there is something about this time of year.

my aunts had to head back to chicago. but many memories were made. it was restful and peaceful. i had to get a shot as my wbc count was a little low. 420 and normal is like 5000. but it was painless. mostly. there is something so interesting about this time of year. it brings something out of me. deep inside. in the midst of the joy i feel a little sad. not sure why. maybe because emotionally i am in a thousand places. but its still good stuff. well mostly good. my aunt mary bought ava a little christmas lullaby cd. ava sings to it. and i do too but with actual words. but something moves inside me when i hear...oh, holy night and what child is this...and it makes me happy for our life. our family. and without being selfish my own life. mostly because i have never really thought much about my health. and the immense gift that it is to be healthy and strong and young. and although i am still those things i am not as healthy as i thought i was before august. and that brings a lot of tears. some are sad ones. and some are fearful ones. and some are happy ones because i love this time of year. i love how our upstairs feels. i love that ava has a stocking. i love the garland that is wrapped around our banister. and i love my christmas wreath from target. it was a little treasure i found in the towel aisle. someone had clearly changed there mind about purchasing it because as i went to grab a navy hand towel for the bathroom...huh a christmas wreath in the same aisle. and snatched up.

the timing of me getting sick is so interesting to me. started in august and ending in february. so many special times fall in those months. justin's birthday. my birthday. thanksgiving. christmas. new years. and ava's birthday. and like everything else in our life they will all forever take on a new meaning. and because we are still in the midst of it all i am not sure about a lot of things. but i see the timing as a gift. just another way we see christ in all of this. every year we celebrate my birthday and i am cancer free it will always call for a party. same for justin and for ava. we now see health as such a gift. something we are never guaranteed. so when we have health cherish it. i did not even know i had to before. but all this... did something big in me.

i tried to explain to justin how i am feeling tonight when we were giving ava a bath. because during her dinner i turned on the christmas cd. and i sat in front of the sink. looking out our window where it was dark. so i could not see anything. and as some tears streamed down my face while listening to what child is this...i knew tonight would be etched in my memory forever. and if not at least i wrote about. but my soul feels tender and weak. but in a good way. like i can't do this without you. this little child. jesus. wow am i glad you were born. so as i think about christmas. and think about jesus. i turned around to look at ava and thought to myself...i am really glad jesus was born. and that because of him i am not alone in this. even when i feel so alone. so tired. and so done. done with all of this cancer stuff. i hold tight to what is true. and that even though i hate everything about thursday. i am trying to be thankful for it because if it is doing what its supposed to than after febuary 2011 i will never have to do it again. and that sounds real nice.

we are upstairs now. and about to watch a movie. time for date night. at home style.