post chemo 3

i am home alone sitting in our bed. its a nice break. justin's mom, aunt, and uncle are here and they all just headed to the mall for a little shopping and took little ava. so now its just me and i like that. whenever we have guests here i have such a hard time resting because i hate being left out of anything. i always wonder what i am missing when i am in bed "sleeping." but today is ok. i am very nauseous. i was able to eat breakfast but my stomach hurts. i am exhausted. no mouth sores yet. but i think i am having heartburn or something because my chest hurts. like i cant completely swallow. so that's a new one. but other than that no new chemo side effects. thankful yesterday the road to our house was not flooded and when our babysitter text me that our power was out...which i hate, it only ended up being out for an hour or two. man its the little things. i sure do like electricity.

yesterday was the worst chemo day we have had. not only was it pouring rain so everything seemed dreary, but after i got my blood work done my nurse came out and told me my wbc was back down to 520. it had been 1100 on tuesday and within that time had dropped again. she just wanted to mention it in case my dr decided to not treat me today, just so i could emotionally prepare for that. but when we saw the dr he did decide to treat me, but did tell us that i would begin getting injections to help my wbc count go up. so i will go in on saturday, sunday, monday, and tuesday for these injections. he said they are quick and not painful. but they can cause aches and pain. i am sad about this. i was really beginning to enjoy not having to go to so many dr appointments anymore. i will then go in on tuesday the 12th for more blood work and then see my dr to assess my count and decide if i need injections that day and on wednesday before my chemo number four on the fourteenth of october.

yesterday was hard. it just reminded me that every time i see the dr could result in something new. its just not easy. nothing about treating cancer is easy. and that is just hard to handle. even my kind dr who i respect so much expressed his own worry and concern about having to do these injections, but he just said that we can not keep pushing back treatments. he said if my wbc was randomly low that then it would be alright to push back treatment, but he said not when its almost every time we need to treat you. then he said something that was sad and hard and scary. not sure why it scared me, but it did. he just said that the more complications and more my treatment schedule changes...how both those impact my cure rate. i hate that he even mentioned that. he said that twice about my cure rate. that was where a lot of my peace in this whole cancer thing was coming from was that this is a curable cancer. and it still is. i know that. i just hope these injections do there job and my treatment of every other thursday for six months continues to be the plan of action. yesterday just reminded once again how little control we have and even how little control my dr has. it made it even more clear to me that my hope is found in christ. nothing else. and that prayer works and is necessary. lets pray these little wbc bounce back and allow chemo to do its job. because its only been two month, but i am already tried of this. all of this.

but for today i will rest. or at least try to. and also try not to be angry about getting injections the next four days. but i am a little angry for sure. and annoyed.

but thank you to those of you who read this blog, comment, email, send letters, and text...i can not even begin to express my gratitude. but i hope thank you is enough.