a thousand emails deep.

i should be sleeping. but i'm not. instead i am sitting at my laptop which feels like my second home. seriously if justin ever takes this mac away from me i will cry. no joke. randomly i felt the urge to go through my email inbox and respond to emails. i realized i am 1,092 deep. and keep 'um coming people. they are such a source of encouragement. i can not even explain it in words what it does for my soul to hear from people. from friends. and mostly from strangers. its such a joy. it goes back to mid august. i decided right away after getting sick that i would not delete one email. and i would attempt to respond to every email i was written even if it took me months. so this morning after putting ava down for her morning nap. i went back to august. and re-read a few emails. i did not get very far. because i was weeping. it brought me back to august and all that month had for us. a time full of fear. pain. so many unknowns. two surgeries. lots of anger. a cancer diagnosis. and my first chemotherapy treatment. but in the midst of that it was also a time of love. support. joy. strength. rest. and jesus. but he was in all of it. he is in all of it. he is in the joy and the pain. that is why jesus is perfect. he is not just for the good days or the really bad days. he is for all of it. and i am so thankful for that. like the word thankful seems so lame because i can not find the words to articulate my heart. i so wish i could. but i guess that is the mystery of our hearts. so instead i will keep it between me and jesus. because he knows. even when i can not express how i feel to justin. or my mom. or my dad. or my sisters. or my friends. but he knows the depths of me. the parts i do not talk about. because i do not know how. or the parts that i did not even know existed until cancer became a part of me. like when i became a mom. i did not even know that this part existed. this part of me that would love my sweet ava the way i that do. it touches me in different way. like nothing before. and cancer has done that to me. those microscopic cancerous cells that are inside me. although i hate them. i also am thankful for what they have taught me about jesus. my life. a voice i never knew i had. and strength that could only come from jesus. because this is too big. and too scary to do on your own. and thankfully i have not felt alone. maybe in some dark moments i have felt alone. but i think i know more now what is real and what is true. and what is true is jesus. and what is real is jesus. and that life is hard. but not too hard. not too hard for him to handle. i may not be able to handle any of this. i am usually faking it. being strong i mean. because when its just me. i cry. and am sad. and wish i did not have to go to the doctor today. and leave ava. and probably get a shot. which i hate. but because jesus is the strongest i am even given a chance at having an type of strength in this. because i am openly admitting that i can not handle this. but he can. so i will rest in that.