Friday, August 6, 2010

no results today

we waited all day for the dr to call with the results of my biopsy, but nothing. we will have to wait until monday and that will be very hard for us. today was a bittersweet day for me. i think its sinking in more. the fact that i have cancer. its becoming more real. i have a decent size bandage on my neck from my surgery and when we were out for dinner tonight, i was a little embarrassed about it. justin told me you could barley notice it, but i know he was lying. it was still nice of him to say that though. we sat across from each other at dinner, thanks to gift card that came in the mail today, and i did not have very much to say. i was fighting back tears and i am not exactly sure why. because i know i have cancer, i feel like everyone in the restaurant knows too and is looking at me different. how silly is that? and what bothers me is that i know that cancer is not what defines me. my identity is in christ and i'm libby ryder and i am proud of that. but you know how sometimes you may know something, but not really believe it all the time. that's what's happening for me today. i know this is part of his plan, but today, for a second i wish it wasn't. i can say that right? well i just did. i know he has a plan for me and that this is a part of it and i will fight. i will get all the tests done that my doctor tells me to and i will have chemotherapy treatments to destroy the cancer in my body...but today i wish i did not have to do any of those things. but i will. because i believe that the life i have in christ is better than anything i could do apart from him. so i will do it.

two high school girls who i love dearly cut their hair off today. i think for locks of love, but not totally sure. when they sent me the picture text one girl wrote, "i did the only thing i could to help." and the other wrote, "trying to help anyway i can." wow. love it. we got a stack of cards today and more flowers. i love when the doorbell rings and i see the ups man walking back to his truck and i look outside and see a package. thanks to the gifts cards we can finally afford my iced mocha habit. but seriously thank you for loving us and for caring for our little family. it helps on days like today. tomorrow my parents come and that is good. very good.


  1. Oh, honey, it is good. And I can hardly stand it...the waiting I mean. This last day will feel like an eternity. But once we get there we have nothing to do this week-end but hold each other and talk and laugh and, yes, cry. I need to do that. I feel like I have been on hold.

    I've talked to you like 3 or 4 times today...a record since THE NEWS. Mostly because I don't know how to text on my new phone so I have to resort to old fashioned phone calls...I am so grateful to Tim who agreed to my "crisis management" cell phone. (That name gives me the false sense of being able to manage anything of what is going on.) And to Justin (& Chris) who will patiently walk me through this new technology, or so they say.

    Love to all of you,


  2. I cafn only imagine how hard it would be to have to wait all weekend. Praying that you are able to to maybe relax and rest a little this weekend!

  3. As a young cancer survivor I can honestly say I KNOW what you are going through right now!!!! My heart is heavy for you tonight! I am praying for you!!!!!

  4. Our hearts are heavy for your emotional roller coaster ride, we are on it with you. Hang in there. Keep your FAITH-God is your only strength!

  5. Waiting is the hardest and it seems forever. We are praying, praying, praying. Thank you SO much for sharing, You are an amazing woman and your faith inspires me beyond what I can tell you. Thank you for your openness and honesty :) ~Shirl

  6. I found your blog through another blog. I just wanted to tell you that you are a beautiful person, inside and out. And just reading your posts I know that you love the Lord and he is going to do amazing things with others through your journey. I work for an oncology office in GA and I see people every day going through tough times and I can't imagine, all I can do is pray for them.

    I sat and read every word on your blog last night and as I read, my heart was so full. I was so thankful that you are putting this out there. What a witness you are for our Savior.

    Praying for you...

  7. Libby dear, enjoy the closeness of your beautiful family this weekend. I am certain that being with family and seeing Ava interact with them will bring you joy. I pray the dark cloud on having to wait will pass quickly and that you have a wonderful weekend. We all love you and will hold you close in our hearts and prayers Love, Grandma Ryder

  8. to my sweet sister...i don't have words to describe what i am i will say only that I love you...and i can't wait to tell you that in person and give you a long awaited hug...i look forward to out babies smiling and laughing together...walks on the beach...morning coffee...afternoon naps...sharing memories...and just being...just being together...that sounds nice-doesn't it?! love to you, justin, and your beautiful baby girl-i love you ava! even through this pain, waiting, and the unknown...God is so good! love u...aunt becky

  9. Lib,
    I can picture you all sitting in the great room of the beach house. I will pray its a time when you literally FEEL being held by God thru the love of His people. What a family you have to carry you through this. Tonight, I am thanking God for them and the courage they will give you.

    I was driving today and almost couldn't see straight because of my tears for you...knowing what you'll have to endure, and feeling so heavy-hearted that this is your new reality. The world looks so different to me now. I can't imagine what it looks like to you.

    I keep thinking of Zephaniah 3:17 when I start to worry about you. "The Lord your God is in your midst. A mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing."


  10. Libby,
    Enjoy your week with family. Hit the beach...I know you love to do that. Relax and build strength. Tell your family hello for me. Again, thank you so much for the updates...praying for you, Jus and Ava.

  11. Hang tight, Lib... waiting is so will soothe your soul to be with your family this weekend..and that will help pass the time. love you.

  12. What if we were able to wait at the Hofbraugh house....wouldn't time fly then? I love you so much!

  13. Justin,
    Know that I will be praying for you and your family.

    Mary Jo Rechtin (Your teacher)

  14. Libby, I am so very glad to hear that although no cancer diagnoses is ever good, you have the "good" kind! I've spoken to others who have gone through the painful journey and come through it living more simply,caring deeply, speaking and loving every moment more fully. You already do these things so maybe, those you know & meet will begin to put the beauty of Christ that your life reflects into practice &your hard road will be multiplied in others as we cheer, and love you. Gods ways are so much bigger than ours! Because Jesus expressed the pain and sadness he felt, it is clearly not a sign of weakness to say it's hard & you dont understand,but of strength. Praying often for you and yours <3 Love Sharon for the Shulers
    I LOVED meeting your mom! What a delightful lady she is! Huggs to her:-)

  15. Dear Libby,

    My dear friend, Norma Jefferson, who is Tommy Joe's great aunt, sent me an email yesterday telling me about you and your illness and your blog. I couldn't sleep last night, so I finally decided to get up and "do"something. I thought of your blog. So, as instructed, I went back to July 24 to read from the beginning. What a wonderful blessing this blog is going to be to so many people. I just know it. We will never fully understand why God lets these things happen to such young, wonderful people who are serving Him, but one thing for sure, we know that He is faithful. He will use your journey, your faith, your love to reach out to people who don't really know the Lord. My daughter's mother-in-law has in this past year been diagnosed with lymphoma. I am going to make sure she knows about your blog. She is not a Christian. My prayers will be that, through your blog, your commitment to Christ and trust in Him will minister in a way no one else has been able to. We live in Southport, NC, part-time; Louisville, KY, the other part. My husband is on staff at a church in Louisville. We will have all the prayer groups at our church there and here in Southport praying for you and Justin, and, of course, sweet Ava. And, now that I'm caught up, I will be looking forward to your blog daily (if I can figure out how to do it!)

    In His love, Gloria Craig


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