Thursday, August 19, 2010

late thursday night

tonight we watched another movie. i am taking a break from movies for a bit. it was about death and life, but mostly death and it made me sad. its not that i think i am going to die or anything, but clearly the thought goes through your mind. so i would rather not watch movies about death anymore.

today i had to get some tests done on my breathing. they were checking my lung capacity. i asked the technician and she said i passed. so that is good news. justin helped by making me laugh and we had great conversation with the women administering my test. she was great. she was different. as soon as she called my name and we started walking to the room she asked how we were doing. not like how are you today, but like how are you both really doing. i think out of all the dozens of different nurses and doctors we have seen over the last three weeks she was the second one to ask us that question. the first was our oncologist. that is why we picked him. not the only reason, but a big one. we love compassionate people. jesus was the most compassionate person i have ever heard of and i have desired that more for myself as well. so now i notice it. the best type of doctor or nurse, or whoever is taking care of you needs to be real real smart and real real compassionate. that is key. today i felt way more like a young 26 year old women who has a sweet little baby named ava and a husband who always asks if he can come along (sometimes they do tests on me and do not let justin come, but he always asks just in case) than just another person with cancer. it was nice to be seen as me.

so how are we really doing? depends on when you ask. right now a little sad. but for most of today happy. last night when i finished blogging and turned out my light and tried to get comfy in bed with my down comforter and four pillows i had the thought, "wow, i really love my life." so please know that for tonight we are doing just fine over here.

i could have taken my bandage off my port yesterday, but i was too scared. i was not ready to see it. its hard to watch your body change and my scars will never let me forget. today while attempting to nap i started peeling. it took me several minutes to take it off because i am wimp when it comes to my skin and band aids and this was not the kind where ripping it off real fast was an option. so peeled it very slowly and finally it came off. its a little bruised, very very tender, and ugly. its hard to see the scars. but they are a part of me now. just like my cancer will always be a part of who i am. after i beat this and go into remission, i know that cancer will remain in my story. i know that it has changed everything. forever.


  1. i love you so much libby
    thank you for being real and honest i admire that
    you are so beautiful libby no matter what scars you get
    im praying for you always

  2. Dearest Libby, the scars are only cosmetic and will not hide your true beauty, which comes from your heart. You are truly an inspiration! Lots of love and prayers are coming your way from us. P.S. I vote for the truly goofy, stupid movies.

  3. I took my Mom for a pet scan today. The nurse that came to get her (its always the same one)always asks her "how are you doing"? :>)

  4. Libby,
    It's amazing how simple words can change everything about your experience. Just as that nurse changed your day you are changing so many people with your words. Thanks for sharing. About the scar, years ago I donated my kidney and sometimes I see the scar are remember all the great people who loved and took care of me so it is a good reminder for me. Once this cancer is only a faint memory your scars can remind you of all the people who loved and cared for you. Keep your chin up. Stephanie

  5. You do not know me but I was directed to your blog by a friend. It was interesting you were talking about scars today since I just finished the book Little Bee and in it the main character says - “We must see all scars as beauty. Okay? This will be our secret. Because take it from me, a scar does not form on the dying. A scar means, I survived”

  6. Dear Libby,
    Thank you so much for sharing your journey with us. We always knew you were amazing and a gift to so many. Your honesty and clarity in sharing your most intimate feelings is truly inspirational. This is not only a life changing experience for you and your family, but for all who read your blog.Please know we are with you, although maybe not in the same room but in prayer, in spirit, in faith in God, in laughter,and in tears. God is with you in this journey, as witnessed through your writing. We love you ,we love who you are, and God must be so wonderfully proud of you.
    Sandy (Mezz)

  7. Libby and Justin - we are praying in Pennsylvania. God is already doing amazing things through you!
    SDG! Doug & Jolee

  8. I think I should review your movie list...what about some of those goofy, funny movies that Justin loves? A few years from now your scars will be you reminder of a battle well fought and won... as well as a reminder of how many loved you through the process.

  9. For me, the last two sentences show how much you are truly growing from this....and i don't even know you. Your perspective on life is so beautiful and amazing by His grace.I really enjoy reading your posts. I'm praying for you.

  10. Love love love you Libby! God has blessed you with such an infectious smile, faith and spirit of grace. And only knowing you for one summer, you are one of the sweetest women I know - a woman and mom that I look up to & admire so much!! Every time I read a post from you or Justin, I feel closer to God and want to know Jesus more. THANK YOU for being so real. I praise God for you and thank him for using you to touch SO MANY! Covering you, Justin & Ava in prayers. Love you sweet Libby!!

  11. I'm glad you have found a team of good doctors and nurses! Hope you got some well deserved rest last night!

  12. I agree about having caring nurses and doctors. It's very obvious who does and who doesn't. Totally changess the whole entire visit and your mood depending on who you get. Glad you have a great nurse and doctor taking care of you.

  13. Dearest Libby, please know we love you & are praying/thinking for/of you constantly. Your faith & trust in the Lord is a testimony to all of us--His grace is sufficient to sustain us, no matter where life takes us...He is here. Love & hugs to you from Lee & Betty :)

  14. I found your blog from a friends blog that had a link to yours and I just want you to know what an inspiration you are to myself and others. Thanks so much for sharing your journey with others. Prayers going up to you and your family!

  15. now i know how my poor tommy feels...i left a comment this morning and the great internet swallowed it whole...and now someone already said what i said....a scar means i survived! and you will. something tells me your smile will always draw people's eyes to your face, not your neck.
    love you.

  16. Libby,
    I read your blog every time you write. I lie in bed at night thinking about what you are going through (don't worry i do my best sleeping in the morning anyway!). We know Justin through the kessicks and met him last summer at Champion. Anyway, I am just one of hundreds praying for you and thinking of you and continually inspired by your eloquent story. I hope I can be as strong as you someday, but selfishly don't want want to go through what it takes to get there! I H.A.T.E. empty platitudes so I'll refrain from cheesy cliche's. I know you now and I love you! - Kristy

  17. Libby,
    I so look forward to reading each post because I continue to be inspired by you daily.You are such a beautiful woman inside and out. Be proud of your scars.They are who you are.I do agree with Ted... Edit you movie list.(I hope those weren't any that I sent.)Love you guys so much!
    Aunt Marlo

  18. lib-since we're being're right your scars aren't fun...i don't like to see them on you...but everyone is right...your radiance both outside & inside is so captivating that your scars are only an after thought...i admire that you don't at all...pretty inspiring for me, because i do, complain i mean...funny how im the sister that gets paid to help people, but yet being here with you the last week've been doing all the helping...thanks for reminding me-that the small things matter (like being nice-like really nice to the teller at walmart), that being present in each moment is what matters-all the worries and stuff that doesn't count-needs to be done away with, & that Jesus' love is what counts. As i sang "Jesus loves me" to the babes 2nite i realized what those words really mean-for the first time i belong to him, mind, body, & soul!!

    also for those of you who haven't had the great honor of knowing ava in person, let me tell you-she has blue eyes that are like 5 different kinds of blue-they shine-really shine...she has a giggle that just makes me smile, not just on my face, but the kind all the way to your belly smile...she gets this full body dance thing happening when she sees herself in the mirror or when you go to get her from her feel blessed to be in her presence...lib & just-she's an angel, sent to you to love & care for, and to bring laughter and joy everyday...thanks for allowing me to be present with you on this journey and for blessing me with the moments i get to make with my niece...i treasure them...aunt becky

  19. Sounds like we need a night of Checkers fries and Brown Sugar. Still praying for you friend. Love you.

  20. Don't spend your movie time on sad movies. Humor is good for healing. It has even been researched and documented. Consider a good night with a funny movie therapy.

  21. Dear Libby,

    I try to read your blog and respond first honestly from my heart about what I read. The comment about "Sonic happy hour" kills me - there really is joy in Sonic happy hour! I read what other people write later.

    If you don't mind, I'll correct your statement that "everyone feels helpless". On the contrary, you've helped me so much. I feel helped - not helpless. You brought me back to where I knew I could seek The Lord for help - not just doctors with meds.

    You'll never know or understand my full story - but I've "lost" my family twice. I live in Washington state, and K lives in VA - now NC. You've not lost that. Your family is right there for you and they don't leave. They won't leave. You couldn't make them leave if you wanted to do so.

    Your daughter is so beautiful - it makes me miss my Jessie so much.

    I actually live in chronic pain. I don't talk about it much and I try to pretend it's not there. Sometimes I can't sleep because of it so I just pray. Maybe someone can fix it - I don't know or have any idea. It does drag me down like so many other things in my life.

    I have a lot of scars - both physical and inside. I think of them as a badge of honor. A way that I survived not because of myself but because He wanted me to survive. A beautiful person is never defined by there scars, but rather their actions. I'm not beautiful at all but I'm trying to get there.

    I'd been in NY for two weeks and was at the airport going home on Thursday of last week very late. There was a fantastic young African American boy - probably 4 years old - with his mother and it was clear that she had some real problems. Anyone there would know that she was a major drug addict. She talked on her phone the whole time and the boy in his dirty shirt just roamed around. I spoke to him and showed him how to flip a coin - how to guess heads or tails. He was exactly like me - he guessed wrong every time. So I told him, "that's why I count on God. If this was up to me I'd lose every time". I gave him some money in a little box and for that moment he was really happy - as was I.

    I wouldn't have done it without you. I don't feel helpless any more and I'll pray for you every day. I wish I could do more for you but now it's up to Him. You've helped me so much to be a better person, and a better person with God in my life.


  22. Just got home from Saranac where we were so excellently served by Cliff & Mezz. They shared your news at our last leaders meeting and we prayed... Will continue praying for you and Justin!!


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