7 down 5 to go.

chemo went fine yesterday. my mom came for a little bit so she could picture where we go. it was nice. i got sick right when i got there and then when we left. but its done. five more to go. i can do this. my parents had to head back to michigan when we got home. so i went to sleep and justin took ava on a little dinner date. he loved it. my parents made for a wonderful thanksgiving. sitting on the porch was a dream. and the food was good. and it was pretty healthy too. except that my favorite part of the meal was the stuffing. wow i never knew how much i loved that stuff.

chemo days are always a bit of a blur. but justin got home with ava around 4:30 and she took a nap until 6:30pm. good girl. thought it would mess up her schedule but she went down fine for justin at 8:30pm. thank the lord for ava. she will always have a special place in our heart because of this time with cancer. she has been the greatest part. our bedroom is right off the hallway so its pretty central. i cracked my door open so i could listen to ava and justin while he made her dinner. its precious. there is nothing like it for a mom to hear her husband loving their child the way i heard justin last night. it was a peaceful night. a somber night. no guests. it was dark. the house was cleaned up. thanks justin. i was resting and justin was in the midst of a perfect night with his dear ava. it made me realize how often i steal that from him. without even meaning too. that time with her i mean. its easy for me to just do it. because i want to. but he does too. and when i am resting from chemo and justin gets to take care of her. just him. there is something real special about that time. i could feel it last night. and maybe because its the holiday season and there is something different in the air. but in the midst of our sorrow. this has been a sad chemo round for us both. i felt at peace. and i know last night was a night i will i never forget. even though i had no physical part in it. but i laid in bed just listened to the two people i love the most on earth share a very special night together.

i heard the bath water running and was in and out of sleeping/closing my eyes and i heard justin yell..."babe, i forgot how does twinkle twinkle little star go again?...to which i burst out in song for him to hear from our bedroom. and i trail off as i hear him pick up where i ended. then i hear the water draining and he gets her ready for bed. such a special time of the day. if you have kids. try not to rush that time. is precious and a day will come when they do not want you to tuck them in. so i will not rush it. even though i often do and i hate that. i see him grab the ipod speakers from the kitchen. i know what he is doing. he is about to dance with his other girl. the first of many. ava goes to bed. justin bursts in our room to which i say..."babe, why do you do that? you never sneak in. or even attempt to be quiet in case i am sleeping. its always like you barge in. lets work on that." he says..."oh, sorry ok i will."

i could tell he was going to post on the blog last night. its been a while. i realized it when i got up around midnight and saw some blog comments had come through on my blackberry. i cried through the post and the video. cancer is sad. and we are young. trying to figure this out and sometimes we fail. but we sure are trying. thanks justin for being real and honest and showing me your heart. lets never stop doing that.

i was reading 2 Corinthians this morning. chapter 4. i read 16-18. which i have read many times. but this morning it struck me in a new way. therefore we do not lose heart. though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. for our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. so we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but what is unseen. for what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.  so we will keep our eyes on christ. if not we will not make it. seriously. we will not be able to handle this emotionally or physically. its all too... too... too much for us. but we are not alone. and we will focus on what is unseen. for what is seen is temporary. and this little temporary part of our life with cancer is not forever. oh, how we pray it is not forever. but justinjustin and that sometimes its hard to even talk about. let alone express on the blog. but its big. its life changing. and marriage changing. and family changing. so there is the gift. in the midst of the sorrow and the pain. because man i am in pain today. we will keep our eyes on christ.