Monday, March 21, 2011

our new start

today is our first typical week since we became cancer free. and its good and its hard at the same time. a lot of life is like that. a little good with a little not so good. i am ready to be back. back to life like it once was...but its a little different now. i am still tired and trying to push through. i do not feel pressure. no one has these certain expectations for me in terms of what life after cancer is supposed to be or supposed to look like. it just is. it is our life. and sometimes even blogging reminds me of cancer when i would lay in bed and share about the pain, the joy, the chemo, etc. but i want to keep writing. i am just trying to figure out what it will look like post cancer. but since that has always been the heart of this blog. us sharing our story and our hearts and i want to do that. we shared life in cancer and now we want to share life post cancer. and i have been spending too much time trying to figure that out in my head and in my heart oppose to doing what i have always done. just write. and see where it goes. and where it went during cancer was such a gift. such an encouragement to me. i want to take the pressure off a bit and enjoy sharing our life now. not try and make it something it isn't. i got cancer and we trusted the Lord with it. period. we shared about cancer and how God met us in that place and changed us forever and now we want to share about life after cancer and how God is meeting us in this new place. and it will include cancer less and less. at least i think...

for us. when i had cancer it was easy (whatever that means) to really put your hope in the Lord. we had to. we wanted to. we had no place else to go. and no place else we would go. i needed the Lord in a new way when i was sick. sadly our dependence on the Lord is meant to be the same no matter what season of life we are in...but when its hard...when its real hard i could not make it though the day without Him. but now. only a month later and it looks a little different. i sometimes do not pray with the same depth. i think i can do it all on my own because my energy is back and the idea of grocery shopping, showering, laundry, caring for ava is not as overwhelming anymore. but my heart. my desire is to experience that intimacy with Christ even deeper now post cancer. because in theory we cling to the Lord when we have nothing else to cling to. everything else has failed. but what about when He has healed you? and the cancer is gone. what then? its the same. it will always remain the same. no matter the season of life we are in the Lord desires us to cling only to Him. not only desires but offers. its a gift. that we can take or we can leave. i realized when i was sick that i could not fix myself. neither could justin or my doctor. they could help. in every way they knew how. but we experienced a miracle. there was cancer in my body. in several parts of my body. and now its gone and we rejoice in that.

but some things are a changing right now. not bad. its actually the way it should be. but i think i am allowed to miss some parts about cancer. like meals, mail, housecleaning, etc. but now its time for that help to go to someone else. as it should. we had a season of life where people came along side us and eased the burden by loving our family in countless ways. we will always be thankful for how loved we felt when i was sick. and we still feel loved. but i do miss the house cleaning. i mean who wouldn't.

it was okay when i had cancer to have thinning hair and wear a hat. but now since i do not have cancer anymore its just uncomfortable and annoying. i miss my hair. i know its just hair. but i think i am allowed  to miss it and wish it were back on my head. but its not. it is growing. so that is good. i just hate that after i get ready and have showered and put make up on...i still do not look in the mirror and see myself. i see cancer. i see sick. not all the time. but sometimes. i had no idea how insecure i would be about this. but i am.

i feel alive. like physically alive. clearly. but still weighed down by cancer when i see myself in the mirror and how my clothes still do not fit as well. which i have really done nothing about so it's my fault. ie exercising and really eating healthy. i keep saying i will start tomorrow. but maybe i will start tomorrow...

last day to order t-shirts. check out all the info HERE.


  1. yup, leaving a long comment. you deserve it.
    thank you for being honest in this post because you touched on something i know i struggle with and many others do too. trusting the lord and relying on Him when things seem to be going just fine and dandy without Him. wrong. without Him, we are nothing, we are broken, we are empty. at times i hate this defeatist attitude, but when it comes down to it, it is the truth. our identities are in Christ, therefore, without Him, who are we?
    your post reminded me that i have to accept Christ now, today, this very moment. despite the successes i might think are all my own, thy are His and i am nothing without Him. thank you libby, for helping me remember that.
    praying for you today, really praying, not just saying that and casually thinking about it. bowing my head, thanking God for everything He has done in this life, and praying for you.

  2. Libby -
    I loved your post today, but then again, they've all been so good, so true, so honest. I can relate to what you're feeling. I had my last chemo treatment last October (I lost all my hair & wore wigs for many months). But, now my hair is growing back in - it's ultra short & ultra dark (I've always been blond). I pass friends & neighbors in traffic & wave & they truly have no idea who I am. It's the strangest thing. I feel like me on the inside & I feel like my life should be normal again, but then I walk by a mirror, look & it doesn't look anything like me. It's troubling & a little bit haunting somedays, and I know I shouldn't be so shallow ... but I so want to look like myself again - the healthy me. I miss my hair so very much, but I think I probably miss more what it represents (& that would be that I didn't have cancer when I had my hair - or at least, I didn't know I had it). This is probably very good for me ... to truly learn that my identity rests in Christ alone & not what I look like or if I feel like I look pretty. It's still hard, though, and somedays, harder than others. We have prayed for you daily (& sometimes more!) since we found your blog last August. We are SO, SO thankful that you are cancer-free. Please post soon & let us know if there is anything new with your Mom. We've been praying for her, as well.

  3. your a new kind of beautiful now .

  4. Looking forward to reading how God blesses you through this new part of your journey! Thank for you inspiring me.

  5. so proud of you lib. you did it. Jesus is all the more beautiful to you and He received all the YOU my sweet friend, you passed the test!! I am so honored to stand by at watch how you all walk out your lives, living each and every moment for our beautiful Savior.
    I love you so much!

    and p.s. hehehe you don't HAVE to have some big excuse like cancer to have people *cough* like me *cough* come over and help you out! ;) I will be waiting to hear from you to have me come over and help!! With ANYTHING!

  6. Great post Libby. I miss you all...if you take post requests I would love an Ava post...maybe even some pictures.

  7. I think this is a wonderful post!! If this is the one you were having trouble with, the one that got deleted.. you did great! I love what you say about feeling like you can do it on your own not, but that you step back and realize you still absolutely need the Lord just as much now as you did then.

  8. I LOVED the post today. You summed up it all...and so did those that commented thus far! All was the same for me, almost. I started blogging when I got sick, and now continue, but I now do it for my girls, think of it as an online scrapbook.
    Wanting to hold onto that closeness with the Lord after were right on. I strive daily for that closeness. I am NOT (thank God) the same person I was. Many of us know cancer changes us, and it does, but for was accepting the evolving me. We know God loves us all, but accepting who we really are, that's different. Cancer gave me that ability to accept that God truly loved me, and I was worthy of that love, that I was confident in that truly realize it.
    Looking in the mirror, well that's different I remember passing a mirror and thinking who is that? My hair came in and changed all colors. I kept it dark (not my before color), this Christmas my husband asked me to change it light, and my family has loved it. I never would have thought it meant so much, mainly because when I lost my hair I felt freedom at having it no longer define me, but now I realize that I define it. For my family and friends it is a sign I am healthy, and for five years they had the what hair and color can do....the trick...own it. You are alive...I had to wait two years after cancer to get it, but I got my nose pierced...I did it for me. I never wanted to forget. I want to look in the mirror and remember that I am healthy, I am no longer scared of death, and I am loved.
    Yes, cancer will be less of a memory, but as with many things a smell, a word, or a taste will take you slamming back. When it does remind yourself....miracles happen...I am proof!


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