Wednesday, November 3, 2010
no title today. could not think of one. so instead i will just write about today and my heart and how i am doing. justin said to me this morning that he wants to hear more from me about how i am doing...more of my heart he said. so i said...stuck in the house, lonely, and tired. stuck in the house because his car is getting repaired and he is using my car so i am car less for the week. and the lonely is really my fault. and the tired. well that is because i am chronically tired. and to all of you cancer patient, fighters, and survivors i commend you for working and raising a fmaily while being sick. i do not know how you do it. but i applaud you. the more and more chemo effects me the more and more i realize how thankful i am that i am able to stay home full time with ava. thanks justin for making it possible. i love being home with her. she is my little partner. it is nice to be in my comfy pants and my robe all day if i want to. but sometimes i get sad about it. like i have nothing to do except keep ava alive and maybe do some laundry. which is sitting in a pile in the hallway. i like the laundry in the machine part. but not the folding and put away part. but in the midst of my own thoughts i struggle with not having a lot to do and not rushing around and having all this stuff going on. i mean i for sure could think of some things i would like to do and then go do that. and usually i do when i feel up for it. but since i do not have a car this week i have thought a lot about how i spend my time. and how i often times find my worth in how much i do. or how many different things i have going on. like its embarrassing to say to someone who you know is super busy...well today i am not doing anything but caring for ava, reading, laundry, and napping if i get a chance. and by the way of course i will "get the chance" to sleep. i try and sleep with ava does. and i am backspacing a lot while i write this because i secretly do not want anyone to know that i am not that busy. but i want to remember this day and how i feel and what is going on in my heart. and my heart is tired. and i want to rest. i want to take this season in and not miss it. i am so accustom to moving through my day from one thing to the next and in some strange way finding my identity in that. which is a lie. i know my worth is not found in anything of this world. but i struggle with that lie. i battle back and forth in my head about it. but since i got sick my prayer was that i would take this season. this cancer season and be still. not miss a second of it. but take time to read. i love to read. and rest. for the first time in a long time. maybe ever. to really rest and allow my body to fight. to fight this cancer real hard. and so far according to my PET scan its working. so i will try to ignore that little voice in my head that tells me i am lazy and i should do more and keep busy. and instead rest. in whatever way that looks like for me. and cherish these days with ava. that i hear go by real fast and try in the midst of it all to see this as a gift. some of the people i love the most have a lot going on and i feel like i can only really see it now because i am not running crazy busy alongside them. but instead i am the one when asked...what are you doing tomorrow? i sometimes reply with..."well nothing". and i am trying to be okay with that. i also realized that i am my own worst enemy and hardest on me. but i think we all do that. and its silly. and its a lie. so today i will be thankful that i do not really feel like i have cancer today. i only know i do because i am still in my comfy pants and rode and about to read my nook to help me fall asleep while ava naps. and that this...my internal battle about how i spend my time...is all okay.