Monday, March 18, 2013


so i love the community we have around this blog because it was fun to hear from so many of you with the whole..."been there done that thing" and helping me feel like i am not the least bit alone in all of this. so thank you. i did get my nails done by the way but i am yet to drink more than two sips of coffee before it's cold. i heated it up 6 time so far today and now that it's noon i am switching to water.

with ava i was pretty relaxed when it came to her schedule. she sorta fell into a rhythm that worked for our family. with little lyla i am starting to see more of a pattern way earlier than with ava and i like it. but it does not always work and what i mean is that we do not always enforce it. so yesterday for example she basically was held all day and when we set her down she got real mad. but today i have laid her down wide awake twice for a nap and after a few minutes of tears she fell asleep. love it. last post=bad day. this post=good day. we are falling into a little rhythm and i like it. i am also
taking some meds to assist with my baby blues. the same day i wrote this post
i saw my midwife and i filled out this little postpartum questionnaire and when she came in to talk with me to see how i was doing i started crying immediately. i didn't even know why. just so much emotion around our life. ted's death, lyla's birth, two years since cancer...i just have not felt normal. because so much about our life is adjusting yet again to a new normal. so we are trying some medicine for a little bit. i am always open to help. so thankfully alongside that and getting more sleep at night and justin and i being on the same page we are all doing a bit better over here. i am trusting my instincts and i love that when you are a seem to just know. maybe not all the time and we mommas can't feel bad about that. they are little humans with a mind of their own and we sometimes do not have the faintest idea what to do. but when we, it feels like a victory.  with teddy we know that she loves to be on her tummy, over my right shoulder, with some little pats on her booty. it seems to be the ticket unless she is hungry. it cures all the tears.

side note. people ask pretty often if we are calling her teddy or lyla. we call her both. we love both. so whatever feels more natural we are good with that. i usually use lyla. but either one works.

at this very moment both my girls are sleeping. i miss them but not really. mostly i like it. rachel zoe marathon (swear i wont watch it all day) is on today so i am watching the style network, folding laundry, and because of the few inches of snow we got last night it feels like we are "snowed in" so we are staying put. we even drank hot chocolate.

i am loving the bond between the girls that is happening so naturally. lyla smiles at ava the most. she turns her head to where ava is and whenever ava hugs lyla she always closes her eyes and it melts me. while at the same time ava is not least bit concerned with jumping on the bed and nearly crushing lyla. but when she hugs and kisses her she stops and closes her eyes and soaks her in a bit. i love that.  i have two sisters and then hit the jackpot when i married justin and got the bonus of a third sister. i love that we are all married with families so despite the age differences and the distance we are all sharing life. we understand each other on a different level and i need that in them. praying our girls love for one another is even deeper. i hope they feel like someone always has their back and they are never alone. so when they are teenagers and maybe don't like me very much they will have one another.

sometimes she is real happy

and sometimes she is real sad.

haircut for ava is officially happening. tomorrow at 4pm baby.
will post pictures for sure.

Friday, March 8, 2013

our reality.

right now i am a little sleepy or maybe a lot tired.
my skin is breaking out.
i used to fit into my pre-baby jeans and now they are tight again.
maybe it is all the dairy queen blizzards i seem to be consuming.
but who really knows, ya know.

a little background. ava had bronchitis last week. which used to be a sinus infection...which used to be an ear infection...which used to be the flu. needless to say she has been sick a lot this winter.
 along with most every child i know.

after about two days of ava coughing i noticed lyla was coughing as well. it was bad. such a big cough for such a little baby. in our marriage justin and i are on the opposite ends of the spectrum when it comes to illnesses and when we should head to the doctor. i tend to wait it out and see...whereas he is ready to head to the ER at any moment. he was gone all last week and i decided to "wait it out" with little lyla. but after a few awful nights and poor girl being unable to stop coughing i decided yesterday to go to the dr early during his walk-in hours so no appointment was necessary.

you need to be there by 9:00am in order to be seen and it's 8:35am. we live 10 minutes away. i wear my pajamas. my tank top is a little low so i add a scarf to help it "look decent" and maybe even a little trendy. brush my teeth, hair in ponytail, and a little cover-up b/c my skin is breaking out. which is so timely since i am barely showering and getting ready that a pimple or two is always nice.
kept ava in her pajamas and put on her boots. load lyla in her seat. no jacket for me b/c why would i wear a coat it's only 35 degrees out and at least a foot of snow? i do put ava in a jacket and a hat.
 i am concerned about her well being but maybe not my own sometimes.

head to the dr where i get a little stuck getting out b/c although the 4runner can handle snow...we got about 16 inches of snow on wednesday. but i make it out. we do not have a garage. reason number #3 we will never purchase this home. i want a garage. not too much to ask right?

call my friend liz. we are kindred spirits. i ask if i can drop ava off for a little while i go to the dr for lyla. the ride over ava and i discuss back and forth a few things. this is usually how our conversations go before any play date, church nursery, or anytime she is away from us and around other children.

"ava are you doing to make good choices today with your friends?"
"yes mommy i will be a good listener."
"ok good. now that means no hitting or pushing and it is important to share with your friends b/c you are at their house and playing with their toys."
"okay mommy i will."
"now ava please repeat what i just said."
"i will not push and i promise to be a good listener."

now i know in my heart that most likely ava will probably not share with her friend. even though she talks about him all day and how he is her best friend. she will still push him. but maybe. just maybe today she will rise to the occasion and play well with others.

i drop her off real quickly and reminder her again of our conversation as i walk her to the door.
she looks up at me pretty annoyed..."i know mommy. i will make good choices."

 lyla's cough has lessened at this point as we wait for a few minutes. the nurse calls our names and it's a sweet jmu student who lives up the street. i feel the need to give her a disclaimer about my appearance. to which she says..."oh, i don't care." i then think to myself...i knew that by walking out looking like this i was taking the risk that i would see someone i know. but getting out of the house on time fair outweighed how i happened to look at this given moment. i did catch a glance in the mirror and it was bad. mostly b/c i was wearing the tank top that lyla had spit up on a few times and it really is not appropriate to be worn outside my home. a little snug and low cut. but nothing i can do now and really let me make this clear...because i am not writing this to express what a mess i am right now or maybe i am. not totally sure. i do care about my appearance. most of us do. and when time allows i may choose to ignore a crying baby for a few or put a show on for ava because i feel like a better human being when i shower and get ready for the day. do you agree? yesterday morning just did not allow such time. hence the pajamas and inappropriate tank top.

on to what matters. little baby has a mild case of rsv. i cry. but before i cry i tell the dr i am about to start crying. not sure why but i did. feeling some strange guilt for not bringing her in sooner to be seen and just weary from the intense fatigue i feel. rsv is a cold for babies that can be serious. requires hospitalization sometimes. thankfully lyla's case is mild. her oxygen level was high enough where heading to the hospital was not necessary. they gave her a breathing treatment that seemed to help a bit based on what the dr heard when he listened to her lungs again. it is some sort of magic what a dr can hear with those stethoscopes. truly remarkable.
pull myself together as best i can and it is only 10am. go pick up ava to which my sweet friend liz shares that not only were the kids hitting but ava was tackling her two boys and when she asked the kids to stop using "potty words" they decided not to listen and continue on about booties and pee. which to kids is the most hilarious topic. i am a little furious. can you even be a little furious?
i am just so bummed that our little convo in the car went in one ear and out the other. what to do?
 we leave.
but why not head to walmart first. that would be fun. before heading in justin calls b/c he locked out of the house. we have a serious locking ourselves out problem. give him a key and head to walmart. i get 5 house keys made. lyla wakes up and starts crying for the entirety of my rushing around to get the things on my list. finally done.
we head home. i am actually cutting this post short i am not able to finish  because lyla is crying and ava is dancing to "call me maybe" in her tutu and it's a little loud. but i will post it so all of you that have chosen to not completely abandon this blog know we are still here and we are alive. 

a few things i know for sure.
i am grateful to be a mom to these two girls.
this is only for a season. but then i am sure a new season will emerge.
 not sure if it ever becomes easy. but possibly easier.
i would like a pedicure and to drink my coffee warm. not too much to ask right?
oh, and i wish my family lived closer.
being a little vulnerable here but i might be dealing with some post-partum depression.
(that is for another post for another day).

did her own make-up and i promise to get her hair trimmed soon.

justin and ava played in the snow with some friends and lyla and i stayed inside.
we like it warm.

Sunday, March 3, 2013


if i were you i would be annoyed with me. i am me and i am annoyed. i love this blog. i love this space. i love how it has given me a place to grow and be honest and share. lately life has just been a bit too much and this little blog has gone to the wayside. but i want to bring it back. my heart feels like it might burst with everything i am learning and feeling. but i am just straight up so tired at night to get myself to write. i am sad that little lyla's life has not been documented here. i so want this blog to be something for the girls. they will read it one day and be given a glimpse into their momma's heart. and ava...oh, strong little ava who is becoming a little girl. she is the best big sister. her love for teddy is more genuine than i ever imagined. especially this soon. praying these little ladies will be the best of friends for life. i am about to head to bed but little lyla is sound asleep on me so i want to share some highlights. this is what's been going down here on paul street.

1. lots of girl time. (we miss you babe).
2. nursing. a lot.
3. naps. mostly for lyla.
4. back to work. i kinda hate it. only 6 hrs a week.
5. making scarves. 
6. nursery decor
7. ava wanting to do everything on her own.
8. lyla: overall the best. a little fussy. loves to be held. if she could lay on me all day she would sleep all day. swear. 
9. not feeling totally overwhelmed. but certainly have my moments.
10. first thing ava asks for when she wakes up..." hey, mom where is my baby."
11. i eat a lot of dairy queen reeses blizzards.
12. i make a lot of target runs. even if just to stroll the aisles with the girls. but ava loves those huge carts and i hate them. i did find out yesterday that target now provides cup holders for your cart. so pretty much it's the perfect place.
13. we have great friends.
14. grief is heavy and i am sleepy.
15. but joy wins.

keeping my eyes on Christ. 

oh, man am i in love.


yesterday i had never heard of it and now i am heading to texas.