my hat.

the plan was to burn it. but i can not seem to get myself to do it. ava loves it. i guess it reminds her of me. but it reminds me of cancer. so maybe we will save it or maybe we won't. not sure yet. when i was driving home from my hair cut i called my sister and she told me find a bridge (chesapeake has a lot of bridges) and throw that hat as far as i could into the water. but i have not done that yet. maybe we will one day. at my one anniversary of being cancer free. or not. i am slightly indecisive. but mostly it does not matter. its just a hat. but for me it represents so much more. the loss of my hair. my long precious hair. the embarrassment. the insecurity. the fear of ava pulling it off or the wind blowing it away. because then everything i was trying to hide would be revealed. ava did pull it off in front me people. and i would get a little red and without making eye contact put it back on my head while acting cool. i look back and think who cares? but at the time i cared so much. i hated how i looked when i was sick. because i was sick. pumped full of poisonous drugs. as i am writing i am shocked of how much this hat impacted me during cancer. even though it maybe was not really the hat. i think because i do not need to wear it anymore that i realize how much it was dragging me down. but now i feel more confident. i think i look more like myself as the drugs have left my body. pretty soon all that will physically remind me of cancer are my scars. my two little scars. one from my biopsy and one from my medi port. but i can handle scars. (sara i think we need that little bee quote back up for this post) when my port was removed they gave me recommendations for plastic surgeons to help with my scars. i thought please...these are with me forever. they are a part of my story and i like that. 

a few weekends back when the girls were here they did some crafts. some of the girls are crafty and they painted rocks. we have a ton of rocks all around our house and near the water. the painted rocks are now scattered randomly amidst the others. when i was cleaning up after they left and as i was wiping the dresser off i put that rock on my hat. not thinking anything of it. my hat had not been put away, burned, or thrown off a bridge yet because it was just a day after the pixie cut. the rock and the hat stayed there for at least a week. i would randomly glance at it while walking out the door and think...yup it is finished. cancer is done. and as a follower of christ i of course think about the significance of...it is finished. jesus' last words on the cross as he died. for us. for me and for you. we are free because he bore the burden. the cross changed everything. i liked seeing that hat on the dresser not on my head. it was a good reminder that those days have passed and new fresh cancer free days are ahead. funny how a simple hat and a little rock can stand for so much. but it does.

*time for a new header picture. minus the hat and sporting the pixie. i need my sister sara to live closer.