prayers from GA!!!!!

    "And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me."
    2 Corinthians 12:9

    ReplyDelete
  14. Even our worst days don't compare to what you are going through Libby. So sorry you are feeling so lousy. Just know we are still praying continually for you and Justin and Ava. Thanks for being so honest with us in your blog and allowing us to see your heart. You are a very special family of three.

    ReplyDelete
  15. I will keep praying for you.
    Carley

    ReplyDelete
  16. Libby...thinking of you, Jus and Ava. I hope you have a much better day today. Enjoy some sunshine. Praying...

    ReplyDelete
  17. I am still praying for you Lib and have been praying for the PET scan results next week. The Lord is good and I know he has not stopped watching over you. Love you.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Libby We are praying for you guys! We love you so much!!! <3 You're such an amazing mother, Ava is a lucky little girl!
    Phillipians 4:13 " I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me."
    Love Meg and Amanda!!

    ReplyDelete
  19. Gosh I KNOW that "taste" in your mouth when they flush your port or insert the IV. The thought brings back yucky memories. BUT a tip I was told of to get rid of THAT taste in your mouth was to eat Sour Patch Kids when they are flushing or starting your chemo (and during any more PET or CT Scans). Made it so much easier for me!
    Remember...you WILL get through this...stay strong for that lil girl! It'll be March 2011 before you know it and you'll be ALL done, laughing as your head comes out of the "chemo-cloud".

    ReplyDelete
  20. Libby,
    My daughter is very active in Young Life at Furman in Greenville, SC. Her roommate is battling a rare kidney cancer at the unreal age of 20. As you may know, Perrin is following your blog and finding companionship and strength in your vulnerable sharing of the mighty struggle you two have in common. She sent us a link to your blog Wednesday, which I finished at 3 this morning. Thank you for the comfort you provide to our precious friend, who sees in you a woman of faith who, like her, is living that faith in a way few of us understand. Know that I consider it a great privilege to join the throng of those who know you personally and those who do not, but who are persistently lifting you up to our Great Healer!

    dorenda white

    ReplyDelete
  21. Libby,

    I've been following your blog. I'm on YL Staff in the northwest. Praying for you!!! Although you don't know me, you are a sister in Christ and a mom like me. Thank you for being real!!!!! Your journey is a testamony of God's faithfulness even when it sucks. He is with you, Justin and Ava!!!! Lord I pray now that Libby will cling to you like nothing before and know your LOVE!!! I pray for her and Justin's marriage as well. That they know when to cry and when to encourage each other and take that next step. How bless Ava is to have them as parents. Lord - I give them to you!!! AMEN!

    ReplyDelete
  22. libby- i am praying for you sweet child of God. much love, amy

    ReplyDelete
  23. i loved talking to you today...weird how this was a yucky sick week and pet scan made it worse...but that when we talked today it felt like the most real/normal conversation we'd had in a while...nice to just talk as sisters about life stuff and not cancer stuff...i really want to hate chemo, because it makes you feel awful, but i need to love it, cause it's the only way i get to have my little sister in my life for YEARS & YEARS!! and not having you in my life is not an option!! enjoy wearing flip flops today, as we bundle up...xoxo...becky

    ReplyDelete
  24. a friend turned me onto your blog. i have not read the whole thing. but, i read this post. and my heart went out to you. i fought, and beat, hodgkins about 9 years ago. it was a hard hard time. but, i just wanted to write and tell you there IS a light at the end of your tunnel. while you will never be the same again in terms of innocence, you will return to normal physically. and you will be better for this fight emotionally. that really makes no sense, i'm sure. but, i'll just tell you this: in many ways, cancer saved my life. be encouraged libby.

    ReplyDelete
  25. Libby (Langeland) EppingaOctober 22, 2010 at 6:54 PM

    Hey Lib, keep fighting girl. Find a place to go or a thought to think everytime it is bad. My go to is "it has to get worse to get better"...maybe something like that. Or the story of David and Goliath and you are David fighting something WAY bigger than you and think about what would make you David to cancer!
    You're so great, Lib.

    ReplyDelete
  26. Hi, Libby. I'm just now catching up on your blog....I've been a little behind in my following. I'm so sorry about little Ava's food allergies, but never fear, friend. Our daughter Lilli was also dx with egg and peanut allergies. Within a year she grew out of the egg. On a scale of 1 to 6, hers was a 4+! We were overjoyed when she came out of it. Her peanut allergy, however, grew worse and is now a 5+ and is airborne. I know it seems hopeless in the beginning, but you'll learn ALL of the ropes of label reading and you'll be on top of this allergy like nobody's business. Lilli has been exposed several times, but praise the Lord, we've NEVER had to use that Epi-Pen! That's a miracle in itself! It'll all come so naturally after a few months and will eventually be second nature. If you ever have any questions about food allergies, please feel free to ask. I'm here, as I'm sure you've heard several thousand times before! LOL! I left you a post a while back, but I can't remember where it was....it was around August or so when I left it. Anyway, I just wanted you to know that you're still in my prayers. Keep the faith, girl. God is doing AMAZING things through you! ;) Jeremiah 29:11

    ReplyDelete

i read every comment. so please leave one. i love it.