bracelets and shots

i got my second injection today. it was real sad. not sure why. that chemo room in just a sad place. it seemed abnormally sad today. maybe because it was rainy. or because no one should have to get chemotherapy on sunday. but when i walked into the office it was just depressing. so i just sat in a chemo chair waiting for the nurse to get to my name. there was a long list of other cancer patients who were waiting for shots or to get chemo. i struggled to keep the tears inside. i sent a text to justin that said...i am losing my gusto to fight. i just think its been a tough day. the injections are not comfortable and physically i am in pain. as i was driving home from the dr i made five phone calls to family and no one picked up the phone. at first i was annoyed a little, but then it became super clear to me. i was supposed to pray and spend some time with jesus. i need the lord in a real way today, because today has simply been too much for me. too hard. too sad. i have been thinking all day how much i wish i did not have cancer. and how i am sad because this is only the beginning. nine more treatments to go and that seems like an awful lot to me. i think this has been the first day in a while where its been more then just being sad...its more of a overwhelming feeling. like this pain, this fatigue, this aching, this extreme exhaustion is more than i can bare. without jesus i cant do it. so i think today was necessary. yesterday i went shopping with justin's mom and aunt and got some new clothes. which was nice. and although i am more than grateful its crazy how no matter what you buy or do...cancer still exists. so i get it. i get what its like to feel helpless. because i feel it everyday.  but instead of wallowing in that...although i did wallow for a little bit today...its just hard. all of it. and the time i spent in the car driving home...praying...with lots of tears...was very sweet. i did not feel so alone anymore. please keep praying. pray i will not need one more injection. and pray that ava will stop waking up at 5am talking, but instead choose to sleep. so we can both sleep. today i am just tired. we are tired. but we are in this together and justin and i continue to talk through how we are feeling and how we are doing with this whole thing and he keeps pointing me to christ. thank goodness we are not alone in this...

on a good note. team libby bracelets are now available on ebay. thank for joining us on this journey.