the pixie. three days later.

unforgettable weekend. i will write about it later tonight. but for now...

i meant to include this on thursday when i wrote about the pixie but i forgot. which i often do. forget parts of my heart in a story or something that stuck out to me that was significant but when i sit down to write so much gets lost and forgotten. but i had to include this. even three days later.

after my hair cut was finished i picked up ava while i was sitting in the chair. she looked at me. she moved her little head around and slowly checked me out from the side, the front, and the back. with a curious little look. not bad not good. just checking things out. which she often does. she then took her hand and touched the back of bed. and my heart melted. after she touched my head she smiled. like she knew. i think she was thinking...i know you are my momma but you look a little different. but i know you are still my momma. its true ava...no matter what. my looks will change but it will always be me. it was a special moment between her and i that i never want to forget. i could just tell the wheels were turning in her head. but after checking out the new look she knew it was me the whole time.

it really was crazy how many times i caught a glimpse of myself and for a second did recognize myself. or when i walked past a mirror and would stop for a second because i am still in shock. i have said so many times this weekend...i can not believe how short my hair is. its just taking some getting used to...but i am not sure how to express how much i appreciate the kind words in regards to my new pixie. when i got home on thursday i was nervous and insecure. but honestly the feedback from you all really did boost my confidence. its short. real short. but i like it. i had no idea how much my thinning hair and grey hat had literally been weighing me down. i did feel good about myself, i was always nervous about ava trying to rip my hat off my head, hating how thin it was, constantly wondering if it looked ok or not, and not being able to pull my hair into a pony tail when i did not feel like getting ready for the day. and maybe you would think putting on hat would help with that...but it didn't because of what was underneath it.

the comments on the blog come directly to my phone and there was a steady stream of them over the past days. so thank you thank you thank you. i am rocking this pixie. i got to. and i feel good about it. i know i am holding my head a little higher now. not in a prideful way, but i really had not realized the anxiety i was carrying around when it came to my chemo hair. but now its gone. over. like my cancer. and we are loving that and my new hair over here at the ryder house.