i am finally blogging. the past two days have been miserable. i have a headache that will not subside, constant nausea, and lower back pain that has spread to my hips and down both my legs. i called my dr today and spoke with my nurse concerning my symptoms. she stated they are most likely due to the shots i was given this past weekend and should get better soon. so with the help of vicodin and an anti-nausea pill i hope to feel better soon. but not soon enough as i have lost count of how many times i have thrown up today. i am exhausted. although i have pretty much been in bed the past two days i can not sleep due to the pain. and that is frustrating.
today started at 630am with little ava. so we played (i laid on the couch) until her nap at 9am. ava is a great sleeper but recently we are transitioning to no bottle in bed (she does not take a pacifier or blanket) and after an hour of her standing up at the end of her crib screaming. which i have never heard her do since she was born. i sat in bed and prayed and cried. begging God to simply put my daughter at peace so she could sleep. after an hour of her crying, against my better judgment i gave her a bottle with mostly water and she immediately feel asleep. and i tried to sleep once again with little success. today was hard. thankfully my mom is here and she helped out so much with running errands and taking care of ava (she made ava her first fort, a blanket over the coffee table and ava is obsessed). i sent justin a text at 12:30pm i am real sick please come home. and he did. he rested all day with me. that was important because today was very difficult. not only physically, but also emotionally. today was the first day in a while that i could not care for ava without help. and that is a hard thing for me to accept. my cancer is real now. more real than ever. a friend asked me on tuesday if this (cancer) was harder than i thought...it is without a doubt the hardest think i have ever endured in my life. i do not say that to be dramatic. really. i am pretty tough i think. but i do not believe i have ever pleaded and begged the Lord for as much as i have the past two days.
i am trying to remember what normal feels like.