i wrote this back in feburary after we found out my cancer was gone.
cancer is strange. i did not know i had cancer until they told me. so then i had cancer. beat cancer and now i do not have it anymore. its weird how you have cancer and then you just don't anymore. none of it is gradual. you do not get time to process it when you get it. you just get it. so you figure it out the best you can. and then one day you get a call and the same doctor that told you had cancer, tells you do not have it anymore. and just like you were numb when you found out you are numb a little to this news too. the words you had been praying for months and months...cancer free. well we are cancer free. but many people are not. cancer seems to be everywhere and that's probably because it is. i am much more aware of that now. and my heart hurts more than i thought it would. i think tragedy is when it (cancer, death, etc) happens when you least expect it. it is tragic because no one has time to prepare for it. it just happens. and then you are in go mode. tunnel vision. do what you need to do to survive. i think for me it was not all tunnel vision. i processed and shared my heart a lot when i was sick. i am not sick anymore. so trying to process this new chapter of life has proved to be challenging. i am thankful that life is returning to its new state of normalcy. i am still trying to figure out if what was normal before...is still our normal now. i am not totally sure yet. i sometimes think i try to figure things out oppose to just living and seeing what happens. its like i have to have an explanation for every thought and emotion. i am trying to work on that. especially when people ask me...how are you doing post cancer? i feel as if i am supposed to have this all figured out. life after being sick. but i do not have any of it figured out. i am just doing my best to get back into life in the best way i know how. sometimes it feels overwhelming and other times it feels like i was never sick at all. its a strange place to be. i just hope it gets a little easier.
and it is has gotten easier.
cancer is strange. i did not know i had cancer until they told me. so then i had cancer. beat cancer and now i do not have it anymore. its weird how you have cancer and then you just don't anymore. none of it is gradual. you do not get time to process it when you get it. you just get it. so you figure it out the best you can. and then one day you get a call and the same doctor that told you had cancer, tells you do not have it anymore. and just like you were numb when you found out you are numb a little to this news too. the words you had been praying for months and months...cancer free. well we are cancer free. but many people are not. cancer seems to be everywhere and that's probably because it is. i am much more aware of that now. and my heart hurts more than i thought it would. i think tragedy is when it (cancer, death, etc) happens when you least expect it. it is tragic because no one has time to prepare for it. it just happens. and then you are in go mode. tunnel vision. do what you need to do to survive. i think for me it was not all tunnel vision. i processed and shared my heart a lot when i was sick. i am not sick anymore. so trying to process this new chapter of life has proved to be challenging. i am thankful that life is returning to its new state of normalcy. i am still trying to figure out if what was normal before...is still our normal now. i am not totally sure yet. i sometimes think i try to figure things out oppose to just living and seeing what happens. its like i have to have an explanation for every thought and emotion. i am trying to work on that. especially when people ask me...how are you doing post cancer? i feel as if i am supposed to have this all figured out. life after being sick. but i do not have any of it figured out. i am just doing my best to get back into life in the best way i know how. sometimes it feels overwhelming and other times it feels like i was never sick at all. its a strange place to be. i just hope it gets a little easier.
and it is has gotten easier.
Interesting. I have never thought about it that way, but it's so true.
ReplyDeleteyou're right, you are never prepared for it. My dad was diagnosed with stage 4 lymphoma June 2010 and passed away in August 2010. It happened so quickly. I don't think I processed any of it until recently. My family was definitely not prepared for it, but who is really? I'm a new reader, and I'm glad I found your blog. In a way it helps me cope. I'm so happy that you are cancer free!
ReplyDeleteWow. Interesting. And yes, cancer is everywhere. You give folks with cancer, and those who love them hope.
ReplyDeleteErin
www.erintagledesign.com
Libby, I came across your blog a few weeks ago and read everything from start to finish in about two days. I am so lifted by your strength and your love for your family and God. Your words have really had an impact on me, even though I am not a victim of cancer. And I think that is why. And the fact that your blog has become such a success really shows what a witness to God that you and your family are. I can't even begin to comprehend the feelings you've experienced since the beginning of your journey with cancer and now the new one without, but you do a great job expressing them on your blog. grammar and all :)
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteI found your site by the Grace of God. I hate Cancer. My Dad died from it 4 yrs ago. I am still at the he had cancer and died why stage. Thank you for showing me hope when someone is diagnosed, healed, and progressing. I was at a stage where I didn't believe that was possible. Following your Blog has made me reach for stages of grief that I didn't know existed. Big hugs. Prayers for you from me. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteLife hasn't really been normal since you first started having pain, even before the diagnosis. Life now that you are cancer free will never be the same as pre-cancer. You and Justin have grown as a couple. You have grown as Christians. You have redefined many of your friendships. There is a new normal waiting for you. Praise God!
ReplyDeleteYou say you read and cherish your comments -- so here goes. I was pointed to your blog from a dear aunt who lives in VA. You see, my husband's twin sister (we have lovingly invented ourselves as twin-laws) was diagnosed with Stage 4 colon cancer three weeks ago. She's 34. 8 year old son, 2 year old daughter. And while I have clicked and clicked through your blog over the past couple of days, reading this particular post put into words the bizarre mode we have been in since.
ReplyDeleteHer prognosis is daunting, her chemo will be intense, aggressive and will last for many, many months before they even entertain radiation or surgery. But stories of healing and hope help me put one foot in front of the other right now. And for now, that's all we can do.
I loved your Team Libby bracelets -- we set up an online store with "team" shirts and have been utterly humbled by the outpouring of support and kindness from family, friends and strangers. No matter that they live in a tiny town in rural America, we have sold almost 400 shirts in 10 days that will hopefully serve as a reminder that they are loved and prayed for and held tightly by everyone they know.
My sis-in-law's faith is ever stronger, her will to fight fierce. But it's hard, so hard. Overwhelming and daunting. Thank you for a glimmer of hope in a time that we need it most. Blessings and thanks to you, your husband and your sweet baby girl.