Friday, March 8, 2013

our reality.

right now i am a little sleepy or maybe a lot tired.
my skin is breaking out.
i used to fit into my pre-baby jeans and now they are tight again.
maybe it is all the dairy queen blizzards i seem to be consuming.
but who really knows, ya know.

yesterday.
a little background. ava had bronchitis last week. which used to be a sinus infection...which used to be an ear infection...which used to be the flu. needless to say she has been sick a lot this winter.
 along with most every child i know.

after about two days of ava coughing i noticed lyla was coughing as well. it was bad. such a big cough for such a little baby. in our marriage justin and i are on the opposite ends of the spectrum when it comes to illnesses and when we should head to the doctor. i tend to wait it out and see...whereas he is ready to head to the ER at any moment. he was gone all last week and i decided to "wait it out" with little lyla. but after a few awful nights and poor girl being unable to stop coughing i decided yesterday to go to the dr early during his walk-in hours so no appointment was necessary.

you need to be there by 9:00am in order to be seen and it's 8:35am. we live 10 minutes away. i wear my pajamas. my tank top is a little low so i add a scarf to help it "look decent" and maybe even a little trendy. brush my teeth, hair in ponytail, and a little cover-up b/c my skin is breaking out. which is so timely since i am barely showering and getting ready that a pimple or two is always nice.
kept ava in her pajamas and put on her boots. load lyla in her seat. no jacket for me b/c why would i wear a coat it's only 35 degrees out and at least a foot of snow? i do put ava in a jacket and a hat.
 i am concerned about her well being but maybe not my own sometimes.

head to the dr where i get a little stuck getting out b/c although the 4runner can handle snow...we got about 16 inches of snow on wednesday. but i make it out. we do not have a garage. reason number #3 we will never purchase this home. i want a garage. not too much to ask right?

call my friend liz. we are kindred spirits. i ask if i can drop ava off for a little while i go to the dr for lyla. the ride over ava and i discuss back and forth a few things. this is usually how our conversations go before any play date, church nursery, or anytime she is away from us and around other children.

"ava are you doing to make good choices today with your friends?"
"yes mommy i will be a good listener."
"ok good. now that means no hitting or pushing and it is important to share with your friends b/c you are at their house and playing with their toys."
"okay mommy i will."
"now ava please repeat what i just said."
"i will not push and i promise to be a good listener."

now i know in my heart that most likely ava will probably not share with her friend. even though she talks about him all day and how he is her best friend. she will still push him. but maybe. just maybe today she will rise to the occasion and play well with others.

i drop her off real quickly and reminder her again of our conversation as i walk her to the door.
she looks up at me pretty annoyed..."i know mommy. i will make good choices."

 lyla's cough has lessened at this point as we wait for a few minutes. the nurse calls our names and it's a sweet jmu student who lives up the street. i feel the need to give her a disclaimer about my appearance. to which she says..."oh, i don't care." i then think to myself...i knew that by walking out looking like this i was taking the risk that i would see someone i know. but getting out of the house on time fair outweighed how i happened to look at this given moment. i did catch a glance in the mirror and it was bad. mostly b/c i was wearing the tank top that lyla had spit up on a few times and it really is not appropriate to be worn outside my home. a little snug and low cut. but nothing i can do now and really let me make this clear...because i am not writing this to express what a mess i am right now or maybe i am. not totally sure. i do care about my appearance. most of us do. and when time allows i may choose to ignore a crying baby for a few or put a show on for ava because i feel like a better human being when i shower and get ready for the day. do you agree? yesterday morning just did not allow such time. hence the pajamas and inappropriate tank top.

on to what matters. little baby has a mild case of rsv. i cry. but before i cry i tell the dr i am about to start crying. not sure why but i did. feeling some strange guilt for not bringing her in sooner to be seen and just weary from the intense fatigue i feel. rsv is a cold for babies that can be serious. requires hospitalization sometimes. thankfully lyla's case is mild. her oxygen level was high enough where heading to the hospital was not necessary. they gave her a breathing treatment that seemed to help a bit based on what the dr heard when he listened to her lungs again. it is some sort of magic what a dr can hear with those stethoscopes. truly remarkable.
pull myself together as best i can and it is only 10am. go pick up ava to which my sweet friend liz shares that not only were the kids hitting but ava was tackling her two boys and when she asked the kids to stop using "potty words" they decided not to listen and continue on about booties and pee. which to kids is the most hilarious topic. i am a little furious. can you even be a little furious?
i am just so bummed that our little convo in the car went in one ear and out the other. what to do?
 we leave.
 
but why not head to walmart first. that would be fun. before heading in justin calls b/c he locked out of the house. we have a serious locking ourselves out problem. give him a key and head to walmart. i get 5 house keys made. lyla wakes up and starts crying for the entirety of my rushing around to get the things on my list. finally done.
we head home. i am actually cutting this post short i am not able to finish  because lyla is crying and ava is dancing to "call me maybe" in her tutu and it's a little loud. but i will post it so all of you that have chosen to not completely abandon this blog know we are still here and we are alive. 

a few things i know for sure.
i am grateful to be a mom to these two girls.
this is only for a season. but then i am sure a new season will emerge.
 not sure if it ever becomes easy. but possibly easier.
i would like a pedicure and to drink my coffee warm. not too much to ask right?
oh, and i wish my family lived closer.
being a little vulnerable here but i might be dealing with some post-partum depression.
(that is for another post for another day).



did her own make-up and i promise to get her hair trimmed soon.



justin and ava played in the snow with some friends and lyla and i stayed inside.
we like it warm.

12 comments:

  1. You are doing great. This post made me smile because even though I only have one little boy I never ever drink my coffee hot :) xoxoxo

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  2. Thank you for sharing your reality. Truly. Today I dropped my son off early to school so he could serve a detention for talking off topic in 6th grade, my other sons teacher emailed bc he has been having a bad attitude in speech class and i finally "forced" my three year old daughter to take a bath after 5 days and my house well its a mess. But thank you for reminding me that we are lucky to be moms to these little people, even when we're in the trenches of motherhood.

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  3. Bless your sweet heart! After my 2nd was born I liked to say, "twice the crazy, but twice the sweet!". It really is such a balance of both, sinking and swimming. My 2nd is now 8 months old and it is still crazy a lot of days and new challenges take the place of old ones, Less spit-up(but still a little) and more crashes from attempting to crawl and grab everything.We have managed to figure it out despite the crazy somehow and laugh at the rest. Don't apologize for any of this. It is truth. It is the way life is. Some days there is time for a shower, pretty dresses, and make-up and some days are fit for a spit-up covered, snug, low cut tank top and that is ok. Hang in there! You can do it!

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  4. so being a mom to two girls 20 and 23 I have to say not only did this bring back memories, I laughed. Its all so normal and all so worth it, it doesn't get easier it gets better. You are such a good mom I truly enjoy reading your post, treasure this time for it won't last forever. You can do it you will look back and say that was the best days of my life. God Bless

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  5. I totally get it and you are doing great! It's so not easy and I did actually have post party's after my second- not easy or fun at all. It can be ugly. But don't be afraid to ask for help and speak your truth. You are a wonderful mom and your kids are truly blessed- and so darn cute too. Hugs from Florida!

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  6. Umm...I had post partum not post party :)

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  7. I could have wrote those same words! I have a 5 year old and 6 week old. He had RSV also :( it was not bad and no hospitalization. Still, so pitiful and a little guilt on my part. Showering and Walmart trips and balancing time ... I'm so there! Im also having a hard time with nursing, weight, and feeling like a wife. Among things like being away from family and working in school work (I'm a graduate student and in the middle of internship). This is just a season ... Yes ... On repeat over and over. Sorry you are struggling with post partum depression. It is hard. I'm praying for you. I'm glad you are still finding joy and have God on your side!

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  8. Bless your heart. hang in there girl. Love that pic of Lyla with her eyes wide open....first pic of lil' Lyla I've seen where you can start to see her features and character, and lil' sis is gonna look like her beautiful big sister! You have gorgeous children. Prayers your way for you and your beautiful family.

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  9. Ugh - thank you for writing this! Baby number three (Asher) was just born 01/28...many (errrrrrr most) days I feel like I am about to lose my mind with a 3.5 year old, 20 month old, and 6 week old. To say it is difficult nursing around the clock and getting no more than 3 hours of sleep in a row night after night after night, all the while being expected to look "normal," shower (ha), keep the house going (a la kids fed, dressed, cleaned, etc), and get the kids to all of their daily activities on time is probably the understatement of the year...and a massive joke. Praying the RSV clears quickly and that you start feeling better!!

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  10. SO know how you feel. Only one kiddo, but add to that a full time job, a husband who farms, and both of us having hour long commutes. Lost my keys IN my car while loading groceries in the walmart parking lot last week. My child is nearly 15 months and just had her 12 month checkup yesterday, sleeps with us nearly every night, not because we're real pro-attachment parenting, but because we're just too tired to train her to sleep in her own bed. No where near ready to wean from bottles. But she's healthy, beautiful, loving, and so smart as I know your girls are too. It's just such a full plate when they're this little. But it makes for some full hearts too :) Those postpartum days are so rough, especially given that your family is still grieving. Praying for your sweet family and for a little peace and R&R for you!

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