church.

i did not really go to church when i was sick. for lots of reasons. i think the last time i was at our church was christmas eve. for the christmas miracle. (i had just had chemo the day before and actually felt well enough to go to church and celebrate ava's first christmas. it was seriously a miracle). but today i went. just ava and me. justin was on his way home from kentucky. he flew there to surprise his dad for his dad's surprise birthday party. lots of surprises. and it sounds like it was a great party. sad i missed it.

i dropped ava off in nursery. she did great. but when i picked her up the women working there asked me if we had any pets at home. i said we don't...why? and she said oh, because ava kept going around to all the other kids and "petting" them. and that little pet turned into a little hit. not a total shocker. ava means well but she can quickly go from a soft touch to a rough little hit (or a rough little love tap). we are working on that. she just likes to touch people and wants to be friends. now maybe its just me but i sometimes get a little anxious in church wondering how ava is doing in nursery. she has not been around a lot of kids so i worry about how she is interacting.  although we have a little bit to work on i am thankful she did well.

but me on the other hand. i did not do so well in church. i cried. almost the entire time. while we were singing i could not keep myself composed. i just feel so deeply now about Christ and His love and His healing and His strength. i experienced Jesus in an entirely new way when i was sick. i now understand on a new level what it means...He is strong when i am weak. and i pray i never lose this new tender side of myself. and sometimes i am not tender. i can be feisty. i can say it like it is. i can be passive aggressive and sarcastic. those are still a part of me too, but now i carry a new sensitivity towards others and their pain. whether it be cancer or not. i was at a party last night for Young Lives (its young life but for teen mothers) and i was talking to a friend who i had not seen since we found out i was cancer free. and i was sharing things i had learned and one things seems to keep coming up when i share about how i am doing now. while i was sick it was tunnel vision. i had to endure it so i just did it. because i had to. but now i am beginning to process and really think about that fact that i had cancer. are you serious? i had cancer. me. really. cancer was in many ways an out of body experience. i felt often like i was outside of myself and watching it all happen...hence the out body experience.  but now i am able to really think about it and look back and see what we were going through. how it felt and what was hard and what was not that hard. but one thing is for sure i am very emotional about it all. and church this morning brought that out of me. i can not make it through a song without crying, its a little embarrassing. but mostly i am thankful. i am thankful that i understand the love of God in a more intimate and deeper way. i have wrote a lot about how cancer has changed me and this is one of those way.

yesterday i was feeling really discouraged about this blog and my writing. i have often felt since the cancer has been gone that its harder to write now. i have less to say. this blog originally started for one reason: to keep family and friends informed. but within days it took on a whole new purpose. it was providing justin and i with a place to share our hearts and process what was happening through cancer. i have always tried to remain true to those two things. even when the blog started to grow and more people were reading it i always asked justin to keep me in check and to read each post and be sure it remained true to who we are and what we are about. and that i would not write for a growing audience of friends, family, and mostly strangers, but remain true to one thing: to God be the glory...no matter what. and maybe that has not always happened but that was our heart and still is today. we just want to share our story and who God is because of it and in it. i said this from day one...we do not know why cancer is happening to us...but since we are not writing this story God is...we trust He wanted this part to be in ours. and now everything is not necessarily about cancer anymore. but at the same time its all about cancer now because of how it has impacted our hearts and our story. i think that is a part of what happens when something big occurs and everything changes. but its good. so good. so all of this to say is that just when i was feeling bummed and thinking that i really have nothing to share...this morning happens. and reminds me yet again how thankful i am that i was sick. i am better because of it. not always but hopefully most of the time.