beautiful people.

http://www.babaloud.com/2011/05/amazing-inspirational-quotes/amazing-inspirational-quotes-19/

that is some good stuff. i don't care who you are...that is good.

when i read it yesterday i could not stop thinking about it. as i read the beginning

about defeat, suffering, struggle, loss i thought of cancer. of july 2010. of justin. of ava. of our family. of our friends. of myself. of what was ahead and this scary unknown world of...cancer. i never wanna go back.

but i spent more time thinking about the rest of it. i know we struggled. a lot of people struggle. we all carry our own pain and loss. sometimes with the world like we choose to or sometimes alone. i hate that people walk through the valleys alone. but they do. maybe you do. but i could not stop thinking. literally could. not. stop. 

the part on appreciation, sensitivity, compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. 

is that who i am?

do i love deeply?

am i really that compassionate?

how gentle am i?

i think it is good to reflect. i think we need to stop or maybe not literally stop because i have not stopped in the past 72 hours. but mentally allow yourself to go there. to really think about your life. your heart. how you care for others. who you are. what you are about. where you have been. where you are going. what has made you...you.

where are you hurting?
what is your pain?

i so easily get engrossed in my own life. the whole...i am too busy thing.

please. we are busy. you are busy. everyone is busy. 

but you make time for what is important. i know that i fail everyday. i can not be all things to all people. that would be bad for them and for me. 

i do not have any answers or much wisdom on this to offer.

i simply had to share because i could not stop the way it is taking over my head and my heart. i desire that our pain. that cancer. wow i hate cancer. that it did not happen in vain...but me. my husband. our little girl..well..i will just say it...that we would come out of it as more beautiful people. because the grief and pain of cancer made us into different people. we are not the same. something like that is too big. it does to much to your heart to simply go back to way things were. what i do love is that in many ways our life has returned to normal. i am thankful for that. but who we are in our heart and in our gut...well beautiful people do not just happen. i believe our pain has brought us more beauty and joy than we ever knew before i got cancer.

the pain, sorrow, suffering, and loss we all experience is not wasted if our understanding of life and our heart and our compassion demonstrates that our pain...can also be our joy. i do not want to miss what the Lord is doing in me and in our family. about who we are. what we are about as a couple and what we are about as a family.

i want to be one of those people that elizabeth kubler ros wrote about.

do you?