a bit of a reflection.

let's begin with this incredible sketch of the river house my friend ellie made for us. (check her and her hubby out at www.tommyandellie.com and order your own house portrait) needless to say i am obsessed. i love it. i love the river. my souls aches for that water and that upstairs view. but it was only for a season.

***

as i was thinking about today. the beginning of a new year i was curious to read what i wrote last year around this time. so i went back. i found exactly what i thought.

no..."here my goals of this year"

or

"let's reflect on 2010 shall we"

it was much more present. nothing profound or particularly insightful. i wrote THIS and THIS last year during the first week of january. the only that really stuck out was..."and its almost time for number ten. typing that made me smile. in about a month we will be done with chemo. the end is near. goodnight."

for me 2011 was not a year of big vision. it was much more simple. heal. heal from cancer and the rest will come. healing and fighting simply felt like more than enough at the time.

lets go back a bit shall we...

in january of 2010 justin and i welcomed ava into the world. she feel right into place. in the midst of joy and excitement there was fear and uncertainty. the questions all new parents have surrounding anything and everything to do with a new child. but i would not have believed you if you had tried to tell me what that excitement and joy about what this little life would do to us.

things changed...it's only natural. our family of two was now three...it felt so right. so natural.


2010 began with a blessing. she rocked us to our core. in the best way that possibly exists.

then a storm came. one full of unknowns. fears. medicine. pain and anger.

but because the Lord is good. we found joy in the midst of death. joy that causes deep emotion even as i type these words down today.


cancer entered our lives and changed everything. i mean everything. forever. so it is fair to say that 2010 was a bit of a mixed bag for us. ava's birth and my cancer.

so when the new year came around. we welcome it with a twinge of fear and illness. my last three chemo treatments met me in early 2011.


within one month of 2011 i was declared CANCER FREE. i do not like punctuation, as you know, but that deserves all caps.

the words we had been waiting to hear since we were told i was sick. a mixture of emotion is under statement. thankfulness, joy, shock, fear...i experienced it all. i had cancer and then i didn't.

now what?

how is it that the thing i prayed for...hundreds prayed for...then became my biggest struggle.

how do i spend my time? what do I do? i felt a bit lost. in many was the celebration of post cancer lasted a few months. i continued to heal and slowly entered back into life. but my life...though very
much the same but felt so entirely new because i was not who i used to be.

i felt stuck.

within two months of chemo ending we began praying and taking through a possible move to harrisonburg. 

this brought some serious anxiety. fear. desiring comfort. honestly...i plain and simple did not want to leave the river or chesapeake. but we did. for two reasons. i trust the Lord and trust my husband. even in fear. i trust His plan over my own. even when i do not like it or wish this plan was not for me.

so we moved. new home. new city. new job. new relationships. lots of newness. after four months it
is beginning to feel more like home. although many things are still new the initial sting of newness
has subsided.

now it is 2012. two days in and we think (justin and i) this is going to be our year. as far as we
know...which is not much. this is our year, baby.

so this is the year. living it as if it were our last. not in a morbid way but a very intentional way.

some big goals (not resolutions since they seem fleeting). here are a few:

* falling more in love with Jesus.

* loving my husband more intentionally. daily and in new ways. being honest and intimate and real. not forgetting why we fell in love in the first place (more on that sometime soon...one real. deep. honest conversation last wednesday night brought us back).


* guide and nurture ava. teach her new things and take her on adventures. love her so hard it hurts.



* maintain and grow the relationships in my life.

* write a book.

* train and run a half marathon  (i can not believe i just wrote that for all to see)

* hopefully get pregnant. woohoo baby number two. (if my scan next week and in april are clean we will start trying for another baby late spring).

* crochet. no joke i love it. i made like 10 for christmas gifts and i am selling scarves now. (email me.)


* working a little. i started working for an agency that provides in home counseling. getting back to my social work roots.

***

i am not the best with goals. kind of embarrassing to say. justin is better at goals than me. but we want this year to be an intentional one. not wasted. another year of life and celebrating what a gift that is. goals are good. sometimes you reach them and sometimes you don't. but without vision and goals and trying for something...what are you doing? i like to be realistic but i also like challenges. for example i hate running. i am not sure why i am doing it. but a lot of people ran last year for team libby and i am joining in this year. 

a lot happens in one year. we all now that. in a span of 12 months....babies are born. marriage begin. people get sick. children start school. new job. new friends. relationships start and finish. i say this a lot..."i truly am in awe of what the difference one year can make." the context is usually in regards to cancer but this year it is full of so much more joyful anticipation for what's to come. no fear. although trials may come our way...but what if. what if for the first time in a couple years our little family did not have any major major life changers. or maybe we do. we will roll with that too.

here's to 2012. don't waste it.

share your goals in the comment section. i would love to  hear them.