the pixie cut.

i did it. i have a boy cut. its short. real short. but i do not hate it. just a little sad about it.

you might recall when i first cut my hair in preparation for losing it all due to chemo (watch it HERE). justin and i went together. we took before and after pictures and video. it was quite the ordeal. i went from happy, to furious, to mostly not happy. i hated my first hair cut. i walked out of the salon and yelled lots of four letter words. i hated it. not sure if i hated the hair cut or just hated that i had to cute my hair altogether. either way it was a dramatic, emotional, tough day. but we made it. i made it through 12 chemo treatments and held on to some of my hair. i started wearing a hat in mid december when it started to get real thin. it kept getting thinner and thinner but i never lost it all. so i decided not to shave it but opted for to keep my thinning hair and wear a hat. i own several hats but my grey hat always seems to be my first choice. kinda gross that i wore the same exact hat for basically 14 weeks. that might be a little weird. but it seemed normal to me. i basically wanted to wear my hat for as long as i could and then wait a little until it started to grow back and then we would go short. pixie cut style. since that it was justin has wanted since day one. but i was never ready.

this week i was ready. our friend anne rolfe (she is in the haircut video) babysat ava the day i got my haircut and when i came home really upset about my hair she said...you gotta go to heather. she will fix it. i love her. she is the best. so when i decided last week that i was ready for my little cut i texted anne rolfe and got in touch with the infamous heather. this haircut was a little different. it was just ava and i. no video. a few before pictures i took of myself without my hat on to document my hair post cancer. as i was driving to heather's house i started to get a little emotional. i was sad. scared. nervous. mad. a little excited to not have to wear my hat ever again. but mostly nervous. i knew i was ready for this cut because i actually made the appointment. i knew that i was ready. even though i was scared i knew i needed a change. it was time to cut off the old hair and start fresh. my hair was reminding me of cancer everyday. even though i am cancer free. i thought that my new haircut would make me think less about cancer but its doesn't. not yet. maybe in a week or so but not tonight. i still look in the mirror and do not recognize myself and that is a strange way to feel. i do not think i would have ever cut my hair this short ever in my life had i not been forced to due to cancer. i like my long hair. i think it looks pretty. but now i have short hair. and that is okay too.

back to the hair cut. we arrive at heather's house and upon meeting each other i am quickly laying my daughter on their family room floor because she had a dirty diaper. perfect way to start things off. but it's cool because she has two little boys. the environment was exactly what i needed it. not in a salon with a women who has no idea what she was doing...heather pulled up a chair in her entryway and we got to talking. it was perfect. our kids ran around and played as her husband help supervised little ava. i loved it. i asked her if she thought it was thick enough to cut it off or if i needed to wait...she said i was good to go. i asked her what she would do if she were me...she said she would go for it. pixie style. so she started cutting. no big mirror so we casually chatted and got to know each other. we are friends now. it was laid back and that made it all feel less like a big deal....this whole i am getting a boy hair cut thing. when she was done she handed me the mirror and i saw myself. i teared up. not because i did not like it but because it was just a little sad. i look so different. but heather was great. so thank you.

as i drove home thinking about my hair and how scared i was to see people. i called justin and he said he loved it and was coming home. not a total shocker. he is my husband. so he is supposed to say that. but he did say he really meant it. in the midst of my insecure thoughts i remembered...i did not necessarily choose to cut my hair off. i had to. because of cancer. not that pixie cuts are not great. i just do not think i would have ever randomly decided to chop off all of my hair. that made me feel a little better. i know i know its just hair. but this is a big deal for me. its short. my hair is short. one last thing before i post a few pictures...lie. its okay to lie to someone who has to shave their head (due to chemo) or cut it real short (due to chemo). be nice. they need to hear that they are beautiful. maybe the most beautful they have ever been. i am not encouraging people to lie. its just hard. i am nervous to see people and wonder what they are thinking so just be real nice about it. i cried tonight. but maybe i need to be more tough. its just hair. yeah right. not to me. its sad and i am still getting used to it and i think that is okay.

my normal hair after one chemo treatment.

my hair this morning. minus my hat. by the way it has grown in so much since my last chemo on feb 9.

my pixie cut.

if you like my hair leave a little comment love. if you do not like it please do not leave a comment. 

it might hurt my feelings.