At some point when Thursdays roll around -- this time Chemo was a Friday -- I realize that something is about to steal my wife, and I hate it. I feel so powerless right now, and so sad, thinking about how Libby feels. This is the worst Chemo so far. And it's so bad that I cannot avoid it, which sadly, I think I have been doing lately. It's easier not to emotionally give yourself to cancer. This is my mistake. Libby, I'm sorry for doing that lately. I know I have. One reason I know I have been doing it is because I haven't cried lately about it, and it is the thing I have cried most about in my entire life. I said that I am 100% in this with you from the beginning, and I still mean it. This is not old news. This is us! How can I show you? You are hurting bad tonight. I feel like an idiot. At least, I just made you toast.
It's weighing both of us down. Where as in the beginning, it was easier to say, "this is our story" and live it, now it hurts and often feels sour. I am seeking God tonight for help, because it all seems so colorless. But it's not. LIBBY ITS NOT. There is a reason this is happening, and Christ is still your treasure. Nothing can change that. Think of the different lives that we have now! We know each other better, we love each other harder, we love Christ harder. We don't care about anything but that! We know our families better -- we know we are loved. It's just hard right now, but I'm with you.
Ava, someday you will read this. Thank you for tonight, I had a blast with you. It meant the world to me tonight to see you laugh and live your little life.
Tonight, for the first time, I played Ava my favorite classical song, "Air on Strings in G". I danced around a little, and she watched the ipod the entire time, mesmerized. She looked at me, as if to ask if it was ok to like the song. It's a sad song -- I told her -- but it's ok to like it. That's how I feel about cancer right now, I love the Lord, but it's a sad song right now. I KNOW we will rejoice in Him. Goodnight my darling Libby. Hang in there.
also, here's an update on life with home movies
come back, color.
ReplyDeletecouldn't be prouder of the person you are, jus. you are such a good husband to lib. keep trying, keep hanging in this with her. the love you two share is palpable.
in this video (which I cried through) it stood out to me, even more so than usual, how beautiful libby looked. her smile, her hair, her color. lovely how you were able to capture on camera the shot of her at the Thanksgiving dinner table that highlighted what is, in my opinion, one of her greatest qualities...and that its how she listens...really listens...and her eyes tell you that she wouldn't rather be anywhere but right there hearing what you have to say. i've always loved that about her.
(not that i ever tell stories because i dont. i'm actually painfully shy! ha!)
love you all so much. praying for morning to bring relief and light and color and smiles from baby ava.
i'm also about to add some "color" at the top of the blog!
ReplyDeletepraying hard for all of you
ReplyDeleteyou will get through this because of Him
This is a temporary sadness...when Libby is better the joy will be back...the sad song will seem less sad...the color will return. Jus, your post was wonderful. Your love for Libby and Ava will keep you strong. I know you may feel powerless right now, but you are not. I know you have faith that Libby will be healed, and there are so many praying. With faith and prayer comes power. You can't change how Libby feels this minute or this day, but you can continue to love her, serve her and take care of her...which I know you will. Continue to draw on that inner strength I know you have. Call me so we can talk.
ReplyDeleteLibby... seven down five to go. I hope you feel so much better tomorrow. I am so proud of you both! Prayers...
I'm praying for both of you. We all knew this wouldn't be an easy journey for either of you, but you can do it with His help, with His hands on you. Remember, there is color...sometimes is just seems a little dulled by the happenings around us. The bright, vivid colors will come back! Hang in there!!!
ReplyDeleteLibby, I'm so thankful to be sharing in this journey with you. You are a beautiful person both inside and out. I know that sounds so cliche but I was just watching that video and you are a stunner!!! I already knew you were beautiful inside from all of your writing. I'm thankful God is working in yor and Justin's lives. The impact your story will have on others is great. I say that not only because of those you are reaching via this blog but because I was once a youth who loved my Young Life leaders/spouses and still think about how their lives modeled Christ and how much that impacted me. Wow, what your lifesong must be saying to those young impressionable youth. Keep plugging. I'm in your corner and am praying for you all.
ReplyDeleteI love your husband's videos! I also like the music he picks out :)
ReplyDeletejustin...thank you for loving my sister so well...thank you for sharing your love of music, even when it's the sad times, with ava...thank you for posting the videos of ava, it makes the hurt of not seeing her in person a little less...we really missed you 3 today...we aren't really all together as a family when you guys aren't there...becky
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