why we do what we do.

disclaimer. this might be a little heavy for some of you.

i have thought a lot about that this week. the whole why we do what we do. mostly in the context of leading young life. basically you walk through life with high school and middle school students. its more than mentoring or being a role model because its all about jesus. building relationships with students and earning the right to be heard by going to where they are. not just inviting them to an "event" on a certain night and then not seeing them again until the following "event". its about doing life with students. going to games, out to eat, getting coffee, etc. or in my case having girls over to the house because its a lot easier with little ava.


when you decide to lead young life you are deciding to go through life with students. making the team, getting cut from the team, passing the test, failing the test, new relationships and break ups. you sign for it all and sometimes it gets heavy. divorce, addiction, cutting, suicide, and unexpected deaths. you experience the joys of life and the heartaches of life. sometimes its so good. and sometimes its hard and you feel unprepared, inadequate. unsure. nervous, fearful. but its always worth it. because you know you are not alone. you are not in this battle by yourself. do not forget it.


i just got home from our friend helen's memorial service. although i did not know helen for a very long time or even very well. we shared a few things in common but mostly our bond was cancer. we went through treatment at similar times and she was an incredible encouragement to me. she joked with me back in august that maybe we would be chemo buddies. but that ended up not being the case. so we emailed and shared our hearts and our pain. she even bought me my wig. she sent me an email after reading the blog where i said i was more of a scarf girl. she said that maybe i would want a wig for quick running to the store and not wanting the attention that a bald head and scarf can bring. i ended up not needing my wig. but for some reason because a fellow cancer patient offered to buy my wig  meant so much to me. she decided to shave her head when she started treatment and after she saw me in church one sunday and later emailed me...your hair still looks so good! I am jealous. funny what you become jealous of in cancer. but it made me laugh. i have re-read most our emails as i am writing this. (i just went back and read every email we exchanged. helen is a better person than me. she wrote such long beautiful emails and mine were short with bad grammar and zero punctuation. i am thankful for her. more than i even realized. i was going through my own treatment and overwhelmed with life. but she always seemed to stay in touch. i love that. says so much about her character). i just appreciate that while she was in the midst of her own fight. she entered into mine and me into hers. i like that. the last personal email i received from helen was on march 13. she had sent out a mass email and i responded with this:

Helen.

My heart hurts. I am in nyc with justin celebrating life without cancer and am sitting in a cab reading your email. I can not help but wonder why certain stories...though similar can be so different. The ryder family is praying for a miracle. I will begin mailing cards to update you on our life and ava and what my future holds as a wife and mother...its a new brighter season for me. But praying for your pain...chemo is so so sucky...we love you and I would love love love to care for you and your daughters in however I can...xoxo. praying...love libby

she responded thirty minutes later with this:

Libby, enjoy your time in New York!  I’m glad that you and Justin were able to take that trip.  Please don’t feel too sad for me; it has taken a long time to get here (and I certainly haven’t fully arrived yet), but I do have a peace about what God is doing in my life.  His will is perfect, and though I still don’t fully know what His will is, He has brought me to a place of acceptance.  If His choice for me is that I go home to be with Him, I welcome my future in glory!

 Looking forward to hearing more about your life—struggles and joys.

 Love you,

 H.

it was incredible. in the midst of sadness and tears there was so much hope. because for followers of christ death is not the end. its the beginning. her husband wrote this in the email that was sent to inform people of her death.

We are writing to say that Helen passed on out of her pain this morning very early. She died quickly and with no suffering, something she prayed for earnestly, something that her Father in His mercy granted her. She had prayed recently--and asked many of you to pray--that there would be a way to manage her pain and give her some relief from the physical suffering she was in, and God answered her prayer.  She is not suffering any more, nor will she ever suffer again. And we are trying to count this all joy.

i understand why death is such a scary thing if you are not sure what's next. or where you are going. or what your life is about. christ is for everyone. no matter how broken and messed up you might think you are. in christphilippians 1:21...for to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain. wrap your head around that?

as i was sitting in the service today i could not help but think about my own life. my own death someday. what would my funeral be like? what would people say? what would people say about you? my deepest desire is that people would see christ in how i live. it was so clear in helen's life. it was all over the service. in the songs. when people spoke. including her four children. the scriptures. the heart of the entire service was indeed recognizing the immense pain and loss in helen's death. but more than that it was about celebrating helen and rejoicing that she is with her heavenly father and free of pain in paradise. it was beautiful. praying for her family and those close to sweet helen.

back to young life. i mentioned the death of a young middle school girl named kelly. she was 13. she dropped her cell phone in the street and when she ran back to pick it up she was hit. it hurts to type it. i did not know here or her sweet older sister katy. but i learned throughout our cancer that some of the most incredible love and support came from strangers. yesterday a lot of kelly's friends were all together at a friend's house and some of katy's friends came too. just so people could be together. to cry and hug. provide some sort of comfort. then to eat, laugh, and just not be alone. it was incredible to be there for a little bit with ava running around. thank you for those of you that cared for her and made sure she did not fall down the steps. there is nothing like watching other people love your baby. but when we were there i could not stop thinking...this is why we do what we do...as young life and wyld life leaders (middle school young life) we rally around our friends when things happen. sad things. there is nothing much to say so instead lee made milkshakes for everyone. they ate pizza. they sat together in a big room and cried and shared memories and wrote letters to kelly. celebrating her life in the midst of pain. deep pain where we often ask why? and that's okay. i do not know why kelly died. or why helen died. or why i got cancer. or why anything horrible happens. i do not specifically know why. but i do know that we live in a broken fallen world that God never intended for it to be this way. what he created was perfect and we messed it up. not him. it was us. but my prayer. my deep prayer is that the Lord will provide a peace. a peace that passes all understand to those literally crippled by kelly's death. and helen's. we are not alone. we may feel like it sometimes. but we are never alone. today a friend of helen's shared a story where helen said something like this...i am a tree. with deep roots and i am planted by the streams of living water. i will not be moved. her faith in Jesus Christ was unwavering.  

as a young life leader. i know that i signed up for the joy of life with students and heartache of life with students. i know that i will go to weddings. but also some funerals. and that is hard to think about it. this week has been emotional. beginning to realize my own doubts and insecurities that were magnified through helen's death. will my cancer come back? i think about that. not everyday but some days. i try to cling to what is true and for today i am cancer free. so i rest in that.


death is sad and hard and difficult to understand. but thankfully i know that death is not the end. but only the beginning of life. the life we were always meant to live.

we sang the song "on jordan's stormy banks i stand." i love the chorus. with the echo. gosh, its good.

i am bound, i am bound

 i am bound for the promised land

i am bound, i am bound

i am bound for the promised land.

why do you do what you do?