now its really done.

my mediport was taken out today. now they can not give me chemo even if they tried. i was real relaxed about the whole thing until we got to the hospital today and i realized it was surgery. not major surgery clearly, but still surgery. we did not plan this appointment very well since justin is out of town the next few days for work, so my friend allison came along. he hated that. not that allison came with me. he was thankful for that. but hated that he was not there. he has been pretty much unbelievable when it comes to my doctor appointments. barely missing a single appointment. he was a bit more nervous than me about this because i was so terribly sick when they put the mediport in back in august. but it went fine. once i realized it was surgery and wrapped my head around that. not sure how i thought they would be taking it out...but anyways we went to the hospital. sat in pre-op for about an hour. then went back to surgery. it was the same surgeons who had put the port in. they were all real excited to take it out and we celebrated the fact that i am cancer free one more time. it was nice. it was nice that they cared. the two residents said they remember me so clearly because they are both 27 years old so i sorta stuck out in their minds. and because justin and i looked so young in the midst of patients who tend to be much older than us. my nurse who was a kind older women took the time to talk with me for a bit about how cancer changed me. changed justin. our marriage. our lives. and all sorts of things i had learned. i really appreciated that. she is good at her job.

the port was removed just fine. i felt a little sick in recovery but came home and slept. the pain now is just in the area where my port was. it aches and stings. and i am exhausted. but i think its easier this time around because its the end. not the beginning. you can handle pain/discomfort a bit more when you know the cancer is gone and the long road is not ahead of you, but instead behind you. and how i pray. i pray so hard that i never have to go down that road again. so i am off to sleep. allison is staying the night just case. i know that makes justin feel better. and secretly me too.

today was just strange for me. its like it crept up on me. we have moved on in so many ways since hearing the news...cancer free. but today was just a little sad. it brought me back to august and how scared we were and how much that hospital...which once brought such joy when ava was born there, now makes me a little sad. and i would rather not go back. thankfully there are no plans to. its just a part of the whole process of life after cancer. you move forward then back a little. maybe just for today. i do not think i will be stuck in this sad place for more than a day or so. its just a small reminder that it will sneak up on us randomly. and that is okay. its just a part of it all. when i was wheeled out of surgery i looked around the corner...hoping...secretly hoping...justin would be there. he was not. and not because he did not want to be. he said about ten to twenty times..."i will stay libby. i promise nothing is more important than you. i will stay." but i told him to go and that i would fine. because i am fine. even when we were texting after my surgery he said it again..."you need me home?" i am okay. ava is okay. we have help. but i guess all i wanted to know was that he would drop it all. whatever it was to be with his family. and i know he would. so that is enough.

i will post pictures and the details of nyc tomorrow. i promise. and i am excited. wow. it was the trip of my dreams.