Monday, November 1, 2010

another side effect of chemo...maybe

i have gained weight. about ten pounds. and i am not sure if it has anything to do with cancer or everything to do with cancer. but either way i am ten pounds heavier. people have been real nice about it though. with some select people i have mentioned this fact. not sure why. almost like i want to mention it before they think in their head...oh, libby has gained a little weight. and they are kind because they step back and say...you have not. you look great. and it is very nice of them. oppose to them saying...yup, you sure have put on a few. but the reality is i have gained ten pounds. and because it is winterish here in chesapeake i can hide it with jackets and over sized sweaters. and not to mention the fact that i live in comfy pants. i can not keep enough clean. its not that ten pounds is really that big of a deal. but i did have an eating disorder for most of high school and college and therefore i am a little insecure when it comes to my weight. so i decided at our last appointment to ask my doctor about it. and he of course said it could be lots of things...chemo. my metabolism slowing down. stress. not being as active (that is for sure). anyways i think secretly i was looking for him to blame it all on cancer. that would make me feel better. but really its so hard because i am constantly nauseous. so i will eat something hoping that will help. well it doesn't most of the time. so i try something else. or i will go a few days without really eating and then its like for the next few days i make up for lost time. now i do understand that now is maybe not the time to worry about it. considering my body is trying to fight a disease that is inside me. its more or less needing to process this out. like how its making me feel. i mean there is no way around it...its a bummer when your favorite jeans are just a little bit too tight. that's it. that bums me out. and i am trying to eat healthy. i swear. and i do joke about it because its just easier that way. but honestly in my heart its hard. i am already a little insecure about my hair thinning. i lost a ton yesterday in the shower and cried the whole time. not just about my hair...i had just watched a you tube video from blacksburg young life and that started the tears. but its just hard when your insecurities come to the surface and you have to face them. and my weight has always been that for me. so instead of just talking about with my sisters and complaining i think i will start running. but i am not a runner. never have been. not even for one day. and justin even said to the doctor...i have never seen her run a day in her life (its true). so out of feisty-ness i am going to start running. so i say to justin this weekend all i want for my birthday is a jogging stroller. maybe if i have a jogging stroller i will run. we will see. so today because i do not have a jogger yet i take ava for a walk. in my head i had mapped out where i wanted to walk with her. well we only made it half way. and i was only walking! but seriously i was exhausted. not lazy at all. honestly. i have never known exhaustion like this. i mean i can walk. i have always been capable of that...not sure what the deal was today. i will try again tomorrow. but i still want a jogger stroller from justin. if we get it off craigslist and i only end up using it a few times i will not feel as bad about it. and all this to say maybe i will deal with my weight gain after chemotherapy...that's a thought. and also real thankful that i am not bald yet. totally thought i would be by now.

28 comments:

  1. Libby, you're a beautiful person! It's natural to look at the outside but you're right, it's only temporary. Just like the sickness, pain, fear, etc...keep plugging. You can do this!!!! Your hair will grow back and any extra pounds can be lost.

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  2. I think all women are insecure about their weight in some way. And, Libby, you are so gorgeous. Balding or weight gain isn't going to change that. Your love for Christ shows through everything and that makes you even more beautiful.
    So, if you want to run...run. But you'll always remain beautiful:) Love you Lib. Hang in there.

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  3. I am sure this is so very hard on you. I can relate to your insecurities and I'm sure that battling cancer isn't helping. You are an amazing woman - and weight nor hair will change that. Keep fighting, Libby!

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  4. oh honey..it's normal to worry about weight. and of course your beautiful hair. this is part of why cancer is so hard. because it challenges you in ways that are hard to face.
    focus on healing. and focus on what makes you feel good. remember to keep balanced. we're thinking of you!

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  5. Honey, don't worry about your weight. I know, easier said than done...I have ALWAYS worried about my weight, but you are beautiful and I have been praying for you! Ten pounds is nothin'! Hang in there. :)Much love and prayers from Phoenix!

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  6. Baby,
    I would love to get you a jogging stroller. You are beautiful to me.

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  7. always have been, always will be--beautiful.

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  8. I gained weight during my chemo as well, about 20 pounds. Remember that you are at the beginning of all of this. Remember that nausea is a problem for you (it was not for me...) By the time that this is all said and done, you might be very glad that you had those extra pounds. That is much better than losing weight and being frail and weak. And hair grows back. For all my dreading, when the time came, I just got up early, went into the bathroom and shaved my head. I remember looking into my own eyes in the mirror and thinking, 'Other people lose way more than their hair.' and I realized that this was true. Suddenly hair did not seem like a big deal to me any more. Just take one step at a time, and you'll find yourself going where God intends you to go.

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  9. Libby,
    I know you may not believe this but my favorite jeans are a little tight. A few extra pounds is OK for you right now...much better than losing. Miss you all...kiss Ava for me.

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  10. Libby,
    if you gain weight it makes me believe a little bit more that I can gain weight and that I cant let it get between me and Jesus. it reminds me that this body won't last me. that its worth investing a little in but not everything. If you didn't have an eating disorder when you were young, you couldn't have helped carry me last year. jesus works in mysterious ways..making beauty out of the mud of our lives. you give me courage libs. I want to be just like you. (well really I actually want to be just like jesus but you look a whole lot like jesus to me)

    Krystal

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  11. I don't know you but I read your blog almost everyday and it just overwhelms me to see how God encourages you through other people in small but mighty ways. It's amazing to see such strong community surrounding you even though you haven't even met some of the people who write to you. I can see God's glory shining through this situation and I know you and your family are bringing him so much joy during this time in your life. Thank you for being a light to so many people, including me!

    Praying for you in Kentucky.

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  12. I think you look great. Also, when my sister-in-law was going through chemo for lymphoma she did gain weight, but once she was done with treatment she lost is pretty quickly.

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  13. libby the whole weight thing is something all women think about. just last week at bible study we all made comments about not liking our bodies. give yourself a break you are going through a lot right now. you are young and the weight will come off easily after treatment when you feel more energy. take a walk and remember that walking is good for you too. if you are going slow (walking as opposed to running) you can enjoy the beauty of life around you. kim-brookside crc, gr mi

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  14. Libby, I just finished 18 weeks of chemo (for breast cancer) & I, too, gained weight. It's so frustrating because right now, you have so little control over what your body does ... and I don't think you can control it at all. I've started walking again since I've finished chemo, trying to build back up ... and you're right, it's all I can do to finish half of what I used to walk. Please don't be discouraged. I think it's important to have realistic expectations, and I think this is just part of it. I did the same thing when I was feeling sick, I'd eat one thing thinking it would help & it didn't, so then I'd eat something else ... I think right now, you just do what you have to do to get through this part of it. You're gorgeous, and your body is going thru total trauma on the inside right now, so please don't be hard on yourself. Keep your eyes on Jesus & on the light at the end of the tunnel ... you will get through this.

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  15. I gained 12lbs during my chemo...and was so sad about it. I was proud of myself for losing all my baby weight...then chemo came and ruined that! Don't worry...no one is looking at your weight right now. Embrace it...I know A LOT easier said than done! I used to just stand in teh mirror and laugh...bald head, THIN brows and blubber...haha what to do but laugh and be happy that your alive and able to see your lil one grow and thrive!
    PS. You look GREAT in that Halloween pic! Cancer can't stand a chance w/ you!!!
    pss. Don't push yourself with the running...wouldn't wanna end up in the hospital!

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  16. I have a friend going through treatments for brain cancer right now and she was just talking about how all various medications she is on to fight her disease have "gifted" her an additional 10 pounds. You are a beautiful person, inside and out! Look at all your support. I had an eating disorder as a teen as well, so insecurities especially in the female population are huge! No worries. In God's eyes you are PERFECT! :) And those 10 pounds will come off!!! Give it time. And, maybe start by just walking! You would be amazed at how much BETTER walking is for you than running. Running wears on all your joints and bones, it's very harsh. I have a feeling right now, that you have to be extra careful doing everything. Get the jogging stroller and take some nice walkes with Ava. Talk about the trees and the birds and the sidewalks and the cars, everything you see with her. It will be good therapy and a good way for her to learn some new words! And, I agree with what Erin said above! 100%!!!!!

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  17. Hey Libby, I just mentioned to Laura Wright that I have a single Jeep jogging stroller, I used it with Maddux a lot but I don't use it anymore, that you can have if you would like it:) I can send it down with Laura and Cliff the next time they come down. I used it a lot for taking walks, I can't run, too many ACL surgeries:) It even has the capability to hook an ipod or something in as well:) you are truely an inspiration to us all:)
    Sarah Rothell

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  18. Libby,

    I came across your blog randomly as I just started my own and cancer was the main reason why I started it. I lost my mom when I was 16 to cancer, a couple years later I lost my aunt to it, and then last month I lost my 2nd aunt to it. You have no idea how much I enjoy reading your blog and how inspirational you are. Trust me when I say it will serve a wonderful purpose in the years to come.. If you want to follow me - www.lovenotesinabox.blogspot.com

    ~Katie

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  19. Libby ... you are beautiful, just go easy on yourself God's grace and mercy will surely help you through all the cancer issues...

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  20. THROW OUT THE SCALE AND INVEST IN MORE COMFY PANTS - I THINK YOU WILL BE HAPPY YOU HAVE THAT EXTRA WEIGHT WHEN THE GOING GETS A LITTLE TOUGHER. MOST LIKELY, YOU WILL START LOSING AGAIN.
    I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL - BUT BEAUTY COMES FROM WITHIN, LIBBY. YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL!!

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  21. Libby, I just saw you and didn't notice that you've gained a pound! You look fabulous, just glad that you are up and about. I agree with Lori, throw out the scales!

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  22. I can relate to you about being insecure whenever I gain wait! Hang in there and trust that God is changing your body in perfectly planned ways! You're beautifying of your love for Christ. Keep turning to Him with any insecurities!

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  23. I meant to say "beautiful bc of your love for Christ" haha stupid auto correct.

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  24. you are beautiful Libby.... and whether you get a jogging stroller to turn into a runner or not, you'll still loving having that stroller! lol Good luck with the new challenge, and take it easy... don't start out with too much too quick!

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  25. Hi Libby! I just wanted to let you know that I read your blog every day and your family is always in my thoughts and prayers! I am so encouraged by your strength and your honesty! Just remember soo many people are behind you in this fight! I also thought you might like this link .. http://prayfordaisy.com/ it is a little girl's story in California. She is fighting cancer as well, and her father is a pastor and just talks about how much the Lord is with them throughout the whole process. Stay strong and remember you are loved!!

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  26. Remember when you were pregnant and proud of your changing body? Resting when you could because you were supposed to? Trusting the process, not fighting it or being embarrassed that you weren't getting done what others could do? Enjoying the season because you knew it would end very soon? That's kinda where you are now, but not for a happy reason. Be proud of your changing body because it means you're a fighter, and it's better than looking emaciated. And we're all looking forward to seeing you ROCK THAT WIG!
    Btw: I'm not very busy right now and am embarrassed for people to know how very little I "get done" during the day too. I don't have cancer though, so I just blame facebook! :) (hope you're laughing!)
    Kristy

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  27. I am a 13 year old girl and I stared to read your blog in about two weeks ago. Libby, you have shown me to live for Jesus and trust him no matter what.
    I love your family so much and God has really big plans for your family.
    I will be praying for you guys and you guys don't know how proud I am of you.
    Keep fighting and don't give up:)
    Love, Meribeth

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  28. Libby, Walking sounds like a lot better idea than running right now. Remember though when you are planning your trip that you must have the energy to get home. After the experience you had with this trip, maybe establish a shorter course, if you feel strong after the first trip, make a second lap. Even with walking the new stroller sounds fun.


    As alway you, Justin and Ava are in my prayers.

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