marriage. and our life.

i have been thinking about my marriage a lot. someone asked me recently about being a spouse to a young life staff and what was good and what was hard. i do not know marriage any other way. right when i got sick we talked about moving home and justin not being on yl staff anymore and maybe doing something different. in those brief days we talked about what would be different. what would be easier. what would be harder. all of the variables that go into a huge decision like that. but after a week or so we both felt very certain about staying in chesapeake. and continuing our lives here. we just felt like where ever we would go or be... there we would be. i would still have cancer. and it would still be hard. but thankfully we have a huge family here in chesapeake and throughout virginia who love us so well. so for now we are here. and will stay here. although i often think about the joy it would be to live closer to family and for ava to be able to play with her cousins. and maybe at some point that will be become a reality. but not right now.

and for the first time. maybe since we have been married. i feel very in tune with justin. in the midst of cancer so many things seem easier. nothing about cancer is necessarily easier. its actually been harder for me recently. it is less about the physical pain and more the emotionally pain. its like i was so numb for so long. it all seemed fake at first. and then when chemo started i just went through the motions of what i needed to do to get cancer out of my body. and now i am half way. and i still have hair. and i now weigh the most i ever have in my life. minus when i was pregnant. and that is hard. but i will take it. it could obviously be far far worse. and i know that. i just think its all settling in for me. and maybe because its thanksgiving tomorrow. and then christmas is right around the corner. and then ava's first birthday right after that. that in the midst of such joy. a season i love so dearly. i am a little sad. i am grateful for so many aspects of my life right now. back in august i envisioned myself dying. i never really said that. but i thought it. and now i am not as scared. we have every reason to believe that after six more treatments i will be fine. and our life will continue as it once did. but everything will be different. and i am okay with that. just hard to get used to. change is so good. and still so hard. so in the midst of everything i am thankful for...i am still trying to figure out how to live. really live in this season of life and after this season has passed.

i love my husband. and i am so thankful that after three years of trying to figure it out. marriage that is. not that we got it nailed down or anything. please. we have only just begun. but its a heart thing. schedules get busy. life overwhelms you. but you have a choice. everybody for the most part has a choice. to stop working and come home to eat dinner with your family. and put your daughter to bed. and really connect with your wife because you chose her. out every women on the earth you chose her. and before you know it  life will slip you by because you want to be someone important.  being successful is not a bad thing. not one bit. but it can be if you lose sight of your life. and your sweet wife. and your kids. and what brings you joy. for my husband its reading. going running. drinking starbucks. taking our kayak out on the river. we as a family have been forced to find out what it means to rest. and i pray. oh i deeply pray that what we have learned since cancer will not be forgotten. even when cancer does not exist anymore for us. i know its easy to change when you have to. but i hope we keep changing and growing not because something big and scary happens but because we cherish what God has for us. and what He is teaching us. if only we would be willing to listen.

i like being with my family. but i miss my sisters. all three of them. but my parents did arrive on monday night. and we will celebrate thanksgiving on our screened porch if the weather allows it. that would be a first for us all. thanksgiving dinner outside. we do have a big heater out there if necessary.