Thursday, October 7, 2010

cancer is hard sometimes

i am finally blogging. the past two days have been miserable. i have a headache that will not subside, constant nausea, and lower back pain that has spread to my hips and down both my legs. i called my dr today and spoke with my nurse concerning my symptoms. she stated they are most likely due to the shots i was given this past weekend and should get better soon. so with the help of vicodin and an anti-nausea pill i hope to feel better soon. but not soon enough as i have lost count of how many times i have thrown up today. i am exhausted. although i have pretty much been in bed the past two days i can not sleep due to the pain. and that is frustrating. 

today started at 630am with little ava. so we played (i laid on the couch) until her nap at 9am. ava is a great sleeper but recently we are transitioning to no bottle in bed (she does not take a pacifier or blanket) and after an hour of her standing up at the end of her crib screaming. which i have never heard her do since she was born. i sat in bed and prayed and cried. begging God to simply put my daughter at peace so she could sleep. after an hour of her crying, against my better judgment i gave her a bottle with mostly water and she immediately feel asleep. and i tried to sleep once again with little success. today was hard. thankfully my mom is here and she helped out so much with running errands and taking care of ava (she made ava her first fort, a blanket over the coffee table and ava is obsessed). i sent justin a text at 12:30pm i am real sick please come home. and he did. he rested all day with me. that was important because today was very difficult. not only physically, but also emotionally. today was the first day in a while that i could not care for ava without help. and that is a hard thing for me to accept. my cancer is real now. more real than ever. a friend asked me on tuesday if this (cancer) was harder than i thought...it is without a doubt the hardest think i have ever endured in my life. i do not say that to be dramatic. really. i am pretty tough i think. but i do not believe i have ever pleaded and begged the Lord for as much as i have the past two days.

i am trying to remember what normal feels like.

33 comments:

  1. Oh sweet girl....sweet, sweet, darling Libby.
    I have no words to say. No wisdom, no insight, no stories of experience. All i can say is that I love you and I believe in the Great Healer who is strong and mighty to save. May you feel His peace, His love, and His overwhelming comfort just wash over you. Always thinking and praying for you.....always.

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  2. Libby, You have been in my prayers a lot since I heard about you and cancer. I cannot imagine anything close to what you are going through, but I know that the Lord is good and that He will give you the strength that you need. Keep fighting! Your story is giving me a new outlook on what is really important in life. I thank you for that.
    Praying that you feel better soon.
    Carmen (kooyman) Pattengale

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  3. Libby, I'm so sorry that you are having to endure this. Praise God that your mom is with you and able to help you with Ava & whatever your may need. I will pray that you will feel better very soon and that the pain and nausea subside.

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  4. Libby,
    You are a very strong girl and I just wanted to tell you that you will Win this, you will! I have DM which is a rare auto immune disease which attacks your muscles, joints and skin! It stinks, I get mouth sores from the chemo pills muscle weakness from my disease, headaches, rashes and they are started a new Chemo Infusion treatment on me called Rituxan in two weeks! I so far have been able to manage my almost 4 year old without much help just nausea meds and pain pills but I have been told to prepare for more nausea more chills etc. so I have some besties and my mom to help with my sweet Kelcee on days I can't! I can already relate with you because I do believe that will be the hardest for me as well! As us mommy's we prayed so much for our little ones that it is hard to have someone else help with them! I do not think you are being dramatic, I think you are being real! I have been praying alot to the lord as well! I have been trying to cast all my anxieties onto him, I have been trying to think as positive as possible and not let Satan bring me down or put negative thoughts in my head! I understand how hard this is! Although I don't have cancer I have a disease that is close to it and it really stinks....cancer stinks....they need to go away!

    I just wanted to let you know you are not alone, and I would like to keep following your journey and be here every step of the way with you....

    hang in there
    in my prayers
    Summer

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  5. I have been praying for you each night. My aunt is going through a very similar situation. Keep fighting. You're such an inspiration! I wish she was fighting as much as you!!

    http://aleishasangels.blogspot.com/

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  6. I am (and have been since I found your blog) lifting you up in prayer every single day!! I haven't been where you are, but I'm sure it is not easy! Thankfully we have Christ, the solid rock, to lean on, unlike the unsaved of the world! I pray for your strength and that you will feel better soon!! God bless you, a sister in Christ, Cheryl Jones

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  7. you have been on my mind all week. i had a feeling you were having a rough week :(. love you and am praying for strength only our might God can give!

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  8. Sending prayers your way.............

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  9. This post just breaks my heart. As a young cancer survivor I can honestly say that I have been where you are with cancer, but I have not been where you are having cancer and also a little girl. My heart is heavy for you tonight. My husband and I are praying for you, Justin and Ava!

    I am praying that the Lord will provide you with rest and comfort tonight! Continue resting in Him! He is the GREAT PHYSICIAN and He will see you through!!

    Much Love and Many Prayers from GA!

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  10. We pray for you morning and night! We will continue to put you in the presence of the almighty king.

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  11. This breaks my heart....
    I do not even know you but I know how hard it is sometimes to be a mother and to be sick with a simple cold... You are strong and tough but you don't always have to be. God will give you the strength!!! Praying for you!!!!!

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  12. This post put tears in my eyes. You don't know me - I am a friend of Andrea (Mankins) Morgan. I have been, and will continue to be, praying for you. I linked your blog to mine tonight so that more people can learn your story and begin praying for you too. You are completely covered in prayer!

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  13. Praying for strength, comfort, and healing.

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  14. We are praying Libby! Sweet sweet girl, we are praying for peace for you all. Hang in there girl.

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  15. Libby. I cannot even describe the pain, the emotions and the love I feel for you, Ava and Justin. I pray that God will take away your pain and your nausea and give you peace so that you can rest. Like always, you are in my thoughts and prayers. ALWAYS!

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  16. So i never comment b/c i am always reading this on my phone and for some reason i can't comment from there. but tonight i was checking out sara's new photo web site and i thought i would take a minute to comment...i am so glad mom is there this week. God knew that mom being there this week would be the week that you would need her the most. i can just picture ava crawling with her baby doll, wade totally wants a video, and her being amazing by a fort, and never wanting to leave it. sounds just like mom. i wish this week was easier for you. i wish i could hug you and tell you how proud i am of you. this is not easy and i am counting the weeks until this is all over. i love you so much and i pray your pain lessens. please give ava a big hug and kiss and tell justin he is my hero for taking such good care of you, i can't imagine anyone else taking care of you and loving you. miss you....boys send there love...

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  17. oh libby. my heart goes out to you. I am sorry for your pain and sorrow, but thankful that we have a good God that loves you so. I will continue to pray for you and Justin and Ava. I will continue to pray every day. You are tough and you will see the end of this pain one day. I look forward to that day. I will pray for you and your family.

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  18. My heart is heavy for you today. I hope you feel better. On days like this I know it's hard to be committed to "don't waste your cancer" but your story is touching so many lives..even though today may really suck. Tomorrow is a new day.

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  19. Reading your blog is like reliving my life a year ago. i remember the day I couldn't care for my children without help and what that felt like and libby I am just lifting you up to the Lord. the ONLY one who can carry us through life and especially cancer. Rest in Him and allow people to help you so you can let the meds do what they need to. We serve a mighty God and He will never leave you or forsake you. Cancer sucks!!!!!!!!!
    Prayers, hope and faith coming to you from Va

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  20. We are sending you thoughts of peace, strength and love.

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  21. Crying with you and Loving you from afar... praying for you daily. His strength is being made perfect in your weakness so you don't need to apologize for not being tough. You are perfect because there is nothing left of you. It's ALL Him now!
    KRisty

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  22. it breaks my heart whenever i read about you in pain, hurting or suffering. but i REJOICE over your heart for Christ, REJOICE in your patient endurance and REJOICE that we have a God that is faithful, mighty & intimate. Thank God that you are able to depend on him for your each and every need.

    you are a blessing to me & i love you dearly. praying for you, ryde & ava daily-
    jen & ben

    "And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus."
    phil 4:19

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  23. Libby,
    I pray God's peace over you today,
    a Peace that rests deep within,
    a Peace that so that your heart knows that you are His daughter, and that He is holding you in the palm of his hand,
    He is caring for you,
    He hasn't taken His eyes off of you and
    He knows every ache, pain, nauseous wave, and heartache
    And that He suffers with you, but can comfort you because He has suffered greatly on our behalf.
    I love you, and suffer with you in prayer and in thoughts, but know that suffering produces joy,
    and joy produces perservearance.
    Keep clinging to Christ Libby. Keep clinging to Him and know that He is clinging to you.
    Amen.

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  24. Praying for you.
    Carley

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  25. The prayer in my heart today - "God is the only source of health and healing,the Spirit of calm and the central peace of this universe, please grant to Libby such a consciousness of Your indwelling and surrounding presence that her health, strength and peace may quickly return unto her. I thank you for your healing."

    Love you all and Libby, I pray you feel much better very soon. ~Shirl

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  26. Still praying for you daily.
    ~lisa in CO

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  27. Thank you for sharing so honestly and candidly. I think as Christians we feel we shouldn't feel bad or complain but that is not true... We can! You can! I can't begin to imagine what you are going through but thank you for being so honest.. we continue to pray for you everyday. We praise God that you have God and know Him - for only He can get you through this. We are praying without ceasing. Love, the Runkles

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  28. Libby, I pray for you, Justin and Ava daily. Please let me offer this Mom advice to you: Ava even though she is so young, knows that things are difficult for you right now. This is probably not a good time to be changing her routine. Unless, her doctor told you that you HAVE to stop giving her a bottle now, I would put off making a change at this time. Ave seems to receive comfort from this routine. Comfort is something you all need right now.

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  29. Libby, tonight our leaders will be together and we will all be spending time praying for YOU. I feel like you have just been submersed so much deeper into this thing of cancer lately. You are so strong, you are tough....I always tell people stories about you being pregnant and super nauseous..I know this must not compare...I hate throwing up and I wish I could throw up for you. Sounds so weird and perhaps inappropriate to say on a blog, but who cares. I am praying simple prayers of reprieve....that this will break soon. Lord, help. Kess and I ache in our hearts knowing you are feeling all of this. Each time we ache, we pray. I don't know Miss Karen, but I also wholeheartedly agree about Ava's routine...but it's totally up to you and you know Ava best and you can make the best decision for her. Ava only needs your love, and she has that no matter what.

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