the past few days i have been feeling good. pretty much like myself. but i am so exhausted. but its strange because its not like i always need to sleep. its like i do not have the energy to real be present with people. and invest in people. and really be available. and be like myself. that is hard for me. thankful that i do feel good. just hard that i feel like this. not one hundred percent. i realize its normal. and its part of the deal with cancer. its just difficult to accept the fact that i can not live my life at the pace i am used to. it many ways its a gift. and i am thankful for it. but other times i am secretly annoyed with myself. i for sure have an internal battle going on. i went out for dinner on thursday with four girls that mean a lot me. i have not spent time with them in a while and i was so thankful the last minute dinner plans came together so well. but as i thought about that night with them i thought a lot about how i acted. and how different i felt. i guess i am different. not in a bad way. i sometimes feel distracted when ava is with me because i could not ask them all about their lives. and how they are doing. and what's hard in their lives. and what is joyful. and how they are growing in christ. and what is new with school, friends, and boys. i just sometimes feel "off." mostly i just feel less engaged and i hate it because that is not my heart. its not a reflection of who i am and how much i love them. but maybe for right now that is okay? or maybe its not. i am not sure. but either way it is what it is. and life is about seasons i think. and this season just looks a little different for me. that's all.
enjoy the party sweet ella. have a berry good time! baby ava loves you.
You know Libby, I'll bet the girls didn't notice a bit of difference in you. I'm sure that they were just glad that you were feeling well enough to spend a little time with them. Good to see you out and about. And yes, you don't feel like yourself, but I will say that having a 10 month old will change your focus too. Don't be so hard on yourself. You are doing a GREAT job.
ReplyDeleteJust showing up to dinner shows your heart and that you care!
ReplyDeleteLibby,
ReplyDeleteI know EXACTLY how you feel! I am on my second dose of chemo for DM and the fatigue is just terrible! I am a bubbly hyper person by nature and I just always feel so exhausted but pumped up at the same time from all the steroids it is a crazy mix I tell ya! So when I do feel well I just don't feel like myself and I worry I am not focusing more on my friends and their lives and families and I always ask about them and talk I just don't feel like me! Then I prayed about it and realized they are my friends, they understand, they love me, they are here for me through good times and bad, I don't have to explain they just know and are ok with me how I am now, although I don't like it, right now it is my normal, like it is your normal....a friend a dear friend who is only 16 with cancer found this and put it on her blog and it made me cry but it is so true and I thought I would share it with you,
I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them and each day I wish I had another pair.
Someday my shoes hurt so bad that I don't think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
I can tell in other's eyes, they are glad these are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize I'm not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some people ache daily as they try to walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite so much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.
Nobody deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger person.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of someone who has had cancer.
Just spent an incredible weekend with HS girls at Fall Weekend (with the Kess's!!). But it wasn't always like this. When my kids were babies, a different season, it wasn't possible or even healthy to try to make that happen. Now it is back to "normal". Nothing has changed, HS kids will still be needing Jesus when you're ready to jump back in. I just wanted to validate your "season" theory! :) Kristy
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