movement.

before i begin to write. i must confess i am feeling overwhelmed with everything i learned, experienced, and felt last week. i am still processing all that i heard. all that i lived. all that i shared. it was big for me. it is changing me. Jesus is in the business of change. of newness. of restoration. of desperation. i want to be a desperate women.

i like to grow. i am okay with change. maybe not at the time. but i know things change. seasons change. people change. hearts change. last week the Lord began a movement in my heart. one i have been bearing deep inside for a while now. i thought it was easy to ignore it. to push it deep down where no one could find it. especially me.

but...

i got found out. i am now exposed. i am okay with it.

i want to be in the business of change. the Lord is changing me and changing people around me. specifically those who do not know Jesus and have no chance for life. until someone steps in and shares with them the greatest love story of all time.

the gospel. in a few sentences. it is okay to share what is true. you need to. you have to. if Jesus changed you. if He brought you from dark to light and death to life...shouldn't we at least share that news with our neighbor.

the gospel: God sent His son to the earth. He sent Him to die so we could have life. He rose from the dead and is alive and wants a relationship with you. He wants to live inside you and change you. over and over and over He wants to provide forgiveness. truth. love. joy. LIFE and life to the full.

do you want that? you can have that. it is free. it is for everybody. it is for you. the sin. the shame. the guilt. the pain. He bore the burden on the cross so that you may now be free. free to live. really live.

choose Jesus. not because you should or you think it is a good idea or your grandma was a christian. but choose Jesus because He is the one thing. the only thing that satisfies. satisfies forever. who does not want that?

i have more inside me than i can even begin to share. so i wont push it. i will keep writing. i will keep sharing. all week. all month. all year.

i felt stuck. read it here. but now i am moving. moving towards what i am not totally sure. i know a few things. the Lord is in it. it is time to begin dealing with cancer and i am not afraid anymore to enter this place. the Lord will carry me like He carries me through everything. He knows that i a mom and a wife and a friend and a sister. that i have a life and responsibilities and obligations. 

i have never wept over cancer. like crazy on the floor crying so hard you think you might die. can't breath kind of tears. i thought i needed to be strong. for justin. for ava. for everyone. so i kept it together.

few of my thoughts:

i am angry. i am angry i even got cancer. 

i am thankful i am healthy.

i feel guilty that i lived and many do not.

everything surrounding cancer is hard to talk about it.  

on sunday as i was walking in the hotel lobby to get us coffee real quick and i stopped and spoke briefly with a couple who is on young life staff in virginia with us. he said...looking directly into my eyes. nearly my soul with all the confidence in the world..."libby, you are a walking miracle. never forget that."

i wont forget that. ever. i often times think...my cancer was not that bad. it could have been worse. i need to be thankful it was not worse. how can i even be angry if i am healed. my brain is my own worst enemy. feeding me lies all day.
but...i am becoming unstuck. i am ready to mourn. grieve. cry. rejoice. laugh. be angry. hit something maybe. i need to allow myself to feel. process what i have been pushing away deep down inside.

it needs to come out. i will be stuck forever it i don't.

so here's to Jesus, counseling, and movement.

the Lord wants to change you. move you. take you to places you never knew possible. He is God remember. He can do that. we just need to let go. to trust. to allow Him to reveal things that are ugly and painful and scary. 

i am ready. 

***while you are at let's pray for kristi. a young mom just like me in idaho who was in flordia last week. battling cancer. lots of cancer. there is not a lot of hope as the cancer has spread. with a husband and two little boys. she is not alone. please join me in praying for a miracle. for life. that her story, like mine, will be one of hope and healing and walking miracles.***