Wednesday, December 22, 2010

it just sucks. (sorry mom you hate that word).

my mom hates the word sucks. but since i am 27 and an adult i feel good about it being the title for tonight. since that is the best way to describe how i feel right now.

tonight was awesome. well today too. it was family day. running last minute christmas errands. getting lunch. just being together. then we took sweet little ava to see this christmas light display at the botanical gardens. it was precious. she loved it. we took her out of her car seat so she was up front with us. oh, man she is such a big girl. we were going 5 mph. so do not worry. we were going to do presents tonight but i fell asleep on the way home so we will do them at some point this weekend. i was just too tired.

4 more. and man this is the saddest one for me. i hate that i will be sick for christmas. i seriously hate it. i have never prayed this much. as much as i did today. just begging the Lord that i would not be miserable after this treatment tomorrow. it could happen. i know it. there is just such joy for me during this time of year and chemo just has its way of stealing that joy. not all of it. but some of it. i even thought today...what if we just did not show up tomorrow. what would they really do to me? but i decided that would not be the best choice. so we will go. i will do it. we will do it. me and justin. we will endure treatment number nine tomorrow. together. because that is was what we do. we do this thing together. and its good and its hard. and sometimes we mess up. but we are in this.

pray that tomorrow we experience a little miracle. one that includes me not throwing up at treatment. and then not throwing up and feeling horrible for the next five days. without being cliche...that would seriously be the best gift ever. and i mean ever.

enjoy this season. this amazing time where we celebrate jesus and his birth. and his life. the life that changed everything.


  1. I will pray that you don't get sick after your treatment...but the fact that you are at #9 - you have made it so far, and I know you'll finish this and be CURED! The thing is, 12/25 may be Christmas on the calendar, but you can make any day Christmas for you, Justin and Ava. In fact, every day can be Christmas. You are an amazing person who I am in awe of how you have approached this disease. I've watched my mom do the same thing since 1987, and my father-in-law for the past 20 months. Just like you, they make the most of every day that they have, and that truly inspires the rest of us who are on the sidelines watching and praying for you.

  2. i will pray for you tomorrow. i will pray that you are well for the holidays. that you can enjoy christmas morning with your family and not be sick. i pray that as the treatments come to an end that they get easier for you.
    i pray you have an amazing christmas with your husband and daughter. merry christmas!! :)

  3. praying for you tonight, libby, & for the rest of the weekend. i hope your christmas is filled with joy, jesus, and sweet treats! merry christmas to sweet ava & justin too!

  4. i will be thinking of you all day tomorrow dear Libby. I'm glad you were able to get out today and enjoy some Christmas lights with your family. As someone else said in their comments, you can celebrate Christmas a little late and make it just as special for your family. Much love to you all and well wishes.

  5. this will be a great christmas libby. im praying really hard that tomorrow goes well and that youre feeling like yourself this weekend. remember that even when its impossible to feel like yourself He is still with you. this christmas may be a little different but that doesnt mean it cant be just as good as before. cherish every moment and know how much we're all thinking and praying for you.

  6. Praying!! I LOVE YOU.
    tonight was seriously one of the best nights of my life Libby. Not even joking. I felt so incredibly loved by you blessed me more than you will ever know.
    I am praying and believing that our Lord will work a miracle tomorrow.
    love forever,
    hans :)

    "And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast." 1 peter 5:10

  7. Praying for a Christmas miracle for you Libby. So glad that you got to enjoy the beautiful lights with Ava. That is probably another family tradition started.

  8. Libby, I will be praying for you. I give you permission to use the word "sucks" as often as you'd like because that is the best word to describe how it feels! I pray that God will work a miracle and you may experience one of your best Christmases ever. Love you tons!
    You are soooooo beautiful, girl!!!

  9. praying for you friend! love you lots and hope that your sweet family has a very merry christmas!

  10. Sending prayers your way and knowing that God is healing you and will sustain you! Merry Christmas!

  11. praying for you. I can't imagine. Just wanted you to know that you've been such an encouragement and blessing to read your blog. Can't wait to hear you're cancer free! :) Keep trusting Him, as I know you will.
    Have a very Merry Christmas!

  12. good luck, I'm hoping that you are feeling well enough to enjoy the holiday!

  13. Praying for you Libby! I get my chemo today too and hate that it is going to interfere with Christmas! I pray yours doesn't make you sick!

  14. will be praying. I hope you can rest today and not feel so bad. I pray that you can enjoy the next few days and still be able to love and celebrate this season. Praying for you libby!

  15. Praying for a nice easy treatment tomorrow and a restful, relaxed Christmas for you.
    I heard Ava said Pop Pop today! That is fantastic.

  16. We will definitely be praying for you all and for Christmas. Thank you for sharing all of these posts--and have a Merry, Merry Christmas with your beautiful family!

  17. praying with you that you will not feel sick on Christmas

  18. Dear Libs,
    I just wanted to tell you that you and justin are the only consistent reason I believe in marriage. I believe its real. I believe its beautiful. I believe its worth it when I look at you guys. I'll pray. Right now. Love you.

  19. I hope you are feeling well, Libby, and that everything went well yesterday. I have prayed to God (pleaded with Him) for you to please not feel bad on Christmas. I hope you, Justin and Ava have a Merry Christmas and that you are able to enjoy this wonderful time of year. Big hugs to you!

  20. Libby, I hope this finds you feeling well. I have been praying god will take away the nausea and give you energy so you can truly enjoy this Christmas with Ava and Justin.

    Merry Christmas!

  21. Der Libby, Justin & Ava,

    It's Christmas Eve and we just returned from church. It feels so strange to be all alone at Christmas time. But we were so thrilled by your call tonight, telling us that you had been able to attend church as well...a special Christmas miracle! When so many people asked about you tonight I was so happy to say you had managed to go to church and sing Christmas carols and worship on Christmas Eve.

    A good friend left a package for us on our front porch this evening containing a plaque with a verse I want to share with you and all other readers who feel like cancer has maybe taken over their life...


    Cancer is so limited...

    It cannot cripple Love
    It cannot shatter Hope
    It cannot corrode Faith
    It cannot destroy Peace
    It cannot kill Friendship
    It cannot suppress Memories
    It cannot silence Courage
    It cannot invade the Soul
    It cannot steal eternal Life
    It cannot conquer the Spirit.


    Thanks for showing us how little it can really do, especially when you "don't waste your cancer." God bless you and your precious family. We love you, are proud of you, miss you, and are with you every step of the way.

    Have a wonderful & Christ-filled Christmas.


    Mom, Dad & Katers

  22. What a beautiful note from your family (just above my comment)! I just wanted to tell you a funny little story - I have 5 sons (that's not the funny party) - and there are years where I have cancelled my birthday celebration and had it on another day because one of the guys was having a bad day or maybe a bunch of the boys were having a bad day - and I didn't want it to be just a miserable must-do, the whole time everybody thinking, "this is miserable" - so I would just pick a following day when it felt celebratory. One year, it was a good day on my birthday - and we were driving to meet my husband, oldest son and fiance, me towing all the boys with me for my birthday celebration. The two youngest ones were totally miffed that we were not going to O'Charley's because that is there favorite place. I wanted to go to Outback! So there we were, driving into town when Rodney Atkins(sp) song, "If you're going through Hell, keep on going, don't slow down, if you're scared don't show it - you might get out before the devil even knows you're there" - LOL - it ended up being a joyful celebration! I guess I just wanted to say that there is something liberating about celebrating when the time is right and not stuffing a celebration in a cubby hole! With all these boys, sometimes the "legal" day to celebrate is not celebration friendly - but being open to find the "spirit" day to celebrate what needs celebrating is beautiful! So, in saying that, I hope that the spirit of celebration fills you with joy - and that our saviors birthday - and the joy of giving and loving make your out-of-the-box Christmas totally awesome!

    Merry Christmas - on whatever day you celebrate!

  23. Hi Libby,

    I started at the beginning and read ever word. We are just starting our battle. Stage 2 a hodgkins lymphoma my husband just had his second round of chemo on Thursday.
    He is also getting ABVD and the white blood injection thing he will be starting on Monday.

    Reading through your blog I relived a lot of the emotions we have been through in the last month. Its so scary but it is in gods hands. You have already been blessed with a beautiful baby and we will "forever" be childless.

    I will add you to our prayers as we all fight this ugly thing called cancer

  24. Libby...I was you last Christmas. I was soooo sick from my chemo on Christmas was horrible. I didn't get to enjoy my son's first Christmas at all. BUT I'll tell you...made me love this Christmas that much more. I know your sick and feel horrible but next Christmas you'll be able to reflect back and it'll give you extra appreciation for the day. Only a few left...stay strong!

  25. Libby, only 4 more, stay strong. I've been there. You are over the halfway mark & have lots praying for you. Love your blog. I am sure if you felt better you would have blogged. Praying you have a quick recovery.


i read every comment. so please leave one. i love it.