At some point when Thursdays roll around -- this time Chemo was a Friday -- I realize that something is about to steal my wife, and I hate it. I feel so powerless right now, and so sad, thinking about how Libby feels. This is the worst Chemo so far. And it's so bad that I cannot avoid it, which sadly, I think I have been doing lately. It's easier not to emotionally give yourself to cancer. This is my mistake. Libby, I'm sorry for doing that lately. I know I have. One reason I know I have been doing it is because I haven't cried lately about it, and it is the thing I have cried most about in my entire life. I said that I am 100% in this with you from the beginning, and I still mean it. This is not old news. This is us! How can I show you? You are hurting bad tonight. I feel like an idiot. At least, I just made you toast.
It's weighing both of us down. Where as in the beginning, it was easier to say, "this is our story" and live it, now it hurts and often feels sour. I am seeking God tonight for help, because it all seems so colorless. But it's not. LIBBY ITS NOT. There is a reason this is happening, and Christ is still your treasure. Nothing can change that. Think of the different lives that we have now! We know each other better, we love each other harder, we love Christ harder. We don't care about anything but that! We know our families better -- we know we are loved. It's just hard right now, but I'm with you.
Ava, someday you will read this. Thank you for tonight, I had a blast with you. It meant the world to me tonight to see you laugh and live your little life.
Tonight, for the first time, I played Ava my favorite classical song, "Air on Strings in G". I danced around a little, and she watched the ipod the entire time, mesmerized. She looked at me, as if to ask if it was ok to like the song. It's a sad song -- I told her -- but it's ok to like it. That's how I feel about cancer right now, I love the Lord, but it's a sad song right now. I KNOW we will rejoice in Him. Goodnight my darling Libby. Hang in there.
also, here's an update on life with home movies