Wednesday, November 3, 2010
no title today. could not think of one. so instead i will just write about today and my heart and how i am doing. justin said to me this morning that he wants to hear more from me about how i am doing...more of my heart he said. so i said...stuck in the house, lonely, and tired. stuck in the house because his car is getting repaired and he is using my car so i am car less for the week. and the lonely is really my fault. and the tired. well that is because i am chronically tired. and to all of you cancer patient, fighters, and survivors i commend you for working and raising a fmaily while being sick. i do not know how you do it. but i applaud you. the more and more chemo effects me the more and more i realize how thankful i am that i am able to stay home full time with ava. thanks justin for making it possible. i love being home with her. she is my little partner. it is nice to be in my comfy pants and my robe all day if i want to. but sometimes i get sad about it. like i have nothing to do except keep ava alive and maybe do some laundry. which is sitting in a pile in the hallway. i like the laundry in the machine part. but not the folding and put away part. but in the midst of my own thoughts i struggle with not having a lot to do and not rushing around and having all this stuff going on. i mean i for sure could think of some things i would like to do and then go do that. and usually i do when i feel up for it. but since i do not have a car this week i have thought a lot about how i spend my time. and how i often times find my worth in how much i do. or how many different things i have going on. like its embarrassing to say to someone who you know is super busy...well today i am not doing anything but caring for ava, reading, laundry, and napping if i get a chance. and by the way of course i will "get the chance" to sleep. i try and sleep with ava does. and i am backspacing a lot while i write this because i secretly do not want anyone to know that i am not that busy. but i want to remember this day and how i feel and what is going on in my heart. and my heart is tired. and i want to rest. i want to take this season in and not miss it. i am so accustom to moving through my day from one thing to the next and in some strange way finding my identity in that. which is a lie. i know my worth is not found in anything of this world. but i struggle with that lie. i battle back and forth in my head about it. but since i got sick my prayer was that i would take this season. this cancer season and be still. not miss a second of it. but take time to read. i love to read. and rest. for the first time in a long time. maybe ever. to really rest and allow my body to fight. to fight this cancer real hard. and so far according to my PET scan its working. so i will try to ignore that little voice in my head that tells me i am lazy and i should do more and keep busy. and instead rest. in whatever way that looks like for me. and cherish these days with ava. that i hear go by real fast and try in the midst of it all to see this as a gift. some of the people i love the most have a lot going on and i feel like i can only really see it now because i am not running crazy busy alongside them. but instead i am the one when asked...what are you doing tomorrow? i sometimes reply with..."well nothing". and i am trying to be okay with that. i also realized that i am my own worst enemy and hardest on me. but i think we all do that. and its silly. and its a lie. so today i will be thankful that i do not really feel like i have cancer today. i only know i do because i am still in my comfy pants and rode and about to read my nook to help me fall asleep while ava naps. and that this...my internal battle about how i spend my time...is all okay.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
It's funny how Satan can work on us isn't it? While I am not fighting cancer nor do I know the exhaustion and sickness that come with cancer, I do know the battle to which you are referring. I'm a SAHM and mucho pregnant with my second babe, and I often succumb to the lie of finding my identity in what I do. Because while being a SAHM is hard stinking hard work, sometimes we have down days. But really I was like this before marriage and children too but you never had to fight the lie because you could just 'do'. Now when we must sit, it's hard not to think about doing. Even when you have won the battle of cancer and are well and know what 'normal' feels like again, you might still have days like this where you question "is taking care of Ava enough? Is being a noble wife enough? Is sitting at Jesus feet and being Mary instead of Martha enough?" And our KING OF KINGS and Lord of Lords will remind us then, that yes, it is. Because our identity is in Him and we are precious in his eyes not because of what we do, but how we do it - all for his glory. I am reading this short book called The Practice of the Presence of God by Brother Lawrence. I just bought it and it's really helping me know that our doing is for the love of God and nothing else. Even if that is sleeping while our babies do (which I am about to do on the couch for a nap) and sitting to play and pray over them ALL DAY LONG. I love this post Libby. Thank you for sharing your heart today. I resonate with you very much :)
ReplyDeleteYour an amazing mom and need your rest! Praying for you!!!!
ReplyDeleteYou deserve to rest. You deserve to have days that you spend just taking care of Ava and napping. You continue to amaze me everyday. Cherish your moments at home with you precious girl and don't feel bad about "doing nothing." That laundry can wait! And, as a comment to your last post, I think you are gorgeous and your heart and personality are so gorgeous that ten pounds will certainly go unnoticed! In fact, have you had a pumpkin spiced frappuccino from Starbucks? They are amazing and may be similar to something you might get at Dunkin. You deserve one of those, too! You should try one if you haven't already! Thanks for sharing your journey with us daily. It is an inspiration. Praying from KY!
ReplyDeleteOh Libby, you certainly shouldn't feel guilty for staying at home and "just" taking care of Ava. I wasn't sick and stayed home with my babies until they were in kindergarten. It is OK to do "nothing." More of us should do just that...take the time to see and appreciate what is around us. Enjoy the time that you have, especially the time that you don't feel sick...embrace it and never feel bad that you aren't doing something.
ReplyDeleteI'm sure you would wish nothing but rest upon anyone else in your shoes. How come we're much harder on ourselves than we are on others??!!
ReplyDeleteLibby, I've lurked on your blog for several weeks without commenting (just to preface this), and this post reminds me of a friend who had breast cancer a couple of years ago. I went to her house a while after she had finished chemo -- I don't even think I called first because I was just going to drop off a little gift. But she invited me in, and I talked to her and her family for at least an hour. I was in a pretty busy season of life then, and I was really struck by how willing she was to drop what she was doing and spend time with me. I still think that is just a beautiful way to show love to someone -- to have time for them, NOT to be too busy for them. I understand the need to stay busy (maybe to prove to ourselves that we're important? maybe that's just me), but I pray that you would see the stillness you have right now as a beautiful thing!
ReplyDeletehey libby- i went to poquoson and was in YL there and leslie told me about you. just wanted to say you are amazing and quite the inspiration. i've gone through some very tough times in my life, but you remind me that there is always more. so thank you. just wanted to say being a stay home is great. my mom stayed at home until this past year when all of us were at college. looking back i love the fact that my mom was always there for me and my brothers. i know ava will love having you there especially as she gets older. just enjoy your time together, because now that i am away at college i sometimes wish my mom was here just so i could hang out with her or she could make me dinner. cherish it. it sure goes by wayyy too fast. Sending love and prayers from Purdue.
ReplyDeleteWe have been a one car family for most of this year. It has been hard bc I too am a "doer". God definitely taught me patience and to slow down. Now with my car back, it is nice because I don't feel like I have to run and "do" all this stuff all day long. It can wait. :) I pray for you and your family daily...and often with Inara. :)
ReplyDeleteHey Libby, It's Sara's cousin, Jennifer. Still following along in your journey and loving that you are sharing with us. You've taught me a thing or two along the way, all the while reminding me to cherish life.
ReplyDeleteJust wanted to say that I totally feel you on the busy thing. I stay home with my son most of the week, and I definitely would say I place value in how busy I am or what I accomplish in a day. I think it's tough when you're use to working a "job" and then you switch gears to raising a child (which is a lot of "work"!). I think you'll find a balance and do what makes you feel comforatble as far as the "checklist" but also getting the rest you need to heal. You are not lazy, Mamma. There will be plenty of time for name-calling once you've kicked this cancer to the curb. :)
Keep your chin up, you're doing a great job. In Mammahood and with this cancer nonsense.
Way to keep it real.
ReplyDeleteCarley
I love this post, and I think it is NOT about being sick, or even being a stay at home mom. We can stay at home being busy as bees, or we can work outside the home and be lazy...but really, you've touched on some deep issues, of where we find our worth. I am so thankful for my mom who is an "at rest" kind of woman. I'm sure there is laziness tucked in there, but really what SHINES in her life is her PRESENT, in the moment living. She has no agenda, but to live the moment. That kind of living is largely rejected by us, but it is SO healthy, and I've learned that by watching her. I do not know anyone more spiritually healthy than her. I have to take note of that, even when I do not want to.
ReplyDeleteSo...be still, and keep telling us about it. You are NOT lazy!!!! Thanks for sharing these thoughts, Libby.
This is a great post, well-written! I plan to republish it on Monday, Nov 8, for readers of Being Cancer Network. I will include two links to your blog as well as a link to the original post. You should see an increase in traffic to your site. Keep up your health and your writing.
ReplyDeleteTake care, Dennis
Thank you for sharing your story! I started reading your blog through some YL friends and love your insight and wisdom. My mom is battling cancer and is at chemo as I post this... your words are an encouragement to me as I watch and support her through this time. And I LOVE this post about our need to feel busy. I too have to remind myself that it is okay to stop and rest. I think that our culture tells us to find worth in busy schedules and filling every moment but often we can hear God the best when we clear out our lives of all that extra stuff. He says... be STILL and know that I am God...
ReplyDeleteThanks again for all that you share!