its snowing here.

i am sitting in our bedroom in bed. my favorite place. well sorta. we decided that when i am done with cancer we are getting new bedding or something. a new fresh start. but i am looking out our windows onto the water and its snowing. and its beautiful. since i am from Michigan i am used to snow. but having lived in Virginia for a few years i enjoy the small dusting that we get here oppose to what Michigan has to offer. i kept bringing ava up to the window this morning to show her the snow and even caught her on video. but she did not seem to really care. i tried.

it was a tough tough weekend. the worst weekend with cancer yet. i do not recall feeling this miserable since my meta port was put in back in august. i am not sure why this round of chemo was so bad. but for whatever reason it was and it was hard. and i got sad. thankfully rose was here and she was a huge help with ava, laundry, and cleaning up. we needed her. i muster all my strength for ava. to lay her down for her nap. or feed her lunch. or give her a bath. or lay on the couch while she plays. and put her to bed at night. my most favorite thing. thankfully her little bug only last 24 hours. it was the first time she has been sick since she was born. and now i get it. i understand why its so hard for moms and dads to see their kids sick. you are so helpless. you try whatever you can to comfort them. or take the pain away. but she is doing fine and has since saturday. so thankful. its tough when we are both sick.

seeing ava sick on friday did give me a little glimpse into what this must be like for him. justin that is. watching me get chemo. get my blood drawn. my hair fall out. my throwing up. and the constant discomfort i felt this weekend. i hate it for you. and i know you hate it for me. when i am sick in bed and everything seems a bit foggy post chemo. i always have vivid images of you coming into bed and asking me how i am. if i need anything. almost begging me to think of something. so maybe. even if for a minute you can help ease the pain. thanks for being here. even if being here is all you can do. its enough.  so thank you.

last night i went to bed early. but before falling asleep i went on the internet for a bit. thought i would check out matilda jane. its clothes for little girls. and started to pick out a couple dresses for ava. then thought about it some more. buying ava clothes will not make me feel better. or will it? i came to the conclusion that it wont. i do love there clothes. and i may still buy her some for christmas. but its more than that. its more about the absolute loss of control that i/we have been given since august. the hardest thing about my cancer. the absolute hardest thing (minus me dying. since at this point we have every reason to believe that my chemo is working and come february i will be cancer free. yay). is that nobody asked me. nobody asked me if i wanted cancer. but mostly its the physical and emotional roller coaster. feel good one week. then horrible the next. totally feel like myself. then the next day too sick to get out of bed. it is hard. and this weekend made that real clear. i feel like we are really experiencing what its like to not make plans...too far in advance. or how often we have to cancel things. or think we are the ones running the show. i am not wanting to be dramatic here. i just think justin and i have really realized how this aspect of cancer has been trying for us.

he came into our room last night and i told him about my matilda jane dilemma. that really had nothing to do with clothes for ava. but how i have seen in myself how easy and how temporary it is to want to fix everything with stuff. and do not get me wrong. not even for a second...there is joy in it. and the gifts. the flowers. the packages. the meals. the money. the pictures. they have made a very difficult time joyful. to feel loved by people. by family. friends. and strangers. who care enough to take the time to send something. it has been one of the greatest gifts in getting cancer. but last night i caught myself looking to things. maybe a dress for ava would make me less nauseous. but it wont. the feeling is fleeting. its not deep joy. not eternal joy. so we prayed. something i am embarrassed to share that we have not done a lot together. sometimes its all a little too real for us. i would rather pray alone. just me and God so no one can hear what i am pleading and begging for. because the pain is too deep. but last night as my husband knelt beside me in our bed and prayed. i was given a glimpse of his heart. and what he is asking for. and what his pain looks like. and saying it out loud is hard. because then you know its real. but thankful that we have a God who wants to carry this for us. we simply need to give it to him. and last night we did.